z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Terrible Youth of Freznel :9

by Eros


Chapter 9 : Beware of Steward...!

Freznel reached home unaware of Steward secretly following her. Steward saw her going into the big house. 

Hmm... She is quite rich! So this is where she lives. Okay... " I will come back beautiful lady!" Steward spoke to himself. He left on his blue, modern bike.

Freznel changed her clothes and lied on the bed, feeling relaxed. 

Erwin is not like what I thought. He is perhaps a good man who wants to make me famous. But why would he want me to become famous?... Hmm... why not! We are good friends on Facebook. I think I am uselessly getting worried. I should not suspect him.... thinking this, she did not know when she fell asleep.

She got up around 4. She saw 2 miss calls on her phone. 

" Marldon! " She exclaimed with excitement. Just then, her phone rang again.

" Hello, Marldon! How are you?...I am fine... Oh! I fell aleep, so I didn't hear when you called. Hey! I am tinking to make puding today. Will you please come and join in with me... Yaaaayy!!! I will be waiting... Be here around 6. I'll finish baking it by that time... Bye!! "

She started the preparations to bake the pudding. God knows when the clock struck 6! Somebody has correctly said, time has wings. It flies off too quickly!

The black BMW car stopped in front of her house.

" Oh My dog-g!! Who is this handsome dog?! " whispered Steward to his friend. He was keeping a watch on her house. 

" Ohhoo! A rich doggy! The bitch's boyfriend!" replied Steward's friend excitedly. "Aah! I can smell the smell of a tasty pudding.. Stew, I am getting hungry..! "

" Shut up, Dumbo!" Steward hit on his friend's head, angrily. " Let me see the doggy! " he continued.

Tingg tonnngg... Ttttiiinngg toooooong!!... rang the bell.

Freznel opened the door with a handy blender in her hand. She was wearing a yellow apron, with all the dough on it, making a patchy design on it. There was some dough on her forehead, and little on her cheeks. Marldon went inside. Stew and his friend went into the yard and hid themselves behind the bush. They watched the next things from the open winow of Freznel's house. She kept it open to let the cool breeze of the evening come inside. From this place, they could even hear their talks.

" Oh, Freznel! Were you having a bath with the dough? " said Marldon teasingly.

" Oh, Maldon! Stop teasing! " Freznel scolded him, playfully. 

" The pudding is almost ready. I am bring it within 5 min. Wash your hands by that time. "

" Yes, darling. "

" Darling!! " Steward said with a slightly angry tone.

Freznel served the pudding to Marldon. They were ultimately tasty.

" Baby, these are as sweet as you. " Marldon hugged Freznel happily. Marldon had no relatives either. So there was nobody to give an explanation as to where he was going that evening.

"That dog hugging that bitch!! Nooo! This bitch will kick me off from my job! Boss will get so angry! "

Freznel and Marldon had good time with each other.

" It's quite late, Freznel. I need to leave. "

" Are you leaving, Marldon? "

" Yes, baby. I need to. We will meet tomorrow in the office, dear. "

" Okay then. Bye! "

" Bye! "

Mardon left in his B.M.W. Steward and his friend left too.

Let's see what happens in the interview which Erwin is going to publish. And what is the plan of Stew and his friend. 

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Sun May 01, 2016 11:12 pm
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hi again, Eros!

Well, I officially super duper hate Steward. And his friend. Gosh! I wonder what they can be up to? Hmm...

Nitpicky things --

Hey! I am tinking to make puding today.


*thinking
*pudding

Freznel and Marldon had good time with each other.


This sentence came off as a bit bland, perhaps you can spice it up with some descriptive words?

Freznel changed her clothes and lied on the bed, feeling relaxed.


*lay

Mardon left in his B.M.W. Steward and his friend left too.


*Marldon. Maybe instead of simply saying "Steward and his friend left too" you could explain why? Like, did they leave because Marldon left?

>> One thing I tend to notice in the writing is that not much information is given. You're writing in third person narrative, which means the narrator can say more than Freznel knows. Basically, they can tell the story so that the readers may know something bad is coming up and we get scared for Freznel, but Freznel does not know (which makes everything get much more frustrating, in a good way).

>> Also, I'm a bit confused. What does Steward mean when he says "dog"/"doggy"? I understand that he's calling Freznel a bitch (which also means a female dog) but I'm not sure if people actually use that or not (I've never seen it used before).

I liked this chapter! We definitely get to see a bit more about Steward's ugly behavior (which is really cruel!!). Marldon and Freznel's relationship is shown more to us, too, through dialogue and description. Great job! :)

I think that's about it! Keep writing!<3

~ EternalRain




Eros says...


Thank you so much for the review!! I will edit the nit-picky mistakes.
I have actually heard bad people say Dog, and bitch to humans. We call those people, "Tapori". I don't what to call them in English. Dog is a rude way to call, and tease good people. It gives sort of abusive touch to their talks. So, these bad people call good ones, "Dog".



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Sat Apr 30, 2016 9:14 am
Elijah wrote a review...



King Here

Well, these two peeps make me curious and angry at the same time. Seriously, I smell trouble from miles away. I wished you could let her lover stay a bit longer. Actions were not needed. Maybe a bit more talk and that kind of a teasing that you had used with the dough.
Anyways, I think this is a very interesting part and I hope to see the next part released soon before I die of curiousness here. So for the things that I may correct in this part.

I will come back beautiful lady!


You need comma after 'back'. I see you make many mistakes only in this area with the commas.

Freznel changed her clothes and lied on the bed, relaxing herself.


In general, we can not relax ourselves. Something or someone makes us feel relaxed. So instead of the part after the comma use something else like '..lied on the bed, feeling relax/relaxed.'

[qupte]Erwin is not like what I thought.[/quote]

I think you had formed the whole sentence wrong.
'Erwin is not what I though he will be like.' So you had used 'like' in the wrong place.

Hello, Marldon! How are you?...I am fine... Oh! I fell aleep, so I couldn't hear when you called. Hey! I am tinking to make puding today.


I will not say tha this needs to be corrected. But people can hear in general (normal people).
I understand what you try to say. But you can replace 'couldn't' with 'didn't' because it is something in the past that she did not do. She could do it but she did not, I guess?
This is only optional.

" Oh My dog-g!! Who is this handsome dog?! " whispered Steward to his friend. He was keeping a watch on her house."


You do not need the speech mark " in the end, you had ended the speech already.

Aah! I can smell the smell of a tasty pudding.. Stew, I am getting hungry..! "

You had forgotten the quote mark at the beginning.

Freznel served the pudding to Marldon. They were ultimately tasty.
Steward and his friend left too.


'They' is uncorrect. After all, we talk about the pudding. It is not plural, it needs to be 'it'.



Overall, good job and keep on writing.





"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind