Young Writers Society

I love the vivid imagery in this poem.
My stanza to remember:

I felt my heart get ripped out of my chest

The crimson pool of youth

Surrounding my corpse as I took my

Very

Last

Breath.

But then suddenly

I was no longer dead

And I was looking down

At my lifeless body.

Hello, I’m here to leave a small review : ) I apologise for any issues regarding proper articulation of ideas, this is a very good poem and I am but a blob. Onwards and upwards;

“In my dream I was dead.
~
I felt my heart get ripped out of my chest
The crimson pool of youth
Surrounding my corpse as I took my
Very
Last
Breath.”

Appropriately dramatic. I love the use of short verse to add tension. Crimson pool of youth as a metaphor for blood was an especially beautiful twist for me. The oxymoronic nature of this entire first part sinks hooks into the mind and provokes thought and curiosity. In that sense, despite containing none in and of itself, it has the air and poise of a rhetorical question. Whyever, dear reader, can I perceive myself dead?
The next few lines are what I like to call feeling lines.

“My heart stopped beating
I could feel my veins no longer
Pulsating.”

The heart and the veins here are considered separate entities in what is in reality a cause-effect system. Slight medical omissions makes a description of an experience all the more personal, relatable. When experiencing heartburn, the heart is all I think about, not the acidic food that caused it. When veins get clogged, the first few thoughts regard coldness of hands and feet, not dehydration or nutrition.

The last two sections are perhaps my most favourite:

“But then suddenly
I was no longer dead
And I was looking down
At my lifeless body.
~
Who knew that
I’d be my own nightmare.”

The first section of this last part beautifully twists the narrative in a way that isn’t overdramatic but refreshingly observational, with a detached curiosity that allows the reader to follow along with the speaker instead of being dragged along by an explicitly emotional experience. Having this as the precedent of the contemplative statement allows interpretive freedom. Giving readers this much freedom and food for thought makes the final, off-text epiphanic realisation of the emotional load that the text carries all the more powerful.

Personally, I quite like the dryness of the second half of the poem (reasons aforementioned), also because this is in the context of a dream and not an “actual” lived experience. There is somewhat of an emptiness between the before last and last sections that could potentially be filled with a toned-down emotional reaction to the situation, but it isn’t a large emptiness. I quite like it when poems allow room for emotional projection – and this emptiness allows for it.

Thank you for sharing this, have a lovely day wherever you are.
The blob.

Howdy hey! Gengar here to leave a review!

General Impression:

I’ve had similar dreams before, although they usually involve other people dying. Anyghost, i know the terror that comes with these kinds of dreams. I’ve noticed that they usually come from stress, although it may be different for you.

What I Liked:

I liked the variation in stanza size! I think it adds to the frantic and fearful tone of the piece. The opening stanza especially sets the overall feeling of this poem. I also really liked the “fountain of youth” as a metaphor for the blood pooling out; I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen a comparison like that, and it’s really interesting

Areas of Improvement:

The imagery in the rest of the poem, compared to the line mentioned above, feels a little inconsistent or not as emotional. It feels so because it is more direct and less figurative. You could improve this piece by using more figurative language similar to the one in the second stanza

I hope my review could be helpful. I wish you a good day/night!
—GengarIsBestBoy

Hey! Tea here using my bubble tea method

Tea Base: The first impression. What did I think about this when I read it first?
OH boy where do i start. This felt so ethereal? or like dreamlike (woah who would guess) Describing blood as a "crimson pool of youth" was quite intresting.
Add-Ons: What could be added, what could be changed that would improve this work?
To be fair, I can't see any major issues. I cant find any problems but if I were to nitpick i would maybe add a comma after beating?
Toppings: What I loved about this work, What do you think was so genius?
As I said, I loved your interpretation of blood being a crimson pool of youth. Similarly, the ending of "who know I'd be my own nightmare" is overwhelmingly reletable.
Straw: Finish off your drink! Any other quips or questions?
Overall, I loved this! Looking forward to reading more of your poetry! (and moee of your roleplays)

Signed,
-Tea