Collision

Love it. Simple and sweet. the rhyming scheme is great too.
I am a bit wary about the : on the third line, its not a list, did you mean a semicolon?
I think that 'I miss a time of liberty is speech but I am not sure, maybe you should invest in some quotation marks.

Capital letters. You don't need the at the beginning of lines if its not a new sentence.

and suddenly the whistle cries.

BEAUTIFUL! JUST BEAUTIFUL!

I love the shortness in this, and the word usage. I've really got nothing much to say because it was already said by everybody below! I really like this, and I believe it should get the highest grade I've ever given poetry. Good job, original, and once again, Beautiful!
FANTASTICAL
Dr.Strangelove gives you!
9.89/10!
Good job!

I've liked it, but I also just want to comment. This is beautiful.

Yesss! The poem was amazing!! It had everything!! An amazing theme, a cool rhyming scheme, metaphors. The shortness gave the poem a good effect and it did interest the readers. (Guess that's why so many likes! ) I liked that you said that the whistle cries. i can't remember at this time what metaphor you are using. i think it is personification or maybe not. but the last line truly gave your poem a great ending and i can say for sure that you are a great writer.

hoping for more...

keep writing!!

Cheers,

Shiksha!!

Hey, Em! Stopped by to drop a comment on a featured poem.

I can see why you received a lot of likes. It's nice, it's clean, it's simple and accessible. And these days I really like accessibility. I love the implicit imagery and emotion in the first stanza especially. I can see the train and I can feel the wideness of the picture in my mind, the distance between me and the train, the air and sky bearing down on me, and the ground beneath.

The second stanza, though, kinda ruins it for me. The first stanza reads naturally as the poems narrator speaking to the reader, not as two separate characters. The second stanza treats you and I as characters and encourages me to keep track of two sets of emotions and actions where before I was firmly seated in my fictional self.

In addition, the abrupt and overdone ending really let down the freshness of a tight rhyme for me. I am sensitive to the subject of suicide, but I wish the piece would have brought me something new to consider. Instead I just thought of how I never finished reading Anna Karenina, and this poem doesn't deserve that ending.

I'd encourage you to take another look at what the first stanza means to you and whether or not you might consider another path to another ending.

PM me if you have any questions or comments, please.
Keep writing!

Very short, but it works with the poem. I like your rhyming structure (abab...) it makes the piece flow smoothly along with the wording of the poem. Its very open and can be taken in many different ways so can be interpreted to fit many things. The pronoun choice aims the piece at the reader making the emotion feel real, and makes the reader feel it. It's short and simple, but well written and says a lot. I'd like to see you write more, I really liked this piece and would recommended it to a friend. Great job, looking forward to seeing more.

Wow I really love this poem! I particularly like the flow and general format and wording of the piece. my favourite wast was this line: "And suddenly the whistle cries." I also liked the use of "you" and you subtleness with the storyline. I think I understood the storyline after reading it the second time but I may be wrong. It's sad but I really like it for that. I generally like the style you write in too. It's so short and simple but breathtaking at the same time.


Keep up the good work and keep writing!

-Speedy Pencil

Hi EmilieHaugaard,have a good day,

Oh my gosh,I loved your poem so much.The way you play with the words is just matching with the rtyhm.I like both stanzas and I wish you can add some more-final line to make it more successfully as a perfect poem.It's like a small conclusion to highlight the message you wanted people to think about.
Actually,i'm in a little bit confuse with the correlation of the entire poem with the tittle 'collision' and also the last line:

'And suddenly the whistle cries.'

Is that have a deep meaning that I could not notice it,yet?
Anyway,you doing a great job and overall I'll give 9/10.Keep writing,wish to see more masterpiece from you in YWS!

Hi there and welcome to YWS. I agree with the other reviewer that this is a lovely piece. I read the title, expecting to read something much different than what I read. Perhaps about love or something of the sort. Instead I came to a lovely tale of breaking free of pain. The lines flowed very well and I felt a sense of freedom. The usage of figurative language here was also superb.
I was very impressed by this and can't really think of anything to say that wasn't addressed by the other reviewer. Therefore I will leave you off here by saying you did a great job. This reminded me a lot of the Statue of Liberty poem.

Wow this was... breathtaking.

It was so short, but so beautiful! I've got tears in my eyes, literally. I don't cry often, and never for writing, but this - oh my goodness! I'm speechless. Which doesn't happen often. I'm officially your #1 fan.

If I could press the 'like' button an infinite amount of times to show my love for this piece, I would.

Wow. I can't even speak.

*fans self* "Get a hold of it, Paige!"

Okay I'm back.

I loved the way you constructed the piece, and how it was so simple and so striking at the same time.

I wish, in the future, the pieces would be a bit longer, but for something like this, it was absolutely perfect!

I love the steady flow of the rhymes, and how it wasn't overbearing with a rhyme each line.

I love the simplicity of the characters, and their emotions.

I love everything about this piece. You've gained a follower for life.

While reading this poem, I can picture it. I mean, literally, picture it! I love this whole thing. It's amazing. You truly have a God-given gift.

I don't know what else to say, so I'll finish this up quickly.

But, will you be my best friend? I'm in love with your writing.

With Love & Adoration for This Poem,

Paige