Young Writers Society

Hello, Lareine. I am here to provide you a review in honor of Review Day. Plus, I did review the first part of your short story, so might as well to this next one, right? Let’s get started, shall we?

I. Plot
First of all, great way to start the second part of the story. This made me giggle.

Man. If Mike knew about this. He was a pinball fanatic. An automated machine? He’d be all over that.

Anyways.

Uncle Jake relaxed a little and set the big-ass knife on the counter.

I didn’t realize that a knife has a big butt, or any kind of butt for that matter. Lel. Just messing with you.

Anyways, the plot of the story so far was intriguing, eerie, but comical (in it’s own way). Aha, see? I knew the uncle was hiding something about the pinball machine. You just don’t be protective of your garage for no reason, am I right? Still though, I would’ve been like Kyle. Nosy and stuff. The plot became more intense when the uncle finally told Kyle the truth, even though Kyle doesn’t believe it. If it were me, I would’ve called my parents to pick me up from my uncle’s. Just saying.

II. Characters
Kyle was your typical nosy type of guy. Then when his uncle told him about the pinball machine, you could obviously tell that he does not believe in the supernatural. I have no idea if you are continuing this, since you left it on a CLIFFHANGER, ma’am, but he will believe soon enough.
As for his uncle. His uncle is probably one of those bada** uncles who exterminates demons and other creatures for a living. If it were me, I would’ve believed him, for real. If he told you not to go in the garage, then don’t go in the garage. Simpleton.

III. Conclusion
The second part of your story was simply amazing. I hope you continue and make one last final part since you left it on a CLIFFHANGER, ma’am!
Anywho, this was a great read. Can’t wait to read more of your work. Keep it up!
Keep writing!

- Kanome

Hey, Lare! Ink back for a follow-up review, so let's get another review in for the Blueberries!

Nitpicks:

He sat at the dining room table, snacking on home fries and perusing a puzzle book on the table in front of him.

Do you mean homemade?

It played like he did now, Player One, forcefully and without grace and only focused on getting the best score it could.

It's unclear who or what "Player One" is. I can't tell if it's Kyle or the game itself.

Overall:

Oh man, I am sorry I don't have much to say. I'm really impressed with this, and I feel a bit out of my league.

Well, here goes nothing.

I think you could have put a little more personality into Jake's character. Using him, you definitely could have foreshadowed the occult a bit more. I was wondering about it when you wrote him mentioning the phases of the moon, but I think that doing a little more with him would really improve it. I didn't get much from Jake other than "gruff uncle." I think you owe it to the character to do more with him, because I can see so much potential in him to be a great character.

I'm also left wondering about all the animals. Yeah, it's a cool detail, but I think it deserved even a tiny, offhand explanation. More than the number of animals, I think the real question here is why Kyle had to have a dog with him at all times. I imagine it's for protection, but what can a dog do against some supernatural beast bent on killing Kyle? Are the specially trained or not actually dogs? If not, then I think you need a reason. If so, when WHY THE HECK did you not include such a cool detail as supernatural dogs?

Another aspect that I would have liked to see more of is the backstory of the family. Sure, Kyle might not care a lot about it, but maybe he got curious and snooped when he was little. Maybe he remembers strange conversations his mom and uncle had when he was really young. Even if you don't include a lot about it initially, I really would have enjoyed seeing those entries in the Bible. I think it would have been mysterious and intriguing to give the transcripts from it or something at the end of the story.

Overall, I really loved this. It was great, and I really had to wrack my brain for constructive criticism to give.

Like I said before, I'm always up for writing talk on Discord!

~Ink