A/N: Another attempt at poetry? I think so!
~Weathered
She says the world's a scary place--
Of candid horrors; shockingly grotesque.
A pretty theory though dilapidated,
As if wholly rendered by not ones love,
But the vivid nimbus, cussing bolts,
Whilst the voice of thunder booms,
Hatred unlike any; thick as sleet.
She says theres no room left.
Not that there was much in the first place.
With so much rain, an overshadowing veil,
One cannot pass through endless fog.
A screen filtered by dim rage,
Too cruel to be justified,
By any means of weather.
I wanted to tell her that she was wrong.
Sordid words filled my lips,
Plump with all the hate once spewed.
In a world where love is hazed,
I should have spoken of what is good.
The sweet simplicity of white-tipped waves,
Or the steady drum of one’s own heart.
But when one bores this storm-beaten skin,
The ridiculous obsession with believing,
In the fresh clinging of dew in a fragrant spring,
Becomes as hopeless as the lie worth concealing.
Charming but impractical; naivety.
Though to see her smile, well,
The swift crimson sunrise could not compare.
Idealistic but improbable.
That sunrise barely worth believing in.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,314 Literary Works • 672,529 Reviews
Heeii, Demoness here to inflict her opinion on this piece!
This was fairly enjoyable... more than so, it was quite amazing. The rythm and flow was a bit off at places but it didn't disturb my overall impression of this piece which I thought held great descriptions and imagery! Someone mentioned metaphores and that made me have to read it again and well.. NICE WORK!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
This was good. Like the metaphors in this. Sounds like a poem about a lost love.
Hi there!
Alright so you've got some nice images and word choices here but I think you need to work a little more on those nuances of poetry which build the atmosphere. Your flow's a little weak and all the rhymes at the end are too much after the lack of them throughout the rest of the poem and they don't fit your rhythm. I'm going to give you some comments on a line by line and then try to explain more at the end:
She says the world's a scary place--
Of candid horrors; shockingly grotesque.
A pretty theory though dilapidated,
As if wholly rendered by not one's love, [This is the first line that really threw me. Until here you're good, though you might want to consider dropping all the capitalisation. That has more of a place in structured poetry such as sonnets, not in modern free verse. Now then. What I think you should do here is switch it to 'not by one's love' and then add a 'by' in the next line, after but. That would make it flow a little better.]
But the vivid nimbus, cussing bolts, [Very pretty words here but the image is so vague. What is this vivid nimbus? And what does it have to do with cussing bolts? There's not enough substance to the line and when you break it down, you're talking about a vivd light/ halo and blots that are being either opened or closed since they're making noise. I just can't catch your meaning.]
Whilst the voice of thunder booms,
Hatred unlike any; thick as sleet. [Not sure that I like this last line.]
Next stanza is okay, though it's a little mild and uneventful. Remember that in poetry every word has to count and every line has to add something and every stanza has to advance the poem.
I wanted to tell her that she was wrong.
Sordid words filled my lips,
Plump with all the hate once spewed.
In a world where love is hazed,
I should have spoken of what is good.
The sweet simplicity of white-tipped waves,
Or the steady drum of one’s own heart. [This stanza keeps rolling back on itself. The second line under-cuts the first too suddenly without any smooth transaction from the intention the reality. I think you'd be better with moving lines four to seven up and then you can have 'But sordid words...' which would flow more naturally. If you did this, I would then suggest starting the next stanza with And.]
As I said already, the rhyming in the next stanza is too much but other than that I like it and the last two lines of the poem are great.
Alright then, back to what I was saying earlier. I'd like to see some more literary techniques here like purposeful enjambement, alliteration, onomatopeia. That last one especially since this is a poem about weather and you could make so much use of the change in the sounnds of the words. They could be soft, calm and lilting during the 'I should have spoken of what is good' part and then heavy and crashing for the next. It's things like that which build the tone and atmosphere of the piece and currently yours is a little flat and steady.
Well I won't over do it but if you've got any questions, feel free to send me a pm and I hope this helps a little,
Heather xxx
I really enjoyed your poem, although the spellings a bit off, its great.
Hello there! I'm going to start out by saying I really enjoyed your poem. I'm not good with nit picky stuff, so I'm just going to stick to things I know.
Your word choice was excellent, and it made me think of waves and how you were relating them to your poem. It just stuck out in a positive way when I was reading it. I also like the overall message you were trying to convey to the reader, and by my standards you did that very well.First of all, I just would like to say how much I loved this line of your poem.
At some points, your word choice also made the flow struggle a bit, but it was a good struggle. It showed a pretty wide vocabulary, but also made it bit hard to read, especially when I was reading it inside my head. What can I say though, I loved it.
I'm not sure if this helped you at all. But, I did like it a lot, and judging you by this poem you're a great writer. This made me want to read more of your work. (:
Pretty good, but some typos.
What? There's nothing seperating this from the last line, so I couldn't tell that you'd started a new thought at first. Try some punctuation, at least.
Interesting wording, here. Cussing bolts? I think I might like it....
I understand the last line is describing "the ridiculous obsession with believing" (and I think it should be "this") but that was hard for me to grasp because of the "fresh clinging dew" line.
The first line should either have a comma or a hyphen, in my opinion.
Overall, this was pretty good. It just needs a bit of polishing.