I Swear I Lived

To all the people who have tried to change me, offer suggestions for my acne, tell me I need to lose weight, who have told me to "move on" and what I should do with my future, 

To Society,

My name is Rose and I have an issue with the way you treat me.

I'm a teenage girl. I have acne. I have a little extra body fat. I am not a model. I love to read and I think it's okay for people to talk about literature rather than celebrity gossip. In fact, if a person fangirls or talks too much about celebrities, I prefer to stay away from them. Why? Because the only celebrities I fangirl over are J.K. Rowling, Edgar Allan Poe, Sarah Dessen, Veronica Roth, James Dashner and John Greene. 

I don't like guys who look like they belong on a magazine cover. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm sick of apologizing. I like guys on the heavier side, what you would consider fat. Not obese, but on the chunky side. It makes the guy seem warmer and more down to Earth. I'm in love with a a guy who is about 6 ft tall and weighs almost 300 lbs. He has crooked teeth and a fairly big stomach. not huge, like I said, he's really tall. But he's big. But you know what? When he wraps his arms around me, his broad shoulders engulf me. And when he leaves me and doesn't see me in the way I wish he would, I don't cry about it like some stupid girl in a sitcom. I'm strong.

And that's another thing. I hate the way you portray girls. I hate the way you portray women. Either sluts or prudes, braniacs or airheads. Gorgeous or hideous. No middle ground. You make us seem weak. I am strong. I was brainwashed by an online predator. I lost my home and everything I had when I was 4 years old in a house fire. I watched my sister's things and beautiful artwork perish in flames that I thought were "monsters" because I was too little to comprehend what a fire was. I had to be there while my Grandpa died in April, I heard him gasp for breath and I prayed over him when I knew he had minutes left of his life. I have gone through a divorce and I listen to my parents fight several times a week because the only reason they are together is me. I have strength. All of the women I know are strong in one way or another. In many TV shows and movies, it's not like that.

And you know what? I am sick and tired of girls getting over guys so quickly in the media and on television. When a girl gets her heart broken, she moves on to another guy. And because of that, some of my friends tell me I need to move on or find someone else. I don't want to be with anybody else. I don't want to move on. I don't want to be a zombie.

I don't want to be a zombie. I don't want to go to school and then go to college and then work and after that, die. Even if that's what you tell me I should do. I want to skydive, I want to defy gravity, I want to witness a miracle. I've fallen in love and it hurts. It hurts so badly I can feel my heart shattering into pieces every time I see him or even think about him. But at least I feel something other than happiness. At least I'm down on the ground rather than in a constant high. 

And you know what? When I die I want to say I did all those things. I don't care about living to be one hundred or having a life where I was always happy.

I want to tell my children and my grandchildren that I had my heart broken. I want to tell them that I know what flying feels like and that I know how badly it hurts when you fall. I want to tell them how I suffered through watching my Mom in un-satisfying relationships and that I promise they will never go through that. I want to teach them what it's like to be wild, but to be serious when the time is right.

And you know what? If when I die, I only have strength left for one sentence I'm just going to say this:

"I swear I lived."