i walk the halls everyday
comparing myself to the others
the pretty girls with pretty faces
pretty hair
pretty clothes
pretty lives.
and i look at my ugly self
the self that wants to die
the person who never laughs
and i hold hands with my boyfriend
but i don't think i feel anything for him
or maybe I do, but does he care?
he stays anyway,
even though i'm empty.
a shell.
my grades are slipping, my talent is ebbing and my care has disappeared.
the emptiness is upon me, eating me, swallowing me
and inside i am screaming.
but the screams just echo through my empty insides, the sound reverberating in my ears but never quite reaching my throat.
on my ipod katy perry tells me to roar, but on my piano lady gaga tells me to not let them see through my poker face.
at the moment i fail at both things
at the moment i fail at everything
am i waste of space?
or just simply an echo of a person that once was.
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
This is simply beautiful! You know, I agree with this poem so far! Because seriously, some girls really compare themselves with other girls, it's really disappoint me about that But anyway your poem so far can actually relate to other girls who feel they are not beautiful.
There's no problem with your poem actually. It's perfect! I have nothing else to say but well done with this thing!
This is far one of my favorite poem because it's simple and just well written!
continue with your great skill on writing poetry!
Interestingly your second stanza seems more like a critique of the shallowness/emptiness of others, before you describe the self-loathing emptiness of your self. This lends an interesting contradiction to the piece...
Love the bit about perry and gaga. More contradictions, more criticism of an empty culture.
It might deepen your writing to reflect on what exactly you are afraid of, and simply analyze that feeling for what it is, perhaps learning to live with it.
I hope you can find perspective on whatever is bothering you. Read books, pay attention to what's in front of you, and stop caring about people who are only pretty.
I loved this poem because I felt how you feel. I didn't see many mistakes that you made. I have felt the same way many times even though I know that someone in the world will love me someday. The thing that keeps me going is a simple feathered thing that lives in the soul called hope. Just like the first man did and all through the ages. I did see one mistake you kept repeating, always capitalize the first of the line. Keep up the good work.
nice
Hey there Gravity!
You always do such an absolutely delightful job with these... I need to remember to leave a like for this one!
It really is beautiful, and explains some of the feelings you go through really well.
Another really well-written, easily-relatable poem from you!
I think all of us feel this way at some point, even if we don't know what, exactly, it is at the time. I know I have (except, of course, scratch the boyfriend bit, but other than that xD) and it's a truly dreadful feeling. It can be hard to snap out of it, and even harder to explain to others what's happening to you. Seems like people have a hard time relating to something unless they've felt it before. I feel like I need to thank you for doing such a wonderful job with this!
I can't really give you any nitpicks... over the years, I've learned that a lack of capitalization is usually just a writer's preference in poetry. Apparently, poetry didn't used to be punctuated or capitalized at all, so I'll leave that be.
With that said, there is nothing I can really suggest or correct here...
But know you need a great job with this! I loved it
Keep writing! ~
I love your poem and understand the feeling of slipping away but I think maybe you should work on some of the vocabulary in your poetry. I'm sure you could find stonger more demanding words to describe the emotions you're feeling. I believe strong emotions deserve a strong sense of language.
I agree, I find the best way to do this is with a thesaurus. as writers, we are weavers of words, it's up to us to choose the perfect words to express moments, and feelings. There are sooooo many words in the dictionary, but what sets us a part is how we can find the right words needed to give the reader a clear depiction of what we wanted to portray. Sometimes simpler is better, but in a poem like this, it really needs a little more umph to drive it deeper into the readers heart. For instance, I noticed you used echo more than once, the problem with that is that it becomes a word the reader has already pictured, felt and digested, if they see it again...it kinda bores them. They want to read, new, exciting words that send them straight into the portrait you are painting with your words. If not, it always falls flat. Other words for echo that you can use...resound, reverberate, ringing, resonate, it's up to you to find the ones that fit, and that will also flow well and most importantly give the reader an experience. When I read, I want to have an experience when the words are passing through me, otherwise what is poetry but sentences strung together lazily and carelessly.
I agree as well
Hello, Kanome here with a review.
Okay, I love the aspect of the poem, and I love the self-expression it gives about a depressed teenager.
I can relate to this poem because this is how I used to feel when I was in high school, still feel that way today, but still...
Nitpicks:
- At the beginning of each line, make sure you capitalize the first word.
- At the end of your poem, I think you meant to put a question mark instead of a period.
- Some punctuation usage is needed (commas or semi-colons...)
Other than that, this was truly an interesting read.
Keep writing, Gravity!
I can't wait to read more.
Kanome