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My Final Goodbye

by Dossereana

Authors Note: just letting you know that I did try to format this but it wouldn't save, so sorry everything hasn't really been split into sections like I wanted

Why is it so hard to explain why I don't want you near me

or to even touch me

you don't understand the meaning of boundaries

the trust I have for you is like a shattered mirror

that will never be fixed

and as I try to mend my broken heart just enough to think clearly

you come with your broken peace's of glass and you try to break me down again

you have ripped me apart and left blood stained words

I was young when I loved you still

and foolish to believe your lies

but I am not young and naive anymore

you can know longer control me

and you do not own me like a trophy

my heart has told me to run from you

and all I do is continue to answer its needs

You are not a safe place for me

and you never where

and you never will be

You have forced me to except

that you will not take responsibility for the things that you have done

I used to wish for this

but have been taught to let this hope go

there is know going back from this

I am done letting you spin my head into circles

as I try to open my heart and tell you why I know longer trust you

it is time for us to say goodbye to one another

in the hopes that I will never be hurt by you again

for this is the last time that I will ever see or talk to you.

Is this a review?



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157 Reviews

Points: 538
Reviews: 157

Sat Sep 23, 2023 3:38 am
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AyumiGosu17 wrote a review...

3- Things to Improve
I noticed while I was reading your poem that there are some misused words. It's pretty common, and it's a really easy fix.

you come with your broken peace's of glass

Peace - a sense of safety and quiet
Pieces - smaller parts of a whole

and you never where / and you never will be

where - a place
were - past tense of "are"

There's also "except" (to leave out) vs. "accept" (to agree or receive), and "know" (to understand) vs. "no" (to refuse). When in doubt, double check with a dictionary app or thesaurus, and maybe review commonly misused words.

The other thing that could be included here is some more punctuation in between the thoughts that you've presented in this poem. Right now, with no commas or end marks or even dashes (like a personalized Emily Dickinson approach), the thoughts flow straight into each other. If you were to set this up like a paragraph, you would have multiple run-on sentences back to back. There's nothing wrong with adding something at the end of a single thought, even if that thought takes up 2-3 lines in the poem, just to help the reader break down the ideas more accurately. I had to go back and reread a couple of sections because the ideas flowed and overlapped a little.

2- Things I Liked
I LOVE the amount of emotional context that you've added into this. Your use of connotations and emotionally charged language is really well done. I have no doubt that you'll create some really powerful verses in the future. I look forward to reading more.

1- Thing I'm Curious About
With your style of writing, I'm actually a little curious what you read or listen to on the radio. We tend to imitate people that we admire, especially favorite writers and singers. Whoever it is, this is a really neat style you're developing. Good job!

Dossereana says...

Hi thanks so much for the review it is very much appreciated, I must say I don't really know where I got my writing style from, it might just be that I've taken some reviews and put the advice into my writing. :)
again really happy to read the review thanks for pointing out all the gramma errors gramma is my worst enemy!

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1218 Reviews

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Reviews: 1218

Fri Sep 15, 2023 7:04 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...

Hey Doss, good to see your poetry around here again, always enjoy reading your writing!

This came across as very heart-felt and genuine to me, there were a lot of difficult emotions expressed throughout the poem; this was my interpretation of them -

I think the poem is about a speaker who is wanting to establish through poetry / communication a boundary with someone who hasn't been good at keeping boundaries! They go through the list of the many reasons they were hurt by the subject, the many ways they were let down, and ultimately how they wish to distance themself from the subject. The subject ignored the speaker's boundaries so now they are enforcing those boundaries for themselves! Although it is sad to hear the many ways the speaker was hurt by the other person, I think there is a lot of strength coming across in the narrative of how they are now owning their feelings and decision.

If this piece was inspired by personal experiences, I am hoping that you are able to gain strength in protecting your well-being! No one should have a right to lie to you, ignore your boundaries, or repeatedly hurt you in these ways - even if they are "close" to you, it is no excuse. <3

I think the part about how the speaker has gained insight in their life experience from when they were a child to now is very insightful because a lot of us don't really understand boundaries very well as children, and then realize when we're older that we can protect them. So I liked that growth expressed!

I also liked the way that you incorporated some repetition throughout in a few of your phrases to make this feel almost like a list with growing impact and drama as you reached the conclusion of the piece.

One suggestion - I loved the metaphors you used of a 'safe place' and broken glass and I think you could delve into these even more.

The line breaks were a little uneven here and there, but overall I think the formatting didn't distract from the meaning of the piece.

One trick to getting your line breaks to stay is to click "enter" twice or while holding "shift" - sometimes that helps!

Overall I am glad to see you writing and hope to read more of your poetry soon! Take care, keep writing!



Dossereana says...

Thanks so much for the review I always love you reviews on my poetry there always helpful.
I must say this is sort of a poem about how a feel towards my dad and it was also the first thing I've written in awhile after I got writers block.

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537 Reviews

Points: 30168
Reviews: 537

Fri Sep 15, 2023 3:55 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...

Heyaaa! It's pretty unusual to see poetry in the green room for long, so thought I'd snap this up. You've picked a great topic, so let's dive in.

I see a lot of poetic elements that you're starting to use... we've got a little repetition, and a nice simile that goes on for a couple of lines until it extends into metaphor. I think the poem has a really clear beginning, middle, and end, which provides you with a strong framework that you can build from as you work on this and make edits.

So, here's where you could go from here: like LuminescentAnt already said, it'd be great to see more figurative language. I think you can dig a lot deeper into the shattered mirror section, or at least use some stronger/more active language. For example, "blood-stained wounds" is fine; it gets the job done. But you might get more mileage out of "gashes," which carries a little more impact. Likewise in the actions the ex takes in that line and the one preceding, you can rearrange things and try new verbs to get rid of the 'have and 'try' and 'come,' which do not carry the impact and connotation that I think would really strengthen this section.

On repetition:

There is a very clear 'I' and 'You' in this poem, which I think you are nor taking full advantage of. While in prose I would try to limit starting so many sentences the same way, in this poem in particular you have some really excellent opportunities to highlight the difference between the two sides, the impact of the ex, and the very idea of separation, of drawing your boundaries, by using some repeated "you did this" "I did this" language. I think it would be a relatively low lift to rearrange a few things so that you can have more repetition.

Anyway, great work! I think you have a really strong starting point and that you can turn this into a really solid poem overall.

Hope this helps,

Dossereana says...

Thanks so much for the review it is very helpful and I will differently take it all in, I must say this wasn't one of my best poems for I did this to try to get rid of writers block.

Ventomology says...

Honestly mood

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92 Reviews

Points: 11353
Reviews: 92

Tue Sep 12, 2023 1:11 pm
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LuminescentAnt wrote a review...

Hi! I'm here to review this poem using the YWS S'more Method today!

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This was a really sad and also meaningful poem. From how I see it, it is about someone who really wants space from someone else, but they are not giving them that, so they cannot trust them. Then they describe how the person has hurt them, and in the end, they decide to leave them behind, and say a final goodbye, hence the title.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I really love all the emotions in this poem, but I think it could use a little more figurative language. Right now, the narrator is mostly telling the person how they feel, but what exactly does it feel like? I think if you added some metaphors/similies, it might make the poem have more depth, if that makes sense. But! This is just a suggestion, and just how I feel about this poem.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
This is a really sad poem, and the emotion of what the character is saying is really well written. The feelings are elaborate, and we can feel what the person's struggles are, and how much this has effected them. I truly felt sad for the narrator, and I understand how they feel.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, this poem truly captures the narrator's feelings about how their heart has been broken by this person, and that they are leaving them behind. Sorry if this was a short review, I hope it was helpful! I hope to read more of your poems in the future!
Happy Writing!
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Dossereana says...

Thanks so much for the review, I definitely know that this wasn't one of my best poems, but it was the first time I have written since I've had writers block, also I was getting some of my emotions out about someone in my family.
again thanks for the review it is very much appreciated!

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