At the playground
A boy not quite grown up yet
A girl with a cigarette
There, by a worn down swing set
Talking about life
Silent, bittersweet duet
“Girl, your kisses taste of smoke”
She smelled the booze as he spoke
They saw the day’s first sunstroke
They both breathed damage
As the dull small town awoke
“Boy, you don’t even love me.
Grayson, do you still not see?”
And he said: “Some day, maybe”
She was in love though
She had promised never to be
“Sorry my insides are dead,
I really need you Jeanette"
There's things she makes him forget
So she stayed by him
Still sitting at the swing set
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Hey, I really like this concept! I feel like it's very poignant and meaningful, but I think that your flow and communication of the point could be more clearly defined.
A lot of times, the phrasing is choppy, and because of this I'm having trouble getting into the poem. I think you could easily add and remove a couple words to keep the rhythm going.
Also, I just think the point of the poem will come more into focus if you remove the names at the end. Suddenly, these names are thrown in and it's a little distracting. I don't know, maybe that's just me.
Either way, I really like this poem! Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Thank you for the review!
Ahoy there, Em.
I like the idea of this, with the two young people inhabiting a place that they used to, but are too old for, but not quite old enough to be anywhere else yet.
I think the execution of the idea could use a bit of tweaking, here.
I'm gonna be brutally honest here. I really dislike the rhyme scheme. It's been so done before, and it is distracting me from the images in the poem. Especially the forced rhyme with "jeanette." I'd do away with the rhyme scheme completely.
The line that makes this poem is "They both breathed damage." I love that. That line lets the imagination make up an image. I want more lines like that. Let my imagination fill in the spaces between your lines.
Make the character's dialogue more realistic. If you nix the rhyme scheme, this will be easier for you to do. "Do you still not see" seems stiff and overly formal to me. I would also make these two be nameless. Perhaps even sexless.
These two lines contradict each other. Make sure your lines are clear.
Here is an opportunity to mix some images and get across what you want to, but not let the reader know so much. I like that you incorporated the image into dialogue, but perhaps you could do something different. If I was writing this, I might write something like this: "ashtray lips on boozy smile, clouds of vodka in the speech." Strings of images run together can be very effective.
The last stanza is a bit unclear to me. Make it clearer what exactly happened at the end. First he says he doesn't love her, but then he says he needs her? I don't really know if this is a happy ending or a sad one.
A formatting note: I would include a bit more punctuation at the ends of lines, and maybe not capitalize the first letter of every line. That's a personal style thing, but to me, it helps the flow of the poem remain even.
I hope that this was helpful to you. Happy writing!
Thank you for the review:) I agree with you about the rhyme scheme, it's annoying me too hehe... I just need to figure out how to change it
As I said, you could just take it out completely. You don't always need a rhyme scheme.
Yeah I know, I just can't help it haha
Hi, this is Kman134, here to review your work:
First off, I really enjoyed this poem; although the title mislead me. I thought it would be a story about childhood and youth.
The scene of the story seems more on reality and sadness, not on happiness and love. one girls smokes while the other drinks and as they frnech kiss, they can tell what they were hitting on. then it goes into this emo phase where the girl tells the guy he doesn't love her, but the guy says that he will love...maybe.
This is a strange, interesting poem. I give it a 4 out of 5.
Thank you for the review:)
Just a few thoughts on this poem:
Really enjoyed it, which came as a surprise to me after reading the extremely misleading title.
The scene feels so real, which is what I love about it, though I could use a bit less of the repetition with the pronouns (They, she) and some more punctuation in the first stanza.
Honestly, I think this could make a great beginning to a short story. The scene is set, the characters both have personality-I'd read it for sure!
Short story or not, don't give up on this piece, please!
Thank you for the review, I will definitely consider turning it into a short story
Hey. I liked how you painted an image and idea in my mind already,which is a great thing to do as a writer already at the beginning of the poem,I do think that you should continue it,let your mind free,and let the poem take off! Its does not have a body or a conclusion,it only has the beginning,so I suggest that you write,because it can only get better from here. Good luck. I thank you for sharing
Thank you:)
Hello EmilieHaugaard!
And what I don't get is why they are talking about life...I mean it makes sense with the rest of the poem, but I just can't think of many people who get together at a playground to take about life... 
Ok, so as to whether or not you want to expand this, I would totally go for it! You've created a rather vivid image in my mind, and although I can't say I'm particularily fond of the direction this seems to be going, I really think you should keep going. The image is there and I want to know what happens next. I don't completely understand it and I suppose that's what draws me in, which is cool, a lot of early writters are not very good at being vauge.
Personally, I'd change the title, not that's it's bad, but I think it could be better.
Other than that, this was great. I look forward to hearing more from you and I wish you the very best in your writing endevours. Hope you have a great Christmas holiday!
Thanks for the review:)
Hello, I am here to do a very short review!
You should definitely keep going! What is it going to be all about? Do you have any ideas of what you are going to do with it? If you decide to finish it I want to read it so definitely let me know! Also, I know this is just rambling but you really have no problems due to the fact that it is so short. I do like the rhyming though. Good luck on finishing it up!
-panda
Thanks for the review
I'm not sure where to go next yet...Hmmm I'll keep thinking 
You're welcome
I've finished a draft of the poem, but I don't really know if I that satisfied with it...What do you think?