Kiss the Sound of Losing Face
Lips of rouge, a hellish crimson.
Ebony lashes over senseless orbs.
You smile, you wait, you are
but an unattainable embellished slip
of what could be, but isn’t.
Like a painted slate of what is left,
or an empty portrait where you sit.
Nothings there, sweet little one -
Just a discarded canvas.
A light goes out, you naughty thing;
A creature born for bedding fate.
Innocent head still dreaming, scheming
though the soul is justly dead.
Kiss the sound of losing face.
Taste it on the tip of your tongue.
Candied failure breaks your teeth
and burns away your sullied pride
one sugary gulp at a time.
Gravity pulls amiable souls
into the clutch of your demon heart.
It corrupts the mind, the reason.
But all the bells keep ringing,
and singing and beckoning back
what shouldn’t be fixed, though
noise and sound are all I hear, I see
and I can’t let you break
another piece; another me.
You siren. You fiend.
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138,497 Literary Works • 672,143 Reviews
Hi Dreameh.
Ack.
These lines have so much potential in the mist of so little. Two good lines among a poem that's been overfed and drenched with pretentious attempts at poetry.
You're not using words to your best, because using more adjectives and elaborate verbs isn't going to do much. Course, you can't oversimplify but at the same time. It has to be a balance without over reliance on the words to do the work for you. Yes, coral will paint more of a picture then red, but it won't describe to me what a coral (the noun) looks like either.
So, when you say:
What are you saying? Is it really necessary to point out the lashes are "ebony".
It takes this poem and turns it into self-absorbed description which has little to no appeal. I spend more time thinking about what senseless orbs could possibly mean or look like that I forget there's more poem. And you've wasted moments of my time to have me think about the most minute detail for longer then necessary without having me come up with a solid final answer.
What is a senseless orb? What does it look like?
Same goes for other combinations in your poem like "Innocent head" - what like a child, or perhaps a delicate girl with curls of blonde hair smiling in her sleep. Or like "amiable souls " - I mean know on is stands there and is like "Hey, that guy looks like he has a good friendly soul. Let's talk to him."
You're fluffing something that needs none of it, it tries so hard to be profound through what it's say, but the words are its downfall because in the end it becomes meaningless in it's effort to be emotional and provoking etc etc.
Make it natural Dream, make it flow, don't go out of your way to trip your poem and leave it stranded before you can reach your reader.
Kamas
hi Dream. I'm here to review this poem!!!
<3 nice opening
This kind of confused me. Yes, one of best parts about being a poet is to confuse people, but... Still. This seems to have nothing to do with the first two lines. From my point of veiw at least.
I like this line.
I wish you had just left it without this. It kind of made me go. 'oh... It was so good. Then you added this.' It's not that it's bad. It just ruined the cohesiveness.
Overall, I loved it. Only one grammatical error, and only one really big problem that I saw. Good job!!!
~Drama