october comes too early

Hey there!

You've got some good imagery here, but at the same time there are some spots where you used words that were a little, well, blah. For example:

so sublime

I feel like you used "sublime" more to rhyme with "time" than because it had some special meaning here. Obviously it still FITS, but compared to all the imagery it's just "blah." I do like the interesting rhyme you use - sometimes at the ends of lines, sometimes within lines - but I don't think you'd lose anything if you forwent the rhyme scheme now and then and went with something more concrete than "sublime."

However, like I said - overall you have good imagery, and the rhyme scheme is really cool and unusual. (I've used a similar one before, but it doesn't happen often and most people never use it.)

The only other criticism I have is that I think this poem really ends with "if only, if only." I don't feel that the last two lines are necessary - I understand that they tie directly back in to the first two lines, but I don't think you need to do that, as I never felt the poem deviated too far from itself (if that makes sense). You could get rid of those two lines and be fine. I felt like the poem was over, but then, bam, two more lines, and it just broke this up a little for me.

Hope this helped!
~Blue

Walker, surprise review time~

Dreamwalker wrote:breaking the branches we’d swing from
with little remorse, little remembrance,
of the days we’d play, we’d laugh away
our time -- so sublime

Rhythm out of control. An almost in media res first line unless you want us to read the title into the first line, which works. The rest of these lines get too quick in their rhyme and parallel structure; there's nothing dividing or justifying the structure image wise or sensory for me to visualize what is happening. The voice is also hesitant too. Maybe that's the real thing here, you voice is slightly uncomfortable.

were the moments etched in bark
by blades of our own beating hearts.

Ugh. Just. No. And with "so sublime" before. I know you can do better than this. I've seen you do better than this. Please never again Walker.

and to think that so much could occur
when all that’s left is markings
on a burdened tree, clinging to feeble roots
with little sun, with little water;
only age remains, counting circles
one by one.

So...the images here are better, and I can follow this. But you're making it a riddle. Tie this down to concrete experience or happenings, things that aren't just a tree. But if it's just a tree in October, do less of this "we, us, them, it" changing pronouns. Give very tangible parameters to what the poem's outer limits are.

raking the leaves we’d once fall in --
singing tunes no one cares to recall
and we’d crone like old crows
chilled to the bone, thinking desperate hopes
and desperate thoughts on our lips.
each second colder.

Okay, the rhythm gets better, your line-breaks end nicely for the most part by the way, very well done. However, you're giving very shallow pictures of everything that's happening. What about these croning old crows? What about the desperate things? What about this nostalgia? What's the depth? What are you really wanting to say? And then why, please say, why are these seconds colder and why is it alone in its existence?

a requiem for october, who kissed
tender moments goodbye.
we’d then lay our heads in restless beds
wondering if sleep could cure this plight;
that this night would be ours, and it might
if only, if only.

but we silly creatures keep
breaking the branches we’d swing from.

Cliches, rhyme, and then a sort of moral or lesson, or just epiphany at the end. I think you're trying to obfuscate this poem from what you mean to write. Take a while to think about what you meant in the tree and the "silly creatures" because you're just sticking your toe into the shallow end right now and god knows what's resting at the deep end.

i thought the poem was very good. i enjoyed how it was a memory instead of the future. i feel that sometimes when people write a poem about the future they add to much and it gets boring. i think you are a very talented writer and that you should keep on doing it for a very long time. my favorite part was when you were on the second to the last verse.

Spoiler

it was still one of the best poems i have read by you

i loved the poem

Very nostalgic and brilliantly written.
One of the most difficult things to do is to recall one's childhood. No matter how good our memory is as we grow older, childhood seems nothing more than a vague dream we had dreamed long time ago. To write about it is all the more difficult simply because of the fact that although everyone of us has gone through this yet it's difficult to express it in words.

My favorite bits from this poem.

were the moments etched in bark
by blades of our own beating hearts.

Beautifully expressed. You didn't resort to a cliche and chose words that didn't break up the previous image to create a new one but added to the one you had already conjured by your first words.

raking the leaves we’d once fall in --
singing tunes no one cares to recall

Very nostalgic and something that everyone can relate to.

if only, if only.

Those words narrate a poem of their own. More than that, I cannot say.

but we silly creatures keep
breaking the branches we’d swing from.

I love the fact that the first and the last lines are the same, you've 'come full circle' if I may say so. Brilliant.

You did leave the readers to form their own opinions and as such allowed them not live your childhood but to relive their own. You conjured up an image for them but let them pour their own memories into it; Well sort of, it's rather hard to explain , Oh well.

All in all, it's a wonderful piece of writing and I absolutely love it!!!