Young Writers Society

Hullo, This is Liz!!


A.) AWWEEEEEEEEE this is so cute!! I love this so much!!!!!! You did so good.

B.) This is my favorite parts:
"He called me beautiful
used eloquent words that any person would be drawn to.

But.

When he looked at me,
he had a malicious glint in his eyes,
an omniscient air of what was to come.

He flattered me and complimented me
he reveled at the pink tint that heated my cheeks
he took advantage.

He decided that his grade was more important
than the tears I would later shed at home
than a crushed self confidence
than an ugly girl's feelings.

He decided he would use a broken girl
simply because he was lazy.
For a matter that would be significant for a few days
but would crush me for weeks.

He'd seen the acne scars on my face
and the pudge above my belt.
He saw the pain in my eyes,
something I've been begging people to see for years."

I love how you put this. The words you used put it perfectly!! I love how you used the word, "eloquent!"

Hey, Gravity!

I rather enjoyed reading this poem. It was mildly intense and based on the flow of the poem, it almost felt as though it was personal, which is a positive thing because of it means something to you, the poem will have more heart in it.

It was beautifully written and it was quite inspiring, my friend! You should be proud of this work, I know I would be!


MissLyricz x

This poem has heart and authenticity behind it. With those two things you're off to a great start. I have just a few minor edits to suggest or let you think about Gravity.

First, Content/Wording/Comprehension

The second line doesn't make sense to me. The word "beautiful" itself isn't exactly eloquent and it is a single word. So could you expand as to what you're referring to here or maybe make it clearer that the second line isn't a descriptor of the first line if that was your intention.

This poem is fairly short so I would urge you to maximize each line and delete anything that doesn't drive home the point or worse takes away from the feelings and images you are trying to create. In poetry a wasted line is like a wasted chapter in a novel.

In the second stanza "When he looked at me" doesn't really get you much. And the line right after about the "glint in his eyes" implies he's looking at the speaker. The line right after that is good - makes me think there's an abusive relationship going on.

3rd stanza "He flattered me and complimented me" you could delete the words "me" since it's repetitive and it'd make the line more consistent with the others.
4th stanza - I like how we start to hear a story instead of just descriptions. I don't understand this line "He decided that his grade was more important" what do you mean by "grade"?

The last two stanzas seems the clearest. The story comes through and the reader is left really feeling for the speaker, and most people have dealt with being self-conscious about their appearance in some respect so can also relate on this level.

Overall you have some good word choice, but I would like to see a little bit more metaphor and language that makes me see not just read what you are conveying. You could also differentiate the language a tad more since it is so short I feel like I read a lot of the words over and over again ie "me", "he", "would", "girl" "for days/weeks/years", "used" etc.

Formatting
In the third stanza "he reveled at the pink tint that heated my cheeks
he took advantage" these two lines seem a little off kilter. Like the "pink tint" line is too long and then the "took advantage" is too short. Short lines can be impactful, but so closely after the line with just the word "But" makes it lose it's impact.

I'm not sure how you broke up the last three lines at the end really added any extra meaning. It makes the reader slow down but you also sacrifice the poem looking clean and polished.

Another formatting thing you might consider is half way through the poem you stop using "me" and use "ugly girl" - although there may be reason to switch back and forth, just make sure to be intentional about your choice. The emphasis on using the word "me" so often really highlights how concerned the speaker is about herself which may come across as selfish or just self-conscious. In contrast using the word "ugly girl" as a descriptor for the speaker, makes it seem like the speaker has distanced herself from her self and that her identity is shaped in her mind by her appearance.

You might want to take another look on the capitalization and end punctuation for the poem since it seemed a bit inconsistent. Lower-casing/ or upper-casing the word "he" consistently every time it is used could be a dramatic choice since it is used so often in this poem.

Overall impressions/Content
Overall, again I liked the brutal honesty of this poem. I felt the emotion, but I felt like the poem could be more sophisticated with additional editing. How I understand the poem is that a girl is really wrapped up in her relationship with this guy and is very vulnerable in front of him. Instead of comforting her though, the boy uses her insecurities against her makes her feel worse than before. The implied message I guess would be apart from just the narrative warrant, that people should be careful about getting too involved with people who don't care for them back.

I'm missing some of the connections and story lines in the poem though. How exactly is the guy "using" the girl, all we read from the poem definitively is that he actually seems like a nice guy buy has a weird "glint in his eye". It's alright to be vague with how he is using her, but for me this is just a bit too vague.

Good poem and I look forward to reading more of your work! Please do not read my review as being too critical; these are all just my personal suggestions and observations and other people may have received different parts in completely different ways than I did. Please message me if you have any questions about my review as well.

Happy writing!

~alliyah~

That awkward moment when you're comment is submitted twice.

Hey there Gravity, Edel here and this is crazy, because I have been threw the same exact thing. I know a lot of people say "Oh I can relate to you. I've been threw the same. Yada, yada."
But for real, you practically have written a poem that has happened to me...
I suppose the only resin I came here was to tell you that, and I wanted to let you know that I think you are an incredible writer and really hope to read more!

You have some sharp writing skills! This poem really moved me. Well Done.

Whoa.
I just want to say how great I think this poem is...

(also, I'm sorry if it was based on personal experiences, what the guy did was horrible)

Have an amazing day!

Hi Gravity!
This is such a powerful and poignant poem! It was amazingly written and reading it, it was like emotion was literally dripping from the words. You did an amazing job.

The whole message of the poem is so powerful, I like how you chose specific words in each verse to put across different reasons why what he did hurt you. For me, the end was the best, the last 3 lines are so powerful - the way you used the words, the structure and the flow, literally everything was amazing. You write so well.

I like how there is no rhyme scheme, and although you kept the verses to 4 lines long apart from the first 3, it didn't hinder the flow of the language. I like how you changed the structure actually. It was good that you had the first 2 lines as a kind of reminder of how you were deceived by him, but then the "but" and the rest of the poem is dedicated to how he used you and made you feel ugly.

I also think the name of the poem is perfect - it gives the reader a false impression of what is about to come, like the false impression you got of the boy, but the fact that you used "called" in the past tense, hints at some kind of change which works really well.

There is one thing I'm curious about, and that is when you said: "He saw the pain in my eyes,/something I've been begging people to see for years." Did you mean that you have been in pain for so long, and all you want is someone to love you truly? Or did you just mean that you are hurt and that this guy made you feel even uglier?

I really like the way you overall portrayed yourself (as narrator or girl who is having this happening to her) as fat, acne scarred and sees herself as "ugly". It's definitely something loads of people can relate to - especially girls. But the fact that this boy used her because he was "lazy" is so powerful and sad, and makes the reader feel so much emotion for this girl in the poem.

Sorry for the long and rambling review, but this poem is flawless and I absolutely love it. Well done and please keep writing - you're really talented.
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