Take my fragile breath away.
Hide it in the lining of the dawn.
Release it on a wind still day.
And remember when my breath was drawn.
What I owe, now let me pay.
And let me fix everything I have torn.
Let this be my last hurrah.
All that I have killed, let it be reborn.
Finally, let the postlude play.
Fill my heart with the down of a swan.
So that I can fly away.
Tell the sky to hold its breath ‘til I’m gone.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hey there, sorry this took so long! Let me first say that you have very beautiful language. The only thing I could find wrong with this is that the middle two lines in the last stanza seem to be grammatically one sentence, so the period after "swan" is unnecessary. Also, (and this is totally an opinion) the pacing in general is a bit stiff. This poem feels like it wants to be free and very emotional and expressive but I feel like the statement after statement, every line ending on a period, feels a little too structured for what the speaker is trying to say. All in all, great job! Keep fiddling with it and I think it'll be really awesome
~Tiny
Thank you for the review
Hey there Emilie,
It was well written with a good rhyming scheme in it that didn't sound too forced at all. Sometimes the rhythm was a bit off, and that may have been to the rhyming or just the length.
Nice ending.
A nice neat poem here
First stanza: A nice opening, with great imagery. I liked the whole idea of storing away a breath until it is needed or released, so that people or something can remember. It's almost like reminiscing on memories. The rhythm here was good. Just a reminder that every line does not have to be a complete sentence. I think it would help if the punctuation changed a little. For example this:
Take my fragile breath away,
hide it in the lining of the dawn.
Release it on a wind still day
and remember when my breath was drawn.
Only a suggestion though.
Second stanza: Again, I like the meaning which pretty much shows how things should be completed before death or something. Two little nitpicks here. I suggest that you don't start that second line with 'and' and make those two lines one sentence. Also the 'hurrah' here seemed a little out of place. I would prefer if that word was changed to something a bit more final, like triumph.
Final stanza: I really like how all these coming to an end or reminiscing thoughts are all summed up here. And the mention of the swan. This whole poem has a graceful feel to it with the whole smoothing effect, which I find suiting
A good poem, with just a few little touch ups there. Looking forwards to reading more of your works!
Deanie x
Thank you for the review
I liked it but maybe if you give it a little more feeling and some meaning to it but aside from that it was pretty good!
Thank you
Hiya Emilie! Here to review your poem today~
The thing that really drew me in to read this poem was the title. It might have something to do with the fact I've recently watched the Black Swan, but either way it's a really beautiful title. I guess I just really like the whole idea of the poem, swans are really beautiful animals and I like how you talk about them, or show them here. Also, rhyming in a poem is actually quite tricky business in my opinion, and I've read quite a few poems where the words that have been rhymed just make no sense, but what I like here is that all the rhymes make sense and actaully work, so well done!
My first suggestion here is going to be about the flow of this, because right now there are a few bits where for example the line runs along a bit too long and breaks the flow up a bit. And since you've used rhyme here, it means the poem has a more defined flow, so you don't wanna mess that about too much. I'll give you specific examples and suggestions here:
I suggest getting rid of the second 'the' because it messes up the flow a bit.
Instead of 'everything' here, I think 'what' would work better.
The last line runs on a bit too long, and if you read the whole stanza you might notice it a bit more. I guess for all of this, and when writing poems in the future, one thing I've often found that helps is to read it aloud, even clap along to it to see if you need to cut out some syllables or add in more.
My second suggestion is to add more imagery! This is rather short, so I don't think any harm could be done in making it longer and adding more descriptions about swans. I mean I see the whole swan metaphor here which is a good start. For example, you mention flying away, so why not talk more about a swan's wings? As I said before, they're really beautiful, elegant animals, and I really think this poem would benefit from some more imagery being used. It seems like a fitting subject where you could really go into detail on all the different things. Even just adding colour-descriptions although boring on the surface, would help bring about more imagery to put a picture in the reader's head.
Overall, I really did enjoy reading this poem because of it's message and meaning. I really like poems which include one whole metaphor running through the whole time, and I think it just makes sense really. Something to watch out for is when rhyming, although your rhymes made sense, it meant that some lines had to be longer/shorter to fit in, so read it aloud to spot those. Also if you can, try and add some more vivid imagery! I hope this review helped, please feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing!
-Arc x
Thank you for the review ;D
Wolf is here to do some reviewing!
I really don't see much to critique in this piece. I loved it. I really did.
I would quite like to give you a more specific complement. But anytime I try the only thing that comes to mind is that I loved the whole piece.
I did find one thing a little confusing in the last stanza. I can understand using the down of a swan when to represent flying away, or in this case it sounds more like dyeing. But how are they supposed to fill the point of view character's heart with it? I think you meant that in a metaphorical sense, but I still can't figure it out. What does this represent? I have no idea.
Well, I really loved this, and I have to go now.
Keep writing!
~WW
Thank you for the review
I meant it like some kind of release. That the heart is lighter - letting go of weight. 