the unfinished draft

Text Version:

they called me little mama before i had lungs to scream
and built me from the scraps of warnings
fed me with rules and dressed me in duty
because silence is more ladylike than defiance
because anger is ugly on a girl but
power sits so easily in a boy’s hand.

when he came, suddenly love was better
suddenly rules could bend, suddenly failure was allowed
they let him stumble without punishment
let him speak without thinking
let him take up space in a house where i
had spent half my life trying to disappear.

i was raised with a measuring stick to my spine
straighten up
stand tall
be better
i grew up watching my mothers’ hands
how they held him with such tenderness
and acceptance.

what else could i be?
what do you become when softness is never an option
when no one ever teaches you
how to be loved?

i was the unfinished draft
the one who had to be perfect
so he could afford to be ordinary.

i was the one who had to fight for space
so he could take up all of it
without
even
trying.

Hello Elektra,
This poem is a bit cliche. I like the metaphor of you being an unfinished draft and that process of perfecting work. Very artsy. I can feel your emotion which is crucial to poetry but I guess my biggest peeve with this piece is the subject and the voice. Voice is meant to be a series of personality traits. If you can define your voice in your poems and have the poem be something other than first person fixed, then you have something special in your hands. Other than that, nice narrative, nice meter, flow. Stanza structure. You got it all there. Just a little more polish. Good job. Hope to read more from you.

This poem is compelling and makes you think about how boys and girls are treated differently. The way you talk about how, from a young age, girls are expected to be perfect, quiet, and obedient, while boys can make mistakes, be disobedient and noisy without being judged. The poem uses strong images, like "little mama" and "measuring stick". The emotional line "what do you become when softness is never an option" asks a tough question about how girls are raised to hide their feelings and never be weak.

In the end, the poem shows how the girl had to fight for her space while the boy was allowed to take up all the space without even trying. It’s a really strong poem that makes you think about how unfair it is that boys and girls are treated so differently.

Overall, it’s a deep and moving poem that makes you feel for the girl. It could be a little easier to read in some parts, but the meaning is still really powerful.

I really liked it a lot.

:3