This is the place we’re living,
in this heartbroken community.
If we’re all falling apart,
does it make us a unity?
There is color in your cheeks,
but only ‘cause you’re embarrassed.
We never learned how to love,
but I can teach you to be careless.
The soles of our shoes turn to ashes,
as they strike on the pavement.
We’re pacing back and forth and back,
when life leaves us impatient.
If you turned out to be smarter
and if you’re drowsy eyes could long.
I would let your bare feet walk away,
and wouldn’t mind not coming along.
These books are empty aren’t they?
You’ve been lying to me.
You’re speaking words I don’t know,
like you are extraordinary.
If I do forgive you, for leaving.
We could meet by at the town square.
The careless clock would tick again.
I’ll hold your hand, ‘till we die there.
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140,447 Literary Works • 673,203 Reviews
Hello!
Congratulations on a year of YWS btw.
Now....
What Went Well:
1. The organisational structure of the piece eg. even stanzas
2. Punctuation and grammatical choices eg. rhetorical questions, full stops, omission of certain words eg "These books are empty aren't they?"
3. The length of the poem. You said what you wanted to say concisely and I respect the need for brevity.
Even Better If:
1. You made this personal as opposed to general eg, introduced a character.
2. Defined your point more clearly, eg. yes, we know that you're saying the community is careless. but what do you want the reader to do about it? Give the piece a purpose.
3. It sounds very hopeless. XD Not necessarily bad just observed that waiting to die is a bit of miserable way to end a poem. Although, this isn't a happy work I don't expect a "and they all lived happily ever after" but the world can be bleak without painting such a grey picture of it.
Anyways, nitpicks done.
Hope you found some of the comments useful.
~R
Thank you for the review
Anytime
Hi,
Good job! I thought that this was a very good poem! I kind of felt that it was talking about The Giver because you put things like "We never learned how to love," and in The Giver they had nearly no emotions. Also you said "These books are empty aren’t they?
You’ve been lying to me.", in The Giver everyone had false information. Anyways I don't know if this poem does imply The Giver but that was just the connection I made. I thought that the poem had a very good rhythm to it and I don't think I saw any errors because to me the grammar and spelling was on point but definitely keep writing!
_
~~karina
Thanks:) I didn't intend it to be about the Giver hehe but I have read it and loved it, it's an awesome story:D