“Let me go!” he said
to the soil and the dirt,
that were holding him down.
“Let me fly!” he said
and his crooked branches
reached for the sky.
“You’re all so free” he said,
to the birds that flew
above his crown.
“Let me be like you” he wished,
and his leaves fell like tears,
when he cried.
And the wind let them fly away.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
I like it because it gives the reader a mix emotion the only word that threw me off a little was crooked, (might just be me). I like the poem though it gives a good message in a very short poem. It also helped with the personification of the tree so it gives a felling of being in its shoes (or roots lol). I didn't see any mistakes as ins dowelling or commas biting. Mostly like to grade on content and message because even when poetry is great it's better when it'd connects to the reader. Personally I've even had thoughts of hopefully wanting to fly away myself some days and I know many people that do want to since life gets hard and a break would be awesome, so I'm glad it connects.
Hey there. I really liked this piece. So happy I get to review it.
What I liked:
1. The idea. I enjoyed this orginal idea. You got your theme and idea across clearly as well as beautifuly.
2. The originality. This piece made me think of shel silverstien which is awesome.
What I didn't like:
1. The flow. Some of the previous comments reflect this as well. The things they suggest will do so much justice for this piece. A choppy poem will turn a lot of people away.
Overall: a good piece keep writing
I like the theme of this poem a lot! It's very creative
I'll review as I read:
In the first stanza it should say "that WERE holding him down".
The way you phrase the tree's exclamations means that you don't have to follow "he said" with a comma. I agree with wewinwelose when they suggested you change "and his crooked branches to "AS his crooked branches". That would allow for a smoother transition to the next line.
I love the penultimate stanza, especially how you compare the leaves to tears.
This is a good poem and I enjoyed reading!
Thank you for the review:)
I like this poem, but I didn't entirely understand it the first time I read it through. I feel like more imagery and more emphasis on the point (that is, that the tree is stuck by natural forces, not will) would greatly add to this poem.
Some alterations could be made in this stanza:
"“Let me fly!” he said,
and his crooked branches
reached for the sky."
There isn't anything wrong with it exactly, but the syntax could be made less awkward easily. You could change the "and" in the second stanza to "as," giving the poem more direction. You could also change it to read:
"Let my fly!" He said,
His crooked branches reaching
for the blue sky above
Or something along that format. It just sounds a bit more artistic and impressive, though grammatically what you have is correct, so it is really a matter of what sounds best to you. Just remember that your reader is not in your head, they only see what you show them, and we cannot make any assumptions without a direction in which to assume. I like the passion that I see lying underneath the surface here, but I feel like you could really bring that to the forefront by adding some more colorful vocabulary and visual imagery.
Good Job, Good Luck, and Keep Writing!
~Wewinwelose
Thank you for the review:)