No Rain

Hi Emilie, I'm June,

You open the poem with "I feel death as a strong emotion," which opens a door of expectation for your audience. I expected to see you build up an explanation of why you consider death an emotion and sense, but not an event.

Instead of the explanation, we get a little bit of an expose on what death means to you, how you perceive it, but there's nothing here that evokes emotion. It kind of sounds like you're talking about something as casual as the weather. I think you should reconsider the way you present this idea; it's a great one, I think, you just have to build it properly. Take your audience there with you by painting an image of death, not just telling us what death is to you.

Best--

June

Dispare death knives and hunters very interesting poem and i envy it because it is true we all are and no one wants to die so please keep writing poems i want to read them so i can see and feel how you feel another day and see why people love this type of writing but would it be better to start from happy to the darkness and then sadness then death as for depression in the end of the many people who will be missed there is no rain and no sun it's just clouds and sky not even stars from black droplets of blood and turn red as they hit the ground oh you can take what i have written in the review i don't need it because my poetry sucks haha sorry for writting something so long byebye

Wow! Thats really good! It has real depth and you have to search for meanings as it could be interpreted in many different ways. The portrayal of death is really good and takes a lot of imagination! One thing I would say is that maybe you could vary the punctuation (commas, semi-colon etc.) instead of just using full-stops-although it may be the desired effect, it can make it too abrupt and doesn't show variation but the idea is great! The links are very subtle i.e rain=cleaning and purity-HOW DID YOU THINK OF THIS!? Well done!

tiggpanda145

Oh, I liked this!

I like how you described death, as it's man....

And in the second stanza, I think you turned into death (No?) because you said, We are all hunters and we are all prey.

That could mean many different things...

Maybe you should put some commas? Periods?

I do like this however, and I wish to see more like this, because this shows awesome creativity....

So, I hope to see more!!!!

Thanks,

pegasusgirl2

it is a good poem but not sweet. i am not satisfied with the title of ur poem. u have mentioned "death" everywhere, which took ur poem on it's side and the rain felt lonely. give more space to rain and detain the supremacy of death from ur poem. expand ur poem li'l bit to kill the death's
leadership.

some positive points:

although there are only few good lines, but very effective in their sense.
i like ur rhyming scheme, abcab.

this rhyming scheme is followed by very few poets and i am glad that u have taken it in ur poem.

my good wishes are with u, i hope one day ur poems will give us the feel of william wordsworth n more good poets!

Hey! I'm going to review-w-w this I go from stanza to stanza with an overview.

I love this. I don't know if you've read Kate Chopin's The Awakening? It's a really facinating book and the first stanza of this really reminded me of a wonderful depiction of the main character and what she was thinking. Ecpecially because you used the term 'ocean'! That was really well put.

So, here it goes.

First stanza: My main advice for this one would be that you add a period, just one? So I've now slowly been evolving my reviewing technique technically on poetry, because I want to let the writer have freemdom for what he or she wants to show or portray. But I really would suggest either putting a few periods, and one for the line "And it’s a sight, a taste, a smell, a sound" or spacing it out more. Because the reader won't know exactly how you wanted it to sound, so the reader would just be reading it, in their own way. And when I read it, it was a little confusing which "side" it belongs to. That said though, I think it would work better if you switched around the 'and' ", a sound" to ", and sound".

Here's how it would look like: It’s a sight, a taste, a smell, and sound

Second Stanza: I find nothing to change in this, only things to commend. It's really great! I like the flow of it, and the words you used. Also did you use rain because rain usually is asociated with cleaning? And you said "we can't be pure for there is no rain". It's beautiful!

I loved it overall, it was good. I still need to get used to the no period thing, but I really liked it! I would love to work with you!

Okay, now I've changed it a bit

The pattern of the rhyming of this piece is a bit awkward.
In the first stanza, which is my favorite of the three, rhymes greatly until the last sentence.

7 Syllables
9 Syllables
7 Syllables
6 Syllables
7 Syllables
9 Syllables

^ That's the pattern of syllables (I hope..) in the first stanza.
It's very well played out, but I feel as though if the second, fourth and sixth lines matched up, it would flow better.

I suppose the first complaint I could make is in the flow.

My only other complaint is the grammar. There are a few minor flaws, but those don't have a huge impact on the poem from my point of view.

Otherwise, great job!

I like the symbolism in the first stanza, in rhyming "emotion" with "ocean". In literature, water generally symbolizes emotions and feelings, so this has a great impact!

Keep writing!
The wording of the poem is exquisite.

I love this poem. Things like this are quite funny actually, because I don't feel the sadness. Every thing here makes this poem very emotional. You used great metaphors to bring the whole poem and its meaning together in a very creative way.
"I live off death" My favorite part in the whole poem. It's quite something I can relate to. The both of us couldn't live if millions of people didn't die every second. Really that's what keeps us going, if that's what you meant when you wrote that, this is.
Poems like this stand out more. It's great for your first work.
Welcome and keep up the good work!!
~Dark

Hello there!

I really liked your poem it was really emotional and sad but I think I mainly love the metaphors and the meanings you have created within the poem; I could really understand and relate to what you were talking about.

I think there are some points to work on, such as "I live of off death" - I wasn't quite sure what this meant and if you meant you live off death or you live a life of death? or maybe this is just a typo?
Also just as a suggestion I think you could make the poem deeper and more dramatic if you extend it further and talk about things that contrast with death, for example life or happiness? Just to extend the poem and create a more diverse and interesting atmosphere.

Overall though I thought this was a very well thought through poem as it had great meaning and a strong voice!! well done

Just ask if you have any queries,

Keep Writing!


*~Annapurna~*