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Young Writers Society



The Terrible Youth of Freznel : 12

by Eros


         Chapter 12 : Sunday arrives...

" Marldon! Please save me! Save me, Marldon!! " Freznel cried out. She woke abruptly, panting. 

" Ah! Was it a dream? " mumbled Freznel, heart beats relaxing. She moved her hands from her hair, trying to calm down. She glanced at the watch. It was 2:00 a.m. She drank a glass of water, and tried to sleep again turning from left to right, and again to left. Then she went to the balcony. The town was wrapped in the darkness of the night. She looked in the sky which had wrapped itself in the blanket studded with twinkling stars. " Oh, lord! today Erwin is going to come. What if he is angy and try to harm me? What if he sees Marldon? Will he take him away from me? Oh, king of universe! Please be with me and Marldon. " She talked to the heaven, softly. 

She went inside again to attempt a one last try to sleep. Slowly she fell asleep. 

She woke up at about six and called Marldon.

" Hello, Marldon! I am afraid... Yes, I will get ready... Hmm... I am waiting for you... Come fast, but drive slow... Bye! "

She brushed her white, little teeth and showered. She was ready in black shirt and white capri.

Steward wanted to keep a watch on her house, but he could not since he had his morning duty in Chocolate n Nuts. 

Marldon arrived on a white bike. She was waiting for him in the garden. 

" Are you ready? " 

" Yes, I am. "

" Okay then. Let's go. "

She took her scooty and left. Marldon was on his bike, far away from her. 

" Hi, Erwin. "

" Hello, Freznel " 

After fifteen minutes, a young man wearing a sleeve-less T-Shirt came and sat on a table on their right. A short, rough beard flowed from his chin and a black band was wrapped around his right upper arm. He was Marldon in a completely, different disguise. He raised his goggle slightly up and winked at Freznel hiding from Erwin's grey eyes. 

" A-are you angry at me? " Freznel started the talk.

" Why? "

" Because I didn't come when you called? "

" Ah, no no! Infact I forgot about that incident "

Freznel sighed lightly. So did Marldon. 

Steward went to Marldon. " Sir, What would you like to have? "

" A chilled milkshake would do. " replied Marldon.

Steward looked at Marldon carefully by contracting his eyes slightly and thought... I have seen this man somewhere... But where?

" What happened? " snapped Marldon.

" No-no! Nothing, Sir. Sorry. " Stew left.

He returned in ten minutes and served the milkshake to Marldon.

He went around him to have a look at Marldon again. Marldon moved in slight awkwardness. Why is he looking this way at me? Marldon thought.

Stew then went to Freznel and Erwin.

" What would you like to have, ma'am... sir? "

" A chilled milkshake for me. " Freznel said as she had a quick glance at Marldon. Marldon blushed and turned his head to hide it.

" A mango shake for me. " Erwin said looking at Stew.

" Yes, ma'am, sir. " Stew left.

" What about the interview? " asked Freznel anxiously.

" Yes, I am ready with the questions." He removed a paper from the pocket of his blue shirt. Make me a channel of your peace... where there is hatred let me bring your love... where there is... rang the phone...  "Excuse, it's my boss." said Erwin picking up the phone.

Stew returned with the ordered shakes.

He keeps the glass of milkshake in front of Freznel, and the mango shake one in front of Erwin.

" Hello, sir... Yes, sir... What! Sir, but she is here how can say that to her! No, sir... How can I? O-o---ok, sir. No, sir I cannot disobey you, sir... Sir... but is it that necessary?... Oh, that's why you are saying this! Ok--- sir, no-no--no problem, ok, sir. Bye, sir!"

" Ah-Freznel. " said Erwin with a worried look.

" Yes? " Freznel raised her eyes up to look at Erwin.

" F-Freznel. I am... I am sorry, dear. '

" Why! What happened? ", she sucked in the shake with the straw.

" My boss said that the great author of our town, Heckle, had sent him an application letter to start his blog in his newspaper. That's why he has to cancel publishing this interview. I--I am sorry, Freznel. Please, please, please forgive me. "

" Wow!! That's great, Erwin! Heckle, The Mystery King is starting a blog in The Times Of Wiens!! "

" But your interview is cancelled--" Erwin said and started to drink his chilled mango shake.

" Ah, I don't have any problem. "

" Oh, really?! " 

" Really! "

They finished the shake.

" Okay, Erwin. So, I have taken out the thought of interview from my mind. You do that too. " she smiled. 

" Haay! " Marldon's closed his eyes and cried inwardly as he looked at Freznel's heart-stealing smile. 

Erwin was nearly dead at her smile, but controlled himself and did not show even a speck of it on his chocolate-silk coloured face.

Steward stretched his hands to reach for the pillar so as to keep his lean body balanced, as he was about to faint at the sight of Freznel's smile.

Steward got back to his senses and went near Freznel's table with the bill.

" How much? ", Freznel asked Stew.

" Rs 1000 " replied Stew.

" Oh, Freznel! Don't you worry. I'll pay the bill. "

" Okay then! Bye! " said Freznel.

" Bye! "

She turned back to gaze quickly at Marldon. 

Why is she gazing frequently at this man? Stew thought pointing first at Freznel and then at Marldon. This man... Oh shit! I don't remember where did I see him!  thought Steward as he grabbed his black hair with his dark coloured palm.

Marldon quickly finished off his milkshake, paid the bill and slipped out of the coffee house.

Read to see what happens afterwards.


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456 Reviews


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Sun May 29, 2016 1:19 am
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hi Eros!

This was definitely a very interesting, action packed chapter! A lot went on here - which is good, because I was entertained the entire time. I loved how there was a whole scene between Erwin, Freznel, Steward, AND Marldon. Certainly called for drastic measures.

I think my main issue was connected to the fact that there was so much going on. I'm not saying that was bad, though. I think there could've been a bit more description and detail regarding what was going on. Or even descriptions of the coffee house, really. When so much in a story is going on, a writer really needs to write a lot about what's going on. Dialogue can help, but sometimes it's not enough. What I was once told through a review is that a writer should think: How would I write this if the reader has no idea what's going on? Because they don't. You - the writer - know everything that's going to happen and what exactly is going down at that moment. But the readers don't! It's good to explain in detail. (:

What can also help with making things a bit more clear are dialogue tags. You don't need them on EVERY string of dialogue, but most provides a much more clear idea to the readers as to who is speaking. Using "said" all the time doesn't need to happen (because you can use yelled, whispered, murmured, etc).

I'm really excited to know what happens next, though! The Terrible Youth of Freznel is really getting intense and a lot is starting to build up. I feel like something bad is going to happen, haha.

I think that's all I have to say! Keep writing, and happy review day!<3

~ EternalRain




Eros says...


Thank you for the review! Hmm... what you said is cent percent true. I'll not repeat this next time, and will also try to edit the little-little-tee-tee thingies which really matters, here in this chapter as soon as I get time.

I hate this busy-ness with the tuitions, and the every saturday's test... The novel is going on so smoothly... and this test---it dropped a stone of salt in this smooth cream!!
Thank you so much for your valuable suggestions. It made me get a direction to improve, and become a better writer. xD!



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Mon May 02, 2016 8:35 am
Elijah wrote a review...



King Here

This is the first part of them all that needs to much editing. I think this is nothing to worry about. I really love this part, also, as always I do. I think you had continued the story that had started improving from the previous part very well and I hope to see the following part soon. It was really sad when we understood that she will not be in the newspaper but what to do. Maybe she will have other changes after that.

Now, to the editing.


" Ah! Was it a dream? " mumbled Freznel, heart beats relaxing.
She drank a glass of water, and tried to sleep again, turning from left to right and again to left. Then she went in the balcony.


Her heart beats can not relax. She can feel relaxed, and she can feel her heart beats returning to normal. So, check this part and think about it.
You need comma before 'and again to left' because you used 'and' twice. The comma before 'turning' is not really needed.
'she went to the balcony.' is the correction for the last sentence.

She looked in the sky which had wrapped itself in the blanket studded with twinkling stars. " Oh, lord! today Erwin is going to come.

'She looked to the sky' or 'She looked at the sky'.
Is he angy and harm me?

'What if he is angry and he is going to harm me?' is more suitable here or something like that.
If you look only at the 'harm me' part, it may look like this 'Is he harm me?'.
Seperate it like this and you see that it makes no sense alone. It makes no sense with the other verb, too.
What if he see Marldon.


'he sees' it needs to be there.
She talked with the heaven, softly.

She talks 'to' heaven, not 'with' it.

She went inside again, to attempt a one last try to sleep.


If you have two sentence which are both independent, you can connect them with a comma.
You can not do it here.

Come fast, but drive slow

'Come fast' is right because 'fast' does not change when it is adjective.
But 'slow' turns into 'slowly' in this situation.


What would you like to have ma'am... sir?

Comma before 'ma'am'.
" A mango shake for me. " Erwin said looking at Stew.

Comma before 'looking'.
Yes ma'am, sir.


Comma before 'ma'am'.
He removed a paper from the pocket of his blue shirt. Make me a channel of your peace... where there is hatred let me bring your love... where there is... " "Excuse, it's my boss." said Erwin picking up the phone.




'Make me a channel of your piece ( I think it is piece, not peace ) .... where there is..'
This part sounds like speech. Is it speech of someone of the words written on the paper?

He keeps the glass of milkshake in front of Freznel, and the mangoshake one infront of Erwin.


'Milkshake' is one word but 'mangoshake' is not.
Hello sir... Yes sir.


You need comma before each 'sir'.
Oh, really!

From what I understood, this needs to be a question.

as he was about to faint on seeing her smile.

I think it needs to be 'to faint from the sight of his smile' or 'to faint from the smile on his face'. You choose.

I am not getting where did I see him!



This is not correct. At least, for me. I understand what you mean but it is not looking right.

'I can not remember from where do I know him!' or
'I can not remember where have I seen him!'.


This is all for this part. Good job and keep on writing!




Eros says...


Hahahhaaha!! I make really funny mistakes!
Thank you so much, King!



Elijah says...


Welcome.




I don't think so alliyah, but don't quote me on that.
— TheBlueCat