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139,295 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Text Version:
I am the wilted branch on my family’s tree,
their pride is a mirror and I—
I am the crack that distorts their image,
a loud, terrifying scream that deafens all.
I am a lighthouse that speaks aimlessly to ships
that never come close enough to hear.
I can see the smoke blowing from their engines as
they drift away, far enough from me—their blinding light.
I am the sour fruit of their labor,
bitter on the tongue after a season of tender care.
They painted me as a masterpiece, but I am a canvas
that bled its colors into the rain.
I am the scent of a wilted flower lingering
in their garden, a reminder that I was
once beautiful, and ethereal—
a broken promise.
They cup their hands to hold me,
but I am water, slipping through their fingers,
no matter
how tightly they grasp.
This is a beautiful poem that really resonates with me. The melancholic feeling is ripe and rich through the imagery, and the structure of the poem - broken up into 5 stanzas with 4 lines each - really enhances the feeling of loneliness upon the page (or rather, screen)
The overarching metaphor of the family tree being a real tree, with wilted branches and sour fruit, and wilted flowers, is spectacularly done. I can almost picture this tree and all the familial expectations that hang from it. I think perhaps using another adjective for 'wilted flowers' since you already used it with 'wilted branches' might make this picture even more succinct. I can really feel the emotional weight you carry through this work.
The only line that stood out as perhaps needing some work was:
Now, don't get me wrong, it's a fantastic image and I understand what you mean, and feel the relevance, but somehow it seems a little more cliché than the rest of your poem, which is beautifully original. Perhaps something again more nature related, or some more whimsical yet still dark adjectives and adverbs could work before 'scream'. Only a suggestion, of course! It doesn't take away from the rest of the poem.
You have a beautiful way with words! I look forward to reading more of your poetry <3
Hey Elektra.
Oy, the title caught my eye immediately. It offers a lot potential images, and leaves me wondering why? which is a brilliant start to a story or poem.
The imagery is concrete, and vivid. Particularly the picture of a canvas that won't hold color -- that one neatly echoes back on your title as well; probably part of why it struck me.
Structurally, perhaps it would be stronger if it consciously and overtly built each stanza out of one of the senses? There's something half there already; you seem to have an intuition for the flow. But it's not consistent.
I'd love, for example, to see further developed version in which #1 uses hearing ('a loud scream...') #2 uses sights ('a lighthouse...') #3 uses taste ('sour fruit') and then have each contradictory very clearly defined.
For example, fruit being sour: Distinctly opposite to what fruit "should" be.
But the lighthouse 'speaking aimlessly' to ships 'not coming close' -- is it the ships fault? Why is the lighthouse speaking, instead of illuminating? Why do they drift away, and why are they bright? You're writing about a black sheep, or a scapegoat in a family that either sees a member as unnatural/unlike or about a member who is malformed or doesn't fit, it seems. The fact that the primary image in each stanza is a figurative portrait of that misfit-ness should be clear.
If you tighten those images, you've got a powerfully visceral portrait of rejection and familial relationships.
I loved the final image. What if you also toyed with each stanza to imply how this individual is being grasped while at the same time, rejected? It's hinted at, but seems secondary.
Cheers! and feel free to ask questions.
Toodles,
IMP