Young Writers Society

3- Things to Improve
I noticed while I was reading your poem that there are some misused words. It's pretty common, and it's a really easy fix.

you come with your broken peace's of glass

and you never where / and you never will be

Hey Doss, good to see your poetry around here again, always enjoy reading your writing!

This came across as very heart-felt and genuine to me, there were a lot of difficult emotions expressed throughout the poem; this was my interpretation of them -

I think the poem is about a speaker who is wanting to establish through poetry / communication a boundary with someone who hasn't been good at keeping boundaries! They go through the list of the many reasons they were hurt by the subject, the many ways they were let down, and ultimately how they wish to distance themself from the subject. The subject ignored the speaker's boundaries so now they are enforcing those boundaries for themselves! Although it is sad to hear the many ways the speaker was hurt by the other person, I think there is a lot of strength coming across in the narrative of how they are now owning their feelings and decision.

If this piece was inspired by personal experiences, I am hoping that you are able to gain strength in protecting your well-being! No one should have a right to lie to you, ignore your boundaries, or repeatedly hurt you in these ways - even if they are "close" to you, it is no excuse. <3

I think the part about how the speaker has gained insight in their life experience from when they were a child to now is very insightful because a lot of us don't really understand boundaries very well as children, and then realize when we're older that we can protect them. So I liked that growth expressed!

I also liked the way that you incorporated some repetition throughout in a few of your phrases to make this feel almost like a list with growing impact and drama as you reached the conclusion of the piece.

One suggestion - I loved the metaphors you used of a 'safe place' and broken glass and I think you could delve into these even more.

The line breaks were a little uneven here and there, but overall I think the formatting didn't distract from the meaning of the piece.

One trick to getting your line breaks to stay is to click "enter" twice or while holding "shift" - sometimes that helps!

Overall I am glad to see you writing and hope to read more of your poetry soon! Take care, keep writing!


alliyah

Heyaaa! It's pretty unusual to see poetry in the green room for long, so thought I'd snap this up. You've picked a great topic, so let's dive in.

I see a lot of poetic elements that you're starting to use... we've got a little repetition, and a nice simile that goes on for a couple of lines until it extends into metaphor. I think the poem has a really clear beginning, middle, and end, which provides you with a strong framework that you can build from as you work on this and make edits.

So, here's where you could go from here: like LuminescentAnt already said, it'd be great to see more figurative language. I think you can dig a lot deeper into the shattered mirror section, or at least use some stronger/more active language. For example, "blood-stained wounds" is fine; it gets the job done. But you might get more mileage out of "gashes," which carries a little more impact. Likewise in the actions the ex takes in that line and the one preceding, you can rearrange things and try new verbs to get rid of the 'have and 'try' and 'come,' which do not carry the impact and connotation that I think would really strengthen this section.

On repetition:

There is a very clear 'I' and 'You' in this poem, which I think you are nor taking full advantage of. While in prose I would try to limit starting so many sentences the same way, in this poem in particular you have some really excellent opportunities to highlight the difference between the two sides, the impact of the ex, and the very idea of separation, of drawing your boundaries, by using some repeated "you did this" "I did this" language. I think it would be a relatively low lift to rearrange a few things so that you can have more repetition.

Anyway, great work! I think you have a really strong starting point and that you can turn this into a really solid poem overall.

Hope this helps,
-Vento

Hi! I'm here to review this poem using the YWS S'more Method today!

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This was a really sad and also meaningful poem. From how I see it, it is about someone who really wants space from someone else, but they are not giving them that, so they cannot trust them. Then they describe how the person has hurt them, and in the end, they decide to leave them behind, and say a final goodbye, hence the title.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I really love all the emotions in this poem, but I think it could use a little more figurative language. Right now, the narrator is mostly telling the person how they feel, but what exactly does it feel like? I think if you added some metaphors/similies, it might make the poem have more depth, if that makes sense. But! This is just a suggestion, and just how I feel about this poem.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
This is a really sad poem, and the emotion of what the character is saying is really well written. The feelings are elaborate, and we can feel what the person's struggles are, and how much this has effected them. I truly felt sad for the narrator, and I understand how they feel.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, this poem truly captures the narrator's feelings about how their heart has been broken by this person, and that they are leaving them behind. Sorry if this was a short review, I hope it was helpful! I hope to read more of your poems in the future!
Happy Writing!

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