She's beautiful, I remark
I'm the black pieces, bold and brave and dashing,
She's the charming glass, glistening, beautiful, smart.
Our pawns meet at the halfway line:
And it's like, “Hey there, how are you?”
Before she makes her next move.
Brilliant, I can't help but notice.
I'm on the offense, blind and rushing
She's tactical, she's got a game up her sleeve
I send in the cavalry:
And it's like, “So, I'll see you at the dance?”
But a simple check by her queen and I'm back in the game
Caring, it's obvious.
Every one of her pieces are safe,
Mine litter the sides,
I send in Knight, the messenger:
And it's like, “Do you ever notice me? I'm trying really hard.”
She smiles sly, messenger was killed.
It's a 50/50
It's a game of chance,
Will she get my message?
Before it's too late?
Damn Great!
I'm going crazy, she's got me on the run!
The chase is exhilarating,
She goes in her best:
And it's like, “So, what your answer?”
And her king's tipped over.
Game over, I've won.
Now I'm walking down the beach, her hand in mine, same, same.
And I can't help think back to that chess/love game.
----
Happy Valentine's Day.
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139,639 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
Thanks guys! I'll rewrite and repost. Well, edit actually.
The last two sentences just popped in at me. I "was like" Whoa!
You can sew the lines with the rest of the piece by mentioning Valentine's Day, in a way,in the middle or somewhere in the piece. It's just that I think the reader thought the whole way through the piece, you're sticking with talking specifically about a chess game...Talk about maybe.....(" I keep looking back at the board and life's in the way..") add something.
Ha, sorry I'm running all over the place. I'm just trying to make a good review.
Ha, the "it's like" like Poojaaa16 said was a throw off. It sounds a bit funny. I mean, I loved the first couple lines and then, KA-BAAM!
OK, here to help.
Let's take off the "and he was like, and she was like" areas. Add in cool, unusual words people would know what they mean and it won't sound like a drama queen is talking. ;p
I liked how you compared chess pieces and love life in this piece. That proves you are very creative! That is good because you can come up with more creative words for this piece.You know you can!
It is very good. I liked it.
~Pacific
great comparison with the chess pieces and characters. overall, it was unique and interseting. the "it's like" sort of threw me off. a bit juvenile.