The Chocolate And Nuts coffee house sparkled with the stars studded in the clear sky of that night. Perfect silence prevailed in the town with short interruptings of the insect cricket.
A thin and tall man walked inside the coffee house. He was in a long and loose, upper full sleeved top, one fourth stuck inside the pant and three fourth hanging out. He ran his thumb and index finger over his thick, black, bushy moustache.
Just after five minutes a tall body builder man entered the coffee house. He was wearing a black tight T-Shirt and greenish grey pants. An old piece of cloth was tied around his waist. Very slowly, he ran his eyes through each and every corner of the coffee house. One could guess that he was searching for someone.
Finally the body builder man went near the thin and heighted man, and said very softly, "Hell! I didn't even recognize you!"
"Shh... Zelinsky, stop calling me Hell here. And, I didn't at all recognize you, until you came over to talk to me." replied the thin man with thick, bushy moustache.
"Oh yes-yes, Jinku!" replied Zelinsky. So, the body builder man was nobody but Zelinsky, and the thin man with the moustache was Hell in different disguise.
Jinku (Hell) raised his left hand. His sleeve slipped up and he looked at his black wrist watch, and said, "Well... Faay (Zelinsky), it is 10:30... there is no trace of Steward yet. I doubt if he will really come."
Faay replied, "Have patience, Jinku. He will surely come."
Faay glanced at the manager. The manager raised his eyebrows and moved his head in a direction towards the door. Faay followed the direction. He saw Steward coming inside the coffee house.
"Here he is.", Faay alerted Jinku. Jinku nodded lightly.
A waiter went towards Faay and Jinku, with a tray on which there were laid glasses full of soft orange juice and fizzy coca cola drinks.
Jinku picked up the orange soft drink. Faay extended his hand to pick up the fizzy cola cold drink.
The waiter left. Faay teased Jinku, "Jinku, we should avoid taking soft drinks in a place like this."
"Well... I know that you have over-extra-knowledge of these things." Jinku teased back Faay. Faay smiled.
Within a few moments, the DJ began. Everyone present there started to swing with the music which boosted the halucinations of the people who were drinking alcoholic beaverages.
"Just look at these shameless drinkers!" Jinku expressed his disgust.
"Control Jinku... We have to act normally... 'We too are regular heavy drinkers'. Chant this in mind to get a realistic expression on your blank face adorned with a twelve o'clock on your forehead--- I mean remove that frown from your forehead, and act like real drinkers."
Jinku and Faay started to dance on the beats of the music. They were keeping a narrow eye on Steward who was waiting for someone---his boss.
A tall, round man made an entry with his black shoes knocking the floor of the coffee house. He went near Steward.
With a proper planning and utmost care, Jinku started to move closer and closer to them, acting as if he was loosing his balance at some moments and preventing himself from falling down at the other times. Jinku acted as if he has drunk too much of wine.
Faay followed and tried to hold back Jinku. Everything as a part of plan to get near to Steward and his boss... to hear what are they talking about.
Steward winked at the tall, round man, his boss, who was wearing a scarf over his face just to hide his identity. The boss winked back. Hell (Jinku) and Zelinsky (Faay) didn't notice the winks.
The boss began, "Well, according to the next plans, you have to go to the secret spot, 'Sevril Pockocea-4 '. You will see 1118 over there. W.M gives you K to 1118. Take the bag and reach Loombale on 'sixteen-five-one-eighteen-twelve' road."
"Yes, Sir." nodded Steward. Steward began to rub the nails of his right hand over the palm of his left hand.
"I understand. You'll get your money in Loombale itself, after the completion of the job."
The boss left. Behind him Steward left too.
"What were they talking about? I didn't understand anything, Zelinsky. Everything was coded!" worried Hell.
Zelinsky removed his phone from the secret pocket inside the cloth which was tied around his waist. He waved it in front of Hell and said, " Don't worry, Hell. I have recorded their talks."
" Great minds of great people..."
Zelinsky bowed, accepting the praises.
Decoded the coded talks in the next chapter...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Greetings from The Swordsman!
Having jumped in at the twenty-fourth chapter, I have to say that I am a little confused by what is going on. However, with the chapter as it is, I thought it was very well done. It is obvious that the two main characters, Hell and Zelinsky, are undercover cops or something of that nature trying to stop the two antagonists presented, Steward and his boss. You have a few wording errors but they are minute. For instance:
"I understood. You'll get your money in Loombale itself, after the completion of the job." it should be "I understand..."
The same error happens a few paragraphs down with Hell:
"What were they talking about? I didn't understood anything, Zelinsky. Everything was coded!" worried Hell.
A quick run through would catch these though so I wouldn't worry too much.
You seem to have a good grasp on where you want your characters to go, and you don't waste any time getting them there. I think that this is on it's way to becoming a great story. Thanks for sharing this with us and I hope to see more from you.
Happy Writing!
Thank you so much for the review, The Swordsman! Thanks for correcting me!
I thought that I will not be writing any reviews today but maybe this one I will because it is a story I personally love to read. I saw that the part is out so I gave it a try. I can say that you tried very well and lots to..you know, find the way to describe the way each of them look so we can imagine a bit more. Overall I really liked this part as every other. Not my favourite but deserved the read. Well, only several edits that I may point out now. Let's begin, shall we?
I do not find a reason to put comma before 'cricket'.
'He ran is thumb' is totally wrong.
Maybe you meant 'his' instead of 'is'.
You can put comma when you order several adjectives towards the noun.
'body builder' is not a adj. Only 'tall' is the only adj here. You cannot use comma if you do not have at least two of them. Also, you can test it by switching the order of the words to check.
body builder tall man
Does it work? If no, you can not use comma. Well, you can not use the comma anyway.
I understand that why is the comma before 'tight' because you can say 'tight black' also 'black tight'. The comma is okay. But no for the second comma. Maybe if you had one more thing, you could.
Searching for who? For someone.
You need the 'for' before 'someone'. Ask yourself questions.
You have too many 'he' repeated all over at the beginning. I understand they are all men but this way we do not know who is that 'he' in each action. Be certain. They are both tall. So it is uncertain. Because you describe them too similarly.
What are they talking about again?
'his boss' needs to be surrounded by commas because it is more like extra in the sentence to make it more obvious who it is.
You started leaving space before/after the quote marks who knows why. You do not need it.
"Hell! I didn't even recognize you!"
An example of the right way to do it.
'he' needs to be 'his'.
You do not need so much space before 'raised'.
I do not think it is okay to start with capital letter after several dots. Though it is my own opinion. If you start a new sentence, you put one dot not many. The many dots show that the narrator pauses for a while and continued later back on, but the sentence continues, it is not a new one.
'there lay glasses' something missing?
..there were laid..
You do not need the dash between 'fizzy' and 'cola'.
That is all from me. Keep on writing.
Yes... I corrected them all. Thankies!