In the News Today:
In the News today,
A baby was born,
Smiled his first smile,
And his giggle made the doctor grin
Temperature's are high,
So two kids ran around a pool,
One fell in, The other after,
And they searched for pearls in the pool finding it in the reflection
The Law was upheld.
Crazy politicians withheld,
And told,
To Obey the Law of Gravity
In the News Today,
A life was saved,
A kiss was shared,
And lessons learned to the future...
This
…
Has been
…
A broadcast
…
Of the News... Today.
“Maybe it could be everyday?”
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139,639 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
NewHero this was interesting it was good in some respects but others especially second stanza it falls flat. Hello I'm LastPaladin and I'll be your reviewer. I see much potential here, but second stanza doesn't really fit with the other ones. Try keeep up theme of fact it's on the news.
You really have potential but this stanza does nothing, I mean nothing at all, it's just there. It tries to sound like a weather report, but I believe you could do better with it, give us something, maybe something about slight drizzle with sunny spells, a heatwave. Because I got theme of poem, this just came across as random and trite within theme of poem.
Hope this helped.
I really like this poem because it is happy
I liked the capitilissation of The other, as it bring to higlight the importance of children.
Hello there, Hero!
One thing: "And lessons learned to the future..."- I don't get it? Should it be um... "for"?
Anyways, I loved your totally unique idea and concept of your poem. It had a nice flow from beginning until the end. I was enjoying this actually.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
I genuinely enjoyed this, Hero... I can hear it in my head as being spoken over an old-time radio (static included). I really like your style and, I may be wrong in saying this, it reminds me of one of my earlier pieces. Like, you say two things at once, like in a parable. Very well-written, and I love the staggered phrasing at the very end. The only parts I felt less fond of were stanza 4 and the very last line. It's almost as if you take every bit of subtlety you worked so carefully on and blew the main point out into the reader's face. And the fourth stanza just seemed rushed, almost like in a song, someone hit double-time and rushed to the end. And thaaaaat's all.
Hi,
I really enjoyed the idea behind this. When I clicked on it I expected it to be detailing a catastrophe so I was pleasantly surprised.
I'm not sure about "And his giggle made the doctor grin." I think that the line is a little too long and was just a bit too cute for me, but that part is just personal taste! I'd change it to something shorter. Maybe even "And the doctor grinned." would suffice, because it could be in response to the baby's smile.
I love the imagery in the second stanza, especially the line about searching for pearls. The only things I'd change here would be to make "Temperature's" "Temperatures" because it's a typo, and change "are" to "were" since the rest of the stanza is in the past tense. I'd also change "The other after" to "and then the other" because I think it sounds more natural.
I think the third stanza is really interesting but its vague nature means it's a bit out of keeping with the rest of the poem.
I'd change "to the future" to "for the future" but other than that the last two stanzas are really great.
Hope this helps,
Jas