Note: Everything in the story below is based on events that do happen everyday in real life, but not events that happen or affect me personally. Also, this piece is based on Ellie Goulding's Song "Explosions" on her album: Halcyon.
You trembled like you'd seen a ghost.
And I gave in
My fingers tremble as they glide across the keyboard. I try to type with ease, but I am too scared. My parents now know about me. When my parents had seen the Instant Messages, they had just looked at me like they didn't know me. Now, they treat me like I am fragile. But I don't feel fragile; I feel broken.
I've fallen from grace,
Took a blow to my face.
I've loved and I've lost,
I've loved and I've lost.
I think about him, the man. His name was Frank. I am fourteen, He was 53. I still have anxiety from what happened. I recall what happened about a month ago when I was eating out with my Dad. There were so many middle aged men in the Chinese restaraunt. All those men. With darkened skin where they shaved, brown hair, brown eyes, an Irish look to them. And I remember feeling my chest grow tight. My breaths grew shallow. I tried to eat more of my food, but I couldn't. So I had stumbled off into the bathroom, feeling sick. Now I recall the memories that flooded my mind in the bathroom. How warm and fuzzy I felt when he told me he loved me. The Ping of the IMs as they arrived in my inbox. And how sexual things were. Things I hadn't wanted to do at first. All of that had overwhelmed me in the bathroom. I remember splashing water on my face and walking out of the restaraunt. My Dad had paid and met me outside.
"Are you okay, sweetheart?" He had asked me. I smiled and told him I wasn't feeling well. And that was my first panic attack.
So today, I am typing. Writing my sorrows. I write poetry. I draw, I sing. I turned to my faith for comfort. But I still remember everything that happened to me.
Explosions... on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same
It will never be the same
I will never be the same. Originally, when we started, there were things I didn't want to talk about. Sexual things that wouldn't be appropriate. But he broke my walls, brought them crumbling down. I tried to tell him to leave me alone, but I was so lonely. I remember how he treated me. When conversation got sexual, sometimes I would tell him to back off. He used to tell me off for throwing "Cold Water" on things. But when I let him in, I was beautiful and smart and mature. Now I feel ugly and stupid. I let him in. I let him take advantage of me. So whose fault is it? Mine for letting him in, or his for not staying away when I told him to?
You left my soul bleeding in the dark
So you could be king
The rules you set are still untold to me and I lost my faith in everything
The nights you could cope, your intentions were gold
My soul is bleeding. Literally and figuratively. I feel like my mind was raped. I'm sick of dwelling in the sadness. I'm sick of having panic attacks in public. Ultimately, I'm sick of letting what happened control my life. It will not control my life. It will make me stronger.
And as the floods move in
And your body starts to sink
I was the last thing on your mind
I know you better than you think
'Cause it's simple darling, I gave you a warning
Now everything you own is falling from the sky in pieces
So watch them fall with you, in slow motion
So while I am the victim of an online predator, the fault lies with both of us. I will never be the same. But he won't either. I will bring him down. I will make him pay for what he did to me. And I will make:
Explosions...on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same
I won't be the same. But I can't let this bring me down. I can choose to continue my pity party and feel sorry for myself; or I can move on. So I will stop letting this one thing rule my life. I am okay, and things will most definitely get better. So I continue to type and I notice my fingers visibly stop trembling as they do so. I can taste happiness in the air, on my tongue and in my throat. I can feel comfort soothing my muscles. Tears will not continue to drag tear tracks on my cheeks. Life goes on. It's time for me to start living it.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,539 Literary Works • 672,604 Reviews
Hey Gravity!
I have to say, I did love doing so <3 It was a really sad story but you did bring it across very well, and opens our eyes to how people can worm their way into your life and just leave havoc and destruction. I like how it ended on an optimistic and hopeful tone as well, that the person won't let this get them down and they will recover from it 
I think you tied in the song beautifully with the story, and since I love the song I must admire you all the more for doing so <3 Brilliant job! I do have some points of feedback for you though.
I remember mentioning I would read this
The style at the beginning with the main paragraph was good. I liked the bluntness, how you simply stated the facts, seeming detached. He was Frank, this age, I was that. It was a good way to open the story part to it. But in the next line you say that 'you still have anxiety from what happened' and then lead on to recall an incident in the Chinese restaurant. I would advise you cut that sentence, because that line is something you show us all the while through later on.
What was it about those old men in particular that set her off in such a way? Was it the fact that she felt like she was in love with one of them, or that she had been? Was she recalling the words and the touches and realizing that if he actually had been here, how wrong it would've looked and been? I want to know why she was suddenly so put off, and even when she looked at her food she could imagine looking up and seeing Frank there, instead of her dad, trying to tell her he loved her. Or something. Putting in more details can only make the emotion in here stronger, and can have the reader crying for it all to stop.
Suggestion: This seems kind of general. How about: and how sexual he always made things become? A simple tickle game could end up with his hands in the wrong places (or give an example or something.) What I feel like I am lacking a little in this story is that we are being told what happened, not necessarily shown it, even though I know showing those things might not be the nicest thing in the world. Just talking about ways to improve your writing here... >>
Again, this is me asking for an example. What type of things did she deem appropriate or inappropriate? Also, I wonder how she felt when she found out Frank was 53? Was he upright about it the whole time through the relationship or was it a sudden thing, almost a betrayal to learn his real age? I am curious...
How did he manage that? With words? By targeting where she was most vulnerable. Did she share how lonely she felt, and he promised she would never be lonely if she was with him? Did he try and make all that hurt in her life go away?
I wonder how she feels about that apart from tired of it? How she reddens with embarrassment as the air rushes out of her and it feels like the whole world is closing in? What she thinks as the elderly men pass her on the street? An ordeal like this must leave some scars...
This is just a little nitpick of mine... You repeat type here twice in one sentence. Maybe it would be best to change the ending to something like: my fingers visibly stop shaking as they glide over the keys.
Great story
Deanie x
Deanie, thanks for the review and I appreciate the advice. When I wrote this I was still in shock after everything that happened, so my tone was supposed to be slightly detached but still emotional. All of the story is mine, all of it is true. Thanks again!
Hi there! It's Lucrezia ready to review you.
I really, really like this. I think it's such an interesting topic to base a short story on, since no one else writes about this kind of thing. I hesitate to use the word "mysterious," but I was also a fan of how it didn't go too into detail and lets the reader use their imagination some of the time. In this case, I thought that style worked well.
I didn't really notice many mistakes outside of the ones that other reviewers have noted below, so I won't beat a dead horse and repeat those. One thing that did jump out at me (and this is very, very small) is that, when you wrote the first "I've fallen from grace" at the beginning, the I in that is not oblique like the rest of the letters. But like I said, that's not a huge deal and is quite easy to overlook. The rest of the story was really good and I enjoyed it, I didn't find it confusing at all. The blending of the song lyrics was also a unique touch I haven't seen before. Nice work!
Thanks a lot!
hello, bee here for a review!
wow! it took a while to snap out of "the mood". it confused me at first, a little, i don't know why, maybe i was translating the song in it a little bit early but when i let all that go it was interesting. the flow was heavenly and you made me love Ellie Goulding even more than i already do.
we do have similar styles of writing so i can relate. i don't quite understand your use of the lyrics in some places, the writer, is she the one saying them or is it just a reference?
apart from that, it was great to read and i thoroughly enjoyed it! keep writing dear!
Yeah I can completely understand how this was a little confusing. I can fix it.
that's super!
Hey, Gravity!
It's Stormsie again. (Oh my glob, I'm wearing my Wicked shirt right now. O_O Lol) This piece rings so much truth throughout it, and is an amazing lesson to Internet users. You captured this girl's mixed emotions then ending resoluteness practically perfectly, even though I noticed a few teeny mistakes:
As always: Write on!
The first small error I noticed resides in the line "I am fourteen, He was 53." I'm certain you didn't mean to capitalize "he", so that just probably skipped your edits. Also- I suppose it's just a personal preference- but shouldn't 53 be spelled out? Yeah... *thinks for a minute* I suppose it's just an opinion.
Next, we face a slight punctuational issue. "Ultimately; I'm sick of letting what happened control my life." Instead of that misplaced semicolon there, a comma or no punctuation should be used. The semicolon just doesn't make sense in that spot.
And lastly, the conclusion to this short appears very weak because you end it with words borrowed from another work. Can you rework the last paragraph? It would greatly benefit this story as a whole.
So... Overall this was great! Keep going, Gravity!
---Stormsie
No I meant to capitalize he. Numbers above 20 can be written in numerical form. Thanks for the review, I'll fix the punctuation error.
I also changed the ending. Better?