**Alright so this is my first poem... ever... Okay well technically my first poem posted on here and the first poem I actually have some liking towards. My entry for a contest. Also this is sort of relevant to my fourth novel 'The Dreamwalker'.
To Walk Into Death
Close your eyes, still your breath,
The nights swift call beseeches you.
A rhythmic dream draws you to death,
A time’s embrace holds strong and true.
I walk with you through memories,
Piano’s drone, a deafening sound.
Swimming endlessly through open seas,
Once was lost, now was found.
If hope is demeaning then love is a hoax,
If faith is deceiving then peace is a lie.
The heart is unbinding with it’s soft coax,
It’s gentle beating, just waiting to die.
Don’t smile so tenderly, a face unashamed,
Your laughter innocent as a bells distant chime.
I always knew you could never be tamed,
And I would certainly continue this endless rhyme.
I wish I could hold you through time gone past,
That this listless song is my heart’s last murmur.
I wish that time would not take you so fast,
For now I sit alone, the lowly Dreamwalker.
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Overall, I really like this!
There were a few spots where I stumbled, so I just made some flow suggestions.
But, otherwise, nicely done ^.^
Also, I was wondering if you chose to capitalize every line on purpose? I used to do that, just because I thought it was necessary, but I learned from posting poetry on here, that it's actually a choice - so now I often choose to leave lines uncapitalized, especially when I'm creating something of a story - I think this poem fits into that. So you might consider doing something like this:
Just a matter of what you're thinking stylistically ^.^
(I do think it could add to the impact of your poem though - especially in the 3rd stanza)
Wow this is really good I love it. Keep up the good work. This truly spoke to me!!!
Wow, I love your poem! My favorite stanza is the third, but I also like the rest of the poem. But a few nit-picks I found...but I they were ones that your other reviewers pointed out. I wa really into the poem, then I read "Once was lost, now is found". <----I wanted to start singin amazing grace, lol. I think all writers accidentally do this, it's inevitable especially being your first poem. I also agree with shadow, the word "certainly" just makes the line longer and more awkward.sorry I couldn't be of more assistance, good-job though! Keep writing-DaRiEN
First, let me congratulate you on managing to keep the rhyming and rhythm so tidy. As Shadow points out, there are a couple of places where you've gone off a little, but overall this is well done for a 'first' poem.
A few things I had issues with:
This seems a confusing way of saying things. I think I know what you're trying to say, but any way you could clarify it a bit? It would really help smooth out the flow of the poem, IMHO.
Watch your punctuation here. Also, "once was lost..." etc. is some major cliche. I suggest you find something more original here.
I'm not sure that "soft coax" really works here, and the switch in topic seems really abrupt. Perhaps inserting another verse could lessen the suddenness of it?
Meh, I'd change this line if I were you. It makes it seem like you couldn't think of anything else to say, which is not a good look.
Overall, it needs some tidying up and a few edits here and there, but it's an excellent 'first' attempt
Cheers,
~bubbles
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