A Sunrise for God
The ocean gently overlaps itself,
Eternal, warm Indian Ocean,
It is a humid Christmas,
And I'm painting,
God's gift.
There is nothing He loves more,
(Oh I can hear Him laughing)
As my gentle strokes,
Take form...
a sunrise.
Clear crystal water sounds,
Silence He's never heard,
Cool gentle summer,
Take it, Lord:
All I am.
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I've taken your reviews into consideration but unfortunately I've really changed the poem It's barely the same anymore, but I think it portrays what I was getting at more - simply pleasing God. Beside that, do you guys think the last stanza is important. Try reading it without it. It makes it faster, simpler. Yes, I am saying that I'm the sunrise God's looking at, but really that's not the crux of the poem. The crux is pleasing God through a sunrise, and I think people can interpret the symbolism in anyway with or without the last stanza.
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Thanks Jash, Silent. I was experimenting with something BenFranks had told me and I feel punctuation helps the poem by giving it more breaks, etc. I s'pose if I'm going to use it I should use it to the fullest and use more than commas if I can
I'm still considering the last stanza and I see what you mean about that line, Jash. It sounds off 'Silence He's never heard'. What I was implying was that He doesn't hear anymore. There are always strings attached to the cross people bear for Him, so I wanted to do something in reverse. Thanks for the comments!
Hello!! Rain here!
Well, I'd like to see the original version...
So, I like this, I like the first and seconf stanzas, the thrid doesn't seem to fit though... I think that you could add on to this. Or if not if you are trying to keep it simple... Either way, writing this simply to please the Lord is great!
Best of wishes,
~Rain~
Hi Hero! =) You know me already. And I was roaming around and found a poem of yours. Figured out if I could give a decent review. =) Anyway, here it goes:
First up is the poem's structure...
It's free verse: no rhyme, no meter. So if I may say it, the form itself is fine. I just find the punctuations distracting, especially the commas. I think you've tried to experiment with punctuations since I can't find any standard usage, and because you put no punctuation here...
If you stick with standard punctuation and capitalization, you may end up with something like what is below.
(Even though it's poetry I can see no reason for you to deviate from what is grammatically right, so I will suggest. NOTE: this is just a suggestion; I'm not telling you to alter your poem the way I'm telling you to.):
As for the last stanza, it's totally fine. All I can say is probably there should be articles there?
OVERALL
There are a couple of lines that I do not understand:
And what is that? May I know. It seems implied in the poem. I'm guessing the person's submission to God. Did I get it right?
and...
I know it's poetic, but I just hope that the metaphors would not contradict with God's essence.
Set the nitpicks aside, nice poem, Hero. =) You've shown yourself in this one. Just like what they say, "spill out yourself in writing a poem". I don't think you should delete the last stanza because it contains the last sentence, which probably is the most significant line in the poem:
May HWHY bless you, Hero! You're someone who never forgets our reason why we're still here roaming in a place we do not belong in. Keep the fire burning! =)
~ Jash ♥
You can please God in many ways. You can help others, pray to Him, do what He would do, etc...
I liked it because I was able to imagine the painting.There is nothing I can tell you that has to be changed. Keep up!
Speaking on just a Literature perspective, this is a very good poem. I saw the spoiler, but i am still confused as to what you area trying to get across to the reader.( God really isn't that hard to please.lol)
I mean, it doesn't really seem that way without the spoiler.
But this is a *very* B-E-A-Utiful poem. Good job!
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-jojo
I see the "you can please god" thing. Very well written:) I really enjoyed it!
i found the start quite interesting, quite a bit feelings were added as forest said but i thought that you were comparing yourself to god himself as a believer in god i believe this was quite uncomfortable so i can not say much on it.
i dont mean to offend you in any way so i wont be doing any details
yours truly
- stephene
Hello NewHero!
So, when I read this, I realized that it had a lot of feeling in it, and it probably means a lot to you correct? Well, I thought it was pretty amazing and I loved how you talked about how you and God will someday paint together. You say it isn't as dreamy as you like, but you don't want to overdo it. Personally I like how it is now, because there is enough description to imagine it, but not too much, y'know? Anyways, I just thought I'd drop by and review this for you. There is nothing really that I can see that would need changing, but its your poem. I loved this, it was super amazing. (: Great job