Young Writers Society

Close your eyes, still your breath,
The #BF00BF ">night's swift call beseeches you.
A rhythmic dream draws you to death,
#BF00BF ">As time’s embrace holds strong and true.

I walk with you through memories,
Piano’s drone, a deafening sound.
Swimming endlessly through open seas, #BF00BF ">I'd suggest switching this around, maybe to "Swimming through endless, open seas" - the way it is now caused me to stumble a little.
Once was lost, now was found.

If hope is demeaning then love is a hoax#BF00BF ">. (I think making this a period, for two separate thoughts, makes a great impact) If faith is deceiving then peace is a lie.
The heart is unbinding with #BF00BF ">its soft coax,
#BF00BF ">Its gentle beating, just waiting to die.

Don’t smile so tenderly, a face unashamed,
Your laughter innocent as a bells distant chime.
I always knew you could never be tamed,
And I would certainly continue this endless rhyme. #BF00BF ">I agree with Shadow - this is too long, it throws off the rhythm. I would cut out "certainly. You could also change "I would" to "I'd" but I don't like that as well - I feel like the "would" parallels the "could" of the previous line.

I wish I could hold you through time gone past,
That this listless song is my heart’s last murmur. #BF00BF ">This tense seems odd. I'd change "is" to "was," I think it fits better. I'm having a terribly hard time explain exactly why though.
I wish that time would not take you so fast,
For now I sit alone, the lowly Dreamwalker.#BF00BF ">Again, I agree with Shadow - the rhyme scheme has been constant up until this stanza so it seems a little off.

Don’t smile so tenderly, a face unashamed,
#BF00BF ">your laughter innocent as a bells distant chime.
I always knew you could never be tamed,
#BF00BF ">and I would certainly continue this endless rhyme.

I wish I could hold you through time gone past,
#BF00BF ">that this listless song is my heart’s last murmur.
I wish that time would not take you so fast,
#BF00BF ">for now I sit alone, the lowly Dreamwalker.

Wow this is really good I love it. Keep up the good work. This truly spoke to me!!!

Wow, I love your poem! My favorite stanza is the third, but I also like the rest of the poem. But a few nit-picks I found...but I they were ones that your other reviewers pointed out. I wa really into the poem, then I read "Once was lost, now is found". <----I wanted to start singin amazing grace, lol. I think all writers accidentally do this, it's inevitable especially being your first poem. I also agree with shadow, the word "certainly" just makes the line longer and more awkward.sorry I couldn't be of more assistance, good-job though! Keep writing-DaRiEN

First, let me congratulate you on managing to keep the rhyming and rhythm so tidy. As Shadow points out, there are a couple of places where you've gone off a little, but overall this is well done for a 'first' poem.

A few things I had issues with:

A time’s embrace holds strong and true.

I walk with you through memories,
Piano’s drone, a deafening sound.
Swimming endlessly through open seas,
Once was lost, now was found.

If hope is demeaning then love is a hoax,
If faith is deceiving then peace is a lie.
The heart is unbinding with it’s soft coax,
It’s gentle beating, just waiting to die.

And I would certainly continue this endless rhyme.

removed