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This is the last time

by Dossereana


You started me over

I don’t feel like you want me

You’re fighting again,

And we made up our minds

This is the last time,

Its now over

You need to go.

This is the last time

I’m not going to take it back

You have to go,

Or somebody else will leave.

Your hurting every single one of us

You won’t even give us a chance to speak,

But this time I will shout at the top of my voice

That this is the last time

Its over now you cannot change the past

You cannot even change the future.

My heart will for ever be broken

For what you did over the years,

I don’t even think you remember,

What you did to me

So now we made up our minds

And we will say

This is the last time,

its over,

You said you’d change

But I don’t think you got what that really meant

You seem to have changed on the outside

But your still the same person on the inside,

You still fighting like you always do,

So now all that left to say is

This is the last time


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Sat Sep 14, 2019 5:01 pm
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SuperOriginalName wrote a review...



Dear Dossereana,

This is a extremely good poem! If this is what you are going through right now, then I hope you get through it all. Anyway, I hope you know what I'm here for. A review! So, let us get started.

The second-to-last sentence was... confusing at first. Don't worry, everyone makes mistakes like this. Actually, not to long before I started to write this review, I was reading a draft of a poem I made really late at night, and there were plenty of mistakes like this. Sometimes, we know exactly what we want other people to read next, we forget to actually read it!

The line is "So now all that left to say is" Do you see it? The word "that" should either be "that is" or "that's." When I was typing this, I also noticed two other things. After "So" there should be a comma. Another thing I noticed is that there should be a semicolon after "is." In total, the sentence would be: "So, all that's left to say is;"

Something else similar to this is the third-to-last line, "You still fighting like you always do" Instead of this, you could say something like, "You're still fighting like you have"

In the previous sentence, "You're still fighting like you always have" You would use the same "you're" as in the sentence, "But your still the same person on the inside," if you used the correct your/you're. I am sorry, I sound like the Grammer Police! But, if you don't know already, your is for if you're talking about the person you're talking to's possession. For example, "Tom, does YOUR cat purr?" The other you're is a simpler way of saying "you are." For example, "YOU'RE going to the baseball game tonight, right?"

There are other things, that are a similar situation as the last few lines, but I trust you to point them out yourself. Criticizing yourself is a good thing. Just don't take it too far. I am sorry if this made you feel bad about yourself, because I didn't mean to. Honestly, overall this is a great poem, but everyone can improve. Some of the things that I talked about in this review I sometimes do myself. So don't worry, and keep writing!!!

-SuperOriginalName




Dossereana says...


Thanks for the great review, I will keep everything in mind, This was just a poem I wrote view months back, everything is fine now.
Again thanks for the review. :D





I am glad :)



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Tue Sep 10, 2019 6:08 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello Doss I'm here to do a review for you on this lovely day and to help you polish up your work to make it better.

Okay let's begin.

First off I really like this poem, it is stacked with deep emotion that I am very familiar with, so I understand the pain you feel and the frustration. It's very deep so there is nothing to fix with that, you have got the emotions nailed that's for sure.
I also think the feelings and the thing you are trying to tell us through this poem is consistent all the way through, which is always good.

Now I would like to talk about one or two things I saw and would like to point out.

Here is the first one.

So now all that left to say is

Now as you no the word in bold is what I would like to talk about. So this sentence feels a bit off, it didn't take me long to find out why though. So I read over this sentence again but a bit slower and I saw you are missing a word. So there is to options, either you as an is after the that in bold, are you change your that in to that's. Then your sentence will flow better. I will show you will two more examples down bellow.

Example 1:
So now all that is left to say is


Example 2:
So now all that's left to say is


Either one of these will work better.

Right onto the next thing.

So this is up to you to do but I think it will help with the flow of your poem a bit. So as I was reading I would find myself stopping at places to think about what you had written, so I was thinking maybe you should put parted of your poem into paragraphs, so when your reader gets to the next paragraph, they will stop and think about what why have just read becoming more apart of your poem. What I do is normally where I put punctuation is were a split the poem. But this decision up to you.

One more thing I just want to bring up before I forget, is you must be careful to not repeat the same words to much in one poem, because it then sounds repetitive, and try to keep your sentences the same length, by doing that your flow will stay the same and it will allow a better read.

Well that's it from me for now, I really loved getting a change to review another one of your poems, it's been a while but it's was still a lot fun, and your writing is still as good as ever. I hope you will keep writing and post again on YWS soon, have a great day.

Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion!!

Image




Dossereana says...


Thanks for the great review it was very helpful, this was wrote sometime ago when are parants were having problems and things but i thought I should post it. I think you no that though

Any ways thanks again for the review. :D





Your welcome! ;)



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Tue Sep 10, 2019 4:45 am
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Querencia wrote a review...



Hi Dosserena!

I hope you're doing well this fine day. :)

I think that the language you use is really strong--I can tell that there's a lot of emotion behind this, and resistance. However, as mellifera already mentioned, sometimes the punctuation doesn't quite work out! If you use it purposefully, I think you can really make a point.

"This is the last time." The period gives it a feeling of being firm.
"This is the last time!" The exclamation mark gives this more of an angry or emotional feeling.
"This is the last time--" I think this could give a feeling of shortness and impatience.

Obviously you could experiment with different punctuation, and on different lines and stanzas than just this one, but I just wanted to show you how it might make a difference! Feel free to try different styles out. :)

Another thing that I wanted to point out is that you have several different players here: "You need to go", "I'm not going to take it back", "We made up our minds", and "Or somebody else will leave". First of all, this can be a little confusing. Me and you is pretty straightforward--I think the "we" could make sense too, but again, I think you want to use it more purposefully.

Depending on how you want the tone to change throughout the poem, I think you could either start by saying "I" a lot and progressing to "we" in the second half. I think that would imply one person standing up and then joined by others all forming a resistance and refusing to stand for this. Or, you could do the reverse and start by using "we" and going to "I"--to me, this would create the effect of a group resistance, but ultimately we would see the personal impact of one individual. It also might help to develop the we a little bit--"We, your family", "We, your friends", "We, everyone you ever betrayed" (that's a little dramatic, but you get the point. :))

One last thing--I'm curious as to what is over, and what will be the last time. I love how clear the narrator is about their feelings towards this person, but I would also like to see a little hint of what the conflict might have been over. Just one or two key words of description might give readers a hint into what has been happening without going into detail! So you can keep the strong and stalwart poem you've already built. :)

I do really enjoy the emotion behind this! I can feel the power in the repetition of "This is the last time" and how the narrator is not letting any feelings of sympathy or regret taint their mind. Really nice job with this!

Take care,
-Q




Dossereana says...


Hey There, thanks for the great review, this was a poem I did some time ago when my dad and mom were kind of all most splitting up, so it was when I was angry and not think about how I wrote it.
Again thanks for the review it was very helpful to me. :D



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Tue Sep 10, 2019 2:51 am
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey Doss! I'm going to be stopping by for a review today!

I'm not that experienced with poetry or poetry reviewing, so feel free to take anything I say with a grain of salt.


I'm on the like "You need to go." and the punctuation feels very random and misplaced? Maybe this is just me as a prose writer/reviewer, but you have a lot of sentences that you seem to have "stops" at the end of, but this is the first one that has a period? Of course, it's totally subjective, and again, prose reviewer speaking.


Its now over


Should be "it's" (if "it is" fits into the sentence, then it should be "it's" :) )

Your hurting every single one of us


Should be "you're" (using the same logic as before, if you can fit "you are" into the sentence, it should be "you're"!)

Its over now you cannot change the past


"It's", and I think this may read better if it were on separate lines? Like:

"It's over now
And you can't change the past"

But ultimately, that's up to you.

You cannot even change the future.


This doesn't make all that much sense? Our actions are... kind of the point of the future? What we choose affects the future? And also, in the general tone of this poem, it doesn't feel as final as other lines do. I'm reading this as people, a family in my view but maybe they're friends, who are telling someone who is harming them in their lives that enough is enough and this can't keep up, so all the "you have to go or somebody else will" and "this is the last time" are all fantastic lines, and they have an incredible impact in your poem, but this one feels like it doesn't belong in my opinion.

My heart will for ever be broken


Should be one word! "Forever"

You said you’d change

But I don’t think you got what that really meant


Instead of "But I don't think you got what that really meant", perhaps "But I don't think you ever meant that", because that has a heavier tone. Instead of a person saying "I'm going to change" but not understanding what that means (which you could still do! But I might reword it then?), maybe a person who says "I'm going to change" but then actively (or inactively) doesn't work to change ends up going in a circle. It's painful for everyone around them (and also has a little more of an antagonistic note? But that's up to you)

You seem to have changed on the outside


Personally, I would have written "You may have changed on the outside", because it flows better.

But your still the same person on the inside,


"You're"

You still fighting like you always do,


This should either be "You're still fighting like you always do" or "You still fight like you always do".


Again, this is a personal thing, but I think I would have added "Goodbye" at the end? "This is the last time" has been a recurring theme in the poem (which isn't a bad thing! I really liked it!), and it doesn't sound like a final line. Maybe you meant to leave it sounding unfinished though, I'm not you.


Overall, fantastic poem! You really nailed to emotion and the pain behind this story, and I enjoyed it immensely. There isn't much flowery language or anything, and I think this works incredibly well for this poem. It's the impact of the poem that works better than trying to create vivid imagery, I think, and you convey it beautifully with what you've got.


Thank you for sharing this! If you have any comments or questions about anything I said, please let me know! Again, fantastic work :D

I hope you have a wonderful day, and Happy RevMo!

Image




Dossereana says...


Thanks for the great review I will, definitely take all of it into account. also I wrote this some months back, it was when I was mad at my dad. but things are okay now.
I was just explaining things, but anyways, again thanks for the review. :D




cron
I will call them my people, which were not my people; and her beloved, which was not beloved.
— Romans 9:25