whisper whisper
the sound that curls away from lips
and singes songs with heated breath
let go
the way the words clung to morning air
stark and rigid as they were. and i
loved the cool stamp of dew on your skin
even as it slipped away
i heard you once, in dreaming
in scheming for the world is full of plot-lines
setting structures left half-open
pages torn where our song carried
and ended
and carried again a few flips later
did we plan for such abruptness when we
sang of such desire
or is the sound still ringing smooth
in ink blots and crumpled sheets
i’ll write you a song
and this time i’ll mean ever word
how many times have we let
the morning come and go and come and go
left the books half opened
and your lips soft but untouched
i would kiss you if I knew the words
if this ballad had any substance other than
what one could find in a passionate ignorance
or in the sweet reluctance for a bitter touch
i’d tell you of all the buds of lust
that blossomed in the pit of my stomach
or in the tight coil of words twirling
and swirling dancers in my head
i would, but songs end
and fleeting things are ones i treasure most
I like the poem, but you need capitalization. At least a little bit. You missed things like I's, which should always be capitalized. That's just the simple capitalization -- you should add capitalization in the start of different...setences, if you will
Dream, hey. Scarlett here to review your poetry this morning! <3
First off, while reading, I noticed this;
I'm not sure if this is meant to be sings or singes, but I thought I might point it out, since "songs" comes right after it. You want want to remember to proof read things first, before hitting that submit button. XD If I'm wrong here, just ignore this. If not, read it! Also, I notice "ever". Is this meant to be "every"? Just though I'd point this out. Also, you're i's should be capitalized, unless, of course, you meant them not to be. If that's the case, ignore this.
Now, onto the real review! Oh, my. Dream, Dream, Dream. you've done a wonderful job with this! And I love it. Love, love, love it. I like you're imagery, your flow. It's so smooth, so beautiful. I love how you describe this, with the reference to song and unrequinted love (or at least, that's what I'm getting from reading this). It's a lovely image. I really do love all these references to song and ballad, love and lust, kisses and being untouched. It's surprisingly dream-like, and I like it. And then the way you end it;
Such a perfect, bittersweet ending for this. How it's the thing you treasure most, yet it's so fleeting. Dream, you keep writing this amazing poetry, and I think I'm in love with it!
Overall, I really, really love the imagery I'm getting from reading this. It's lovely, and I like what you've down with it! So, you have a wonderfully beautiful, very interesting poem here. And I just have to say thank you for the beautiful work! I definitely like it, and I am most definitely going to click like!
Remember, Dream; Keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar
I loved this poem very much; it flowed well and sounded great. All the emotions that carried throughout the poem was wonderful and consistent, it made sense and didn't jump all over the place like some poems tend to do. The only thing I would say about this is:
"what one could find in a passionate ignorance"
I would have written it "find in passionate ignorance the "a" makes it sound a little off.
Also, I think you should try adding some punctuation, so it flows better and doesn't read like a run one sentence.
But whether or not you do that, is up to you but it was a great poem either way. I loved it.