and to think we should see each other
as two finite masks, printed over porcelain
to be beautiful, ugly, as you wish it
but so easily shattered, broken as we are.
you and I who see heart to heart
yet cannot face the other’s eyes -
to know we are equal,
you with words, and I with passion
when it is your hand that engulfs mine
and my lips that impress yours.
brow to brow, cheek to cheek --
the heat of your skin mingling with hers
when the fires of my passion grow dim,
seeping through ink, blotting pages;
liquid marks echoing on pillow cases
where a weary mind lays dreams to rest
and sleep follows each moment
pleading even now, you see,
to give this hope an end
and lay me down tonight, instead.
tomorrow may be brighter
for you, without you.
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139,314 Literary Works • 672,529 Reviews
So hi,
I adore this. While I do have to say I have a problem with the caps, or therefore lack of, I must also mention it doesn't matter to me as much in this. With this it seems almost right and fit. This had a little grammar blimp, but that's just fine. Good job! Keep on reviewing and writing!
Farewell,
-A.
Wow....this is really great. really deep. Though I can't understand some parts of it.
This is my favourite line.
I really love your choice of words. How you make it sound so poetic and magical. But if it was easier to understand, and a bit shorter, I'll enjoy it much more. But that's really just a small afterthought, you don't really have to pay it any thought cuz it may be your style and many more people might like it.
Hey Walks!
Audy sent me your way to have a look at this poem. She’s already reviewed it so you’ve got an excellent couple of tips and comments already; Lord knows what you’ll get from me!
You have a solid poem base here, but you’re over thinking it by far too much. To begin you start well, I really, really like your first line. But your third and fourth lines are terribly stilted, curled up in their own language, so much so that they’re incredibly difficult to read. In fact, reading over it, your language is what is throwing you back through the entire poem, you’re being too poetic, we’re stumbling into the purple prose. Your strong beginning is strong because it is frank, honest in it’s simplicity. The longer you write the more you mix your syntax (which I don’t have a personal problem with on the whole, more syntax experiments, I say!) that here creates a bit of an archaic feel to the poem. I don’t think that’s what you need or want. I think you need something a little more snappy, to the point without losing the heady feeling. Your poem should be smoke, I think, thick plumes of it wound into words, instead it’s blocky with the artistry. Step back from this and deconstruct a little, shorten your lines and remove as many commas as you can stand to remove. This includes losing some of that “me, him/he, I” stuff which is holding you back.
I understand this is about heartache, the loss of a lover to another and such, but you could make this far more gritty, more heartfelt in your language. Throw away the impersonal stance – the distance that your writing takes on because of syntax – and take up a heartfelt roar against the injustice of loss! Or something like that.
I’m definite you can improve this by bringing it into the now. If you do change it, tell me, I’d love to know.
- The guin.
Dreamwalker,
I'm always excited when I come across one of your poems. Actually, I wish I can write poetry like you. You have a knack for narrowing into those key, specific details - like your word-choice for example, "printed over porcelain" -- I mean, the sound alone is pleasing, but your choice of verb and everything just works together. I could point out about a dozen of these in this poem alone.
Also what I like is how this poem holds no boundaries. The structure itself suggests it, so I like the choice of not capitalizing. And the fact that it could be filed under lyrical, under dramatic, under narrative - I mean - when I say that it "works together" - everything does xD Like a complete package.
The emotions in this - I get the sense the speaker and the "you" (who is male, yes?) are no longer together. There's a third person might have driven him away, or maybe he is chasing her as a new possibility. The reasons don't matter so much as the effect, which I feel you've captured beautifully in that second-half.
Interesting choice of verb. In my mind I hear dripping, but I love the double-meaning of echoes.
Now, because I can't really find anything to nit-pick perse, I've pointed out weak points:
You can do a search for how many times "easily shattered" appears in poetry. I feel it works here, but I also feel as though you can come up with a better image. I guess I'm being real picky.
Finite for example, while it's not a bad word choice, it doesn't say much image/sensory-wise, so I feel as though you can leave out "finite" and nothing will be lost. I mean, of course masks are finite. A lot of things are. It doesn't make these particular masks unique.
Oi. I like the image in this - like tainted - and you get this sense of the turmoil, BUT you can also do a search to see how many times "ink blotting pages" appear in poetry, and while I get that this poem is unique in its own sense, and you use these in new and interesting ways, you really could vary it a little. The ink already brings up the writing-theme, so change pages to "sheets" to correlate with the pillow-case image? I mean, sheets is another word for pages, anyway :shrugs: Just a suggestion. Even though its essentially the same, you sort of weave around the cliche and emphasis the point that you're making it your own/ your making it new/fresh.
That is all I can come up with, honestly. You've really given me work to do, trying to find a fault in this.
<3 Keep writing, Dreamwalker
~ as always, Audy
Hey Dream! Dogs here with your review today! Firstly, I LOVE THIS! (although i like "you too will turn to dust, one day" better... still waiting for that solution...) Anywhooooooo this piece was still great. You took an old worn out topic and turned it into something new without your own twist on it.
My absolute favorite part of this piece is when you talk about the "porcelain masks". omg! So much imagery and it sounds soooooo good. I love that part in the first stanza it's just..... i can think of a stronger more "betterer" word that FANTASTIC!
All and all this was great my friend. Please o please keep up the good work!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh