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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Do you have a certain melody in mind for this? Or a chord progression? I'm interested to know how this sounds in your head.
This is really good <3
It's OK I guess
Hey! You asked for legit feedback, so I thought I'd give you a little.
Honestly, this was great. Your rhythm and flow are suburb, and the idea is golden.
But, I felt like in the middle, the moon (which is the main focus of the poem, according to the title) got upstaged by the stars. It was pushed out of the way. I thought, maybe, you could twist the old saying "wish upon a star" to "wish upon the moon" jut because it's a twisted cliché, and makes it a little more unique. It's about the moon falling, so why wouldn't you wish on it, like a falling star?
I hope this makes sense. I like where this is going, and I hope you tell me when it's updated.
Hope your happy with my thoughts :3
Hey Lareine! Here to give a review!
Just a warning: I know nothing about lyrics. >.> Anyway, I'll just have a go.
I pretty much like this... stanza. Yeah, I'm going to call it that. I can totally imagine singing this, although I think the third line ends not fittingly with 'when'. When I imagine singing this, I subconsciously pause at 'dry', and continue the rest in one breath. That being said, this might not be the case. It seems like you intend it to be sang in one breath, which is fine. Also, I like the imagery in this and the idea you're trying to get across. I'm with the stars crying for the falling moon (although it can just be that it's the start of another day xD).
Ah! This stanza is rather vague, in my opinion. I can totally understand each line, but I'm not sure how they're connected to each other. Probably because the images sort of clash with each other, how the lines on the page doesn't match with the words in the bowl, and how the last line has little connection with the line before. Again, this is just my opinion. I like the third line because it's the clearest one here in terms of meaning.
I like how this sort of like a nursery rhyme, and it's kind of comforting. The idea of wishing something not just to have it fulfill, but to gain some kind of warmth is an interesting, one that I think can be related by others. Nothing much to say here.
I like the second line! It's a better imagery to follow with the star, plus it's more connected just how I prefer the lines in the second stanza to be. Anyway, it's a better version of the stanza before. Sort of like when you sing it, you change something so that it doesn't sound repetitive.
Now that we've been established with the idea of stars and wishing on them, I wonder what's the connection with the stars here? Also, what does the moon has anything to do with it? Looking at the previous lines, the moon has no mention at all, which makes this stanza a bit disconnected, because it focuses much on the moon. It would be better if it's on the stars.
Anyway, that is just my opinion. You're welcome to explain this lyric, because my inexperience of reviewing it might make my review a bit useless and doesn't hint the points. However, I can totally feel the rhythm of this lyric, and I think it's easy to be sang. Keep up the good job!
Hi
I won't be reviewing this fully as a lyric, and instead as a poem and try to understand the miracle art of lyric.
*1*
I noticed that throughout the poem, there would be a calming night and gushing river's sound melody. This made me remember a poem, Acquaintance with the Night by Robert Frost. Very soothing, but sometimes, intriguing and this too implied in yours. I know many noticed this, but after the third line, you ended with a blunt 'when' and flows into the next line without having a beat. This, to me, makes the flow in-properly attune. You might want to emphasis something, but consider this: This piece doesn't have "End-stopped" break or punctuation, so this would cause an abrupt enjambment that ruins it all--that's my perception. I like the stressing comma after the moon, it falls perfectly that created a very good 'drop'.
I don't quite understand the third line's content: "always running dry". It isn't logical. Although throughout the poem, I notice about using the perceptive from a child's world which is lovely but overused and abused by some that would create awkwardness in some poems.
*2*
I find my reciting weird with all "that" in several line above. Being repeated, I feel irritated. I know that the decision to use or omit “that” is not always a simple one and using “that” is never really wrong, though it may be unnecessary in some cases. I don't find the images of "bowl" is going well with "scars" or "words". I imagined some slimy rice-y porridge which I don't like well. The fourth line doesn't make up anything strong. I consider looking for other images.
*3*
The rhymes and also, unexpectedly, the rhythm is quite not working. Maybe it is my way of looking this as a poem instead of a lyric, but don't blame me because I don't understand how lyric works much. The last line of each stanzas above seemed quite long, isn't it; however, I simply hate the facts you omitted something in them. I simply adore the paradoxical element in the first and second line above. It saddened me in a way though which is beautiful. The environment goes warmer and I like sweet-hopes the speaker gave to whatever person he/she pointed.
*4*
I like the concept of referring the beginning when something ends. It gives us many things to reflect. Don't you feel it cliche?
I like this poem. Question: I love the title, but what exactly it relates to the poem?
Keep writing.
~Memo
I love this.