I am anxious.
I am in doubt.
Of myself.
Of single things and everything.
And I have been comforting myself.
I have wrapped myself in blankets,
I have drowned myself in tea.
But I am already too warm.
My brain is already too warm,
like a computer
It is overheating.
I guess,
It comes from the fire in my heart,
a burning passion for perfection,
but it is fueled
by irrational thoughts
and a fear of decisions
and a greater fear of bad decisions.
Big decisions.
And small decisions.
That are equally terrifying.
That has equally catastrophic consequences.
And I,
so badly want to rest.
But only when I have reached
perfection.
But that makes me stressed,
and the stress makes me stress,
and the stress makes me crack.
Small cracks from my sweaty hands.
From my burning cheeks.
From my tripping feet,
to the center of me.
To my core.
It cracks me open,
and then
I am just a fire.
A flame.
A fireplace,
where you can come and warm yourself,
where you can circle around me.
Put your hands up,
and feel the heat.
But I,
I only see
a wall of hands,
trapping me.
Confining me.
I need you,
to throw a bucket,
of cold water,
onto me!
Where is the water??
I need to cool down,
but how?
I am wrapped in blankets.
I have drowned myself in tea.
I need to find another pond.
Another lake.
Another ocean.
Where the water is freezing.
Where the water is kind.
Where the water is numbing,
but also awakening.
Where the water is -
cold.
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First two lines seem to repeat themselves. I don’t very much see the point. In the end it seems more poetic and honest to just say “I am in doubt” or vise versa. I think anxious doesn’t paint a picture like someone being in doubt to everyone but in the end it is the same thing. Although Anxious is different it is an emotion and it paints a picture of someone who is always in doubt. Now I still cannot understand why this cannot be simplified; it seems that most of it is fluff
For example; why say “I am anxious of myself of single things and everything?”
instead: “I am anxious of everything”
Now I think you should think about punctuation; many writers feel like punctuation is for clarity reasons only I can see why you would want punctuation for pauses but it would suffice to put commas instead and also carry out the clarity of half sentences in common literature. Thus the best of both worlds. Or you can try another type of punctuation like the – or ; because a sentence is ingrained in our minds of both subject and predicate. You have fragments that set off alarms in our heads and doesn’t always connect the dots.
The last two lines are lovely because one they are original and paints a picture of someone wrapped in tea and blankets. You honestly could have started there and everything in these lines would just be implied although connecting the anxious to someone wrapped in tea and blankets is a tough shot I think you need to work on it.
See this doesn’t connect very well. Saying you are already too warm when you have the ability to just take the blanket off is slightly ambiguous; if you told us why you can’t take it off I might understand but leaving it there; it is not implied it is just silly.
The originality you had with the tea and blankets are lost because you dilute your writing with clichés like a fire in your heart and burning passion; why? You are so much better then this; I can tell just by the rhythm you portray; try harder.
The rest of most of this is fluff. You could have gave us a image of a person who was anxious about making a big descion in a few lines and left it there; but it took you all to many to make the littlest point.
So you are painting a picture with words not images. It’s almost like you try to substitute what we do instead of telling us what you do. The lines; small cracks from my sweaty hands and burning cheeks could have been better but that was all you really needed. The awesomeness of imagery is you can add layers of emotion and say a million things in one thing. But you choose rhythm instead and it makes me rather ashamed. I think you can do much better.
You have the idea with the blankets and tea and the cracks in me open; simply beautiful. Could be better but it was right on point. I think you already made your point but you bore me with rambling.
I hope you fix this up; pull out the rambles and leave us with images.
Hi,EmilieHaugaard.Actually,I like you poem so much!But the rhythm just ruined it.What?--Yeah,you should add some more punctuations here--commas etc.so that it will be more enthralling to read.Or maybe because it is water,so no need to put some commas here?Well,it make sense,but I will be very upset here with your poem.
#Another lake
Another ocean
Where the water is freezing
Where the water is kind
Where the water is numbing
but also awakening
Where the water is
cold. -->This lines looks a bit odd here.The element of repetition doesn't work so well here too.
Overall,I like the theme .You just need some improvement here.So keep it up!
-kudos,cheers
~Dark
Hello!
I really liked this poem. It had some spectacular imagery. I especially liked the hot/cold imagery, and the way you presented it.
This seemed like a train of thought kind of poem. Usually I don't like those as much, they seem to be the things I just think in my brain, and then I write them down, then go back through them again to make them feel less like I'm thinking it and more like a well-thought-out poem. (Obviously I am not doing that with my review) But in this case, I kind of like the train of thought aspect to this. It made the poem feel more desperate, more urgent.
I didn't really like your beginning. Especially not the "Of single things and everything" because I'm not quite sure what you mean by "of single things." I think it gets good where you say "I have wrapped myself in blankets" because by then we're on the fast track to get to the warm/cold imagery that defines this poem.
One of the reasons I am kind of amazed at this poem, is about a month ago, I wrote two separate poems, one about perfection and one about my uneasily, warm, comfy-yet-very-uncomfortable feeling as I stay awake writing these poems in my bed, Surrounded with blankets. For example, in this poem one of the lines was "A core too warm." Does this not sound similar? I recognize my feelings and thoughts from that night in this poem. Like you, I felt way too warm, I felt trapped, I was musing on perfection, I felt myself cracking a bit, I too likened my mind to an overheating computer. That just was strange for me. Seeing my thoughts in another's words. And one of those poems I wrote in train of thought style. What I'm getting at with this, is that if both you and I felt these things, surely many other people will have felt the same way, and these words-- this poem!-- will ring true to them as well. Just something to think about.
Back to your poem.
I feel like if you went back through this with a scrutinizing eye and deleted the lines you feel really don't add much to the poem, this would be much better off. Some parts seem unnecessary to me, others seem redundant. Just go through and say "Does this part really need to be here? Does it add to my main message." That way this poem will be a bit more readable to the average reader, it won't be so long and daunting.
I really really like the part where you talk about water. It is fabulous imagery.
In the end, I really liked this poem, you just maybe need to add a bit of punctuation here and there, and maybe vary your sentence structure.
Great job, Keep writing!
~Fortis
Hi there. Ariana here with your review. So to begin, well done. I really enjoyed reading this. It was very lengthy, but worth the read. I do have a few comments and suggestions though. For one, there are no stanzas. I would assume that this is another one of the formatting errors of YWS so I will not blame youm however, in the future, do try to use stanzas as it seems less lengthy to read with stanzas. In addition, there are really no commas or any type of punctuation, which there needs to be. Once you include this, your poem will be a much smoother read. Good luck! This otherwise was a pleasure to read.
I like how you went back and forth with water and fire in your poem, but I was just kinda "okay, but that's not in the title" when I read it. so if you're gonna do something like that, maybe include some steam images? But I liked how you had nice, smooth transitions to each new idea. And then you cycled back through them and swung back and forth like a pendulum between fire and water, cold and heat. Very interesting.
A long poem. Water? A nice topic to write about. A lot of stuff comes in mind doesn't it? Well I think you need to add commas fullstops to give your poem an enhancing look.
"I am anxious
I am in doubt
Of myself
Of single things and everything
And I have been comforting myself
I have wrapped myself in blankets
I have drowned myself in tea
But I am already too warm
My brain is already too warm
like a computer
It is overheating
I guess
It comes from the fire
in my heart
a burning passion for perfection
but it is fueled
by irrational thoughts
and a fear of decisions
and a greater fear of bad decisions
Big decisions
And small decisions
That are equally terrifying
That has equally catastrophic consequences
And I
so badly want to rest
But only when I have reached
perfection
But that makes me stressed
and the stress makes me stress
and the stress makes me crack
Small cracks from my sweaty hands
From my burning cheeks
From my tripping feet
to the center of me
to my core
It cracks me open
and then
I am just a fire
A flame
A fireplace
where you can come and warm yourself
where you can circle around me
put your hands up
And feel the heat
But I
I only see
a wall of hands
trapping me
Confining me
I need you
To throw a bucket
of cold water
Onto me
Where is the water?
I need to cool down
but how?
I am wrapped in blankets
I have drowned myself in tea
I need to find another pond
Another lake
Another ocean
Where the water is freezing
Where the water is kind
Where the water is numbing
but also awakening
Where the water is
cold."
See your poem does not have it! Please Do that and it b great