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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
You have a nice concept here, with everything revolving around the monetary theme. You keep your imagery consistent, an effort that is made easier by the heavy reliance on the money metaphors.
What's interesting to me is that this comes off as a romantic poem on the first read-through, but with each successive read-through it gets more and more anti-romantic. There's a lot going on here that suggests this romance isn't all it immediately seems to be. Pennies/copper are immediately associated with the lips and face in the first stanza, whereas nickels/silver are associated with thoughts in the first and last stanzas, which makes it troubling that all the nickels could not measure the worth of a penny, suggesting that this romance is only skin-deep.
Other hints of a shallow romance are scattered about, with declarations of love described as soundless nothings, and a pervasive silence built through the first and second stanzas. This seems like a doomed love, something that both parties deeply want to be true, but there is no connection of minds, just night's desire for day, the speaker's desire for copper against their silver.
Now, you describe this as particularly romantic in your author's note, which raises a small flag. If my interpretation is way different than what you were going for, I suggest thinking about what you wanted to say and why what you wrote didn't say that. How could your metaphors be used more accurately to convey your message? What words might give an opposite impression of what is intended? This might not apply, I have no idea what you were actually going for and don't want to know, but if what you said is different than what you wanted to say, it's always worth looking back and figuring out why that happened.
This section seemed like largely unnecessary imagery to me. I think there's an impulse in poetry to make lots of pretty images because everyone wants their poetry to be beautiful. It's a challenge to reign in that impulse and keep everything powerful and strong. Here the only line that conveys strong meaning is "it's sunny where you are" because it sets up a contrast with the dark imagery of the next stanza. The rest feels like filler.
This is a little vague and, as a result, boring for me. Compare it to an earlier section:
Do you see how much more powerful that section is than the first one? By giving specific words and describing the minds, the room, the lighting, and some action, you create an interesting scene with depth. It's excellent, and the second stanza deserves just as much detail and depth.
Overall, this is very well done. I felt the second stanza was significantly weaker than the others, but you create an intriguing story and use consistent imagery and themes, which makes for a very good poem. Nice job.
Cheers,
Shade
This is really beautiful. Sorry I don't really have anything very helpful to say. It's really beautiful.
I like it...
Good job with the visualization. The flow of the poem worked well also. I really can't comment on the structure of your poem. I'm not sure if there even is one. I will say that you are good with words and it seems that you are (or you can get) pretty deep. And that is a good thing. Keep it up holmes, good job.
Sorry, this was ment to be a review but I didn't click the checkbox. Looks like you will have to deal with a double post because I don't know how to delete the other one. Sorry ☺
Good job with the visualization. The flow of the poem worked well also. I really can't comment on the structure of your poem. I'm not sure if there even is one. I will say that you are good with words and it seems that you are (or you can get) pretty deep. And that is a good thing. Keep it up holmes, good job.
Bravo!! That's really great!! I am not a poetry expert but it sounds damn good to me!