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125,022 Literary Works • 672,754 Reviews
Hello, Ley!
I have to say, this is an utterly gorgeous poem. I can't believe you have the audacity to say you're not really a poet and then bless YWS with something so full of feeling. The imagery is perfect and the enjambment adds to the atmosphere so well. I am in utter awe of this poem. I want to eat it. I'll take the more specific comments stanza by stanza. (Also, your cover art is so pretty)
Stanza One:
I love pairing the image of a butterfly with something that's rotting. It takes butterflies out of their usual innocent and pretty context but also adds this steep divide between what the speaker wants and what their reality is, an idea that fuels the following stanzas. It's a neat introduction to this concept.
Stanza Two:
Em-dashes my beloved. It adds a nice sense of drama to the stanza. This stanza feels incredibly relatable, like life just swallows you and takes you away from everything you've ever known, and one wrong step could end it all. Overall, it acts as a lovely transitional stanza for the most hopeless part coming soon.
Stanza Three:
Adding breathing room for your audience with this stanza was an excellent idea. The words flow gently, the images are serene. It feels like a dream, so readers will relax long enough for the heart-stomp that is the end. Because it is a dream, it was never meant to be reality. I also love the difference of not adding the refrain to the beginning to further cement this stanza as "other" and not quite part of reality.
Stanza Four:
And we've reached the end! It's quite a bitter taste, as things have only gone wrong for our speaker. I hope they can shake the wasps out of their head. They deserve a happy ending. They're trying their best.
Overall, I adore this poem, Ley. I have no tips for you today except to accept that you are an amazing poet. Do that, and it'll be perfect. Thanks for publishing; I enjoyed reading!
Happy Writing!
Wist
Aww thanks wist <3 it means so much!
Enough to admit you're a poet? :eyes:
Hi Ley!
This is a gorgeous poem, and a welcome addition to the other poetry you wrote on this site! I love this style of poetry. The prose is beautiful, and it fits so well with the theme. Not using capitalization is also clever because I interpreted it as a visual representation of the loss you're experiencing. The imagery and description is very sharp. I can visualize every word in the poem.
The second to last stanza is lovely, but I wonder if you could change "doesn't" to "can't" in the third line. I think it could make the line more impactful, but that's just me!
I agree with herb that the metaphors and the butterfly's symbolism are done superbly here! I love this! Well done.
Thank you! <3
the repetition!!
and the metaphors...
and the start and end with butterflies
and also butterflies meaning a fresh start
diaskl;djkw i love it <3
<333 yesss! I%u2019m so glad that you understood the metaphors!
thank you herb *hugs*