A Night To Remember
Distant memories
of our hearts beating as one
your hands touching mine
and my dress blowing in the wind,
our souls becoming linked with each other
and my mind flowing with yours
as we sing the same song in our heads
the shadows of others fading away as we dance
Your perfect rhythm guiding me
like a gentle breeze lifting a bird into the sky,
and with each step we take
our eyes getting closer to one another’s
filling our hearts with a strange passion
that neither you nor I can control,
and as the sun sets on the horizon we dance to it’s melody
and like a candle flickering in the wind
it lights up only one place around it
as everything else fades to black
and then there is only us,
twirling together our feet barley feeling the ground bellow us
all other thought’s fleeing our minds
as we move with the setting sun
fading with it’s shadow
and disappearing into the darkness
that it has now created
leaving only a memory to remind us of this moment.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hey Dossie!! I noticed this had been in the Green Room for a while, so I’m here to get it out of there for you--sponsored by our Review Day!
First of all, let me say that this is such a beautiful piece! I’ve read some of your other work, and this is truly a step up. The description and just overall vibe of the poem is so peaceful, and it makes me feel like I’m there with the narrator! I love your descriptions of the dress flowing and the eyes getting closer, it adds an air of mystery to the love. Like it’s something you can’t quite catch.
There are just a few nitpicky things--like using “it’s” instead of “its”, and little spelling errors. I’d recommend you just run your poems through a grammar checker before you post--I’m always a little surprised just how much the spell-checker will catch. It does also seem a bit like one big, long sentence, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing--but it does come off like the narrator is trying to say everything at once. Perhaps you could linger a bit longer, separate it into different sentences or even different stanzas without any periods.
It’d also be great for the narrator to observe the person they’re with as well--just to add that final layer of depth to it.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this!! Keep writing :)
<3, chem
Thanks for the in-depth review chem, it was really helpful, I'll keep it all in mind!
Hey Doss! I'm here to leave a short review using the YWS S'more Method!
Also, this is super nitpicky but you had some parts where you used the wrong "it's". If you don't know this already, "it's" is for when you mean "it is" and "its" is for when it is used as possessive. Another super nitpicky thing is that in this line: I think you mean to spell it as "barely" and "below". Again, super nitpicky and small, don't worry about it.Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
From what I can see, this is a lyrical poem about two people dancing, maybe in love, and the poem describes the kinds of emotions that were felt. The general themes I could see were light and darkness, as you used a lot of metaphor relating to a candle or the sun or a shadow, maybe written that way to describe how the moment was temporary and quickly faded into darkness and memory.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
One thing I noticed was that the poem seemed like a continuous, long sentence. I am not sure if it was intended, but I did see that there was some uneven punctuation and capitalization. I think you can probably make the punction more consistent, add some periods and commas where they are needed or remove them if you are going for a punctuationless (is that a word?) poem, and also have the capitalization match that. That might break up the poem and have it flow better. There were also some lines that seem to be in need of a comma or aline break in between, like
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I think the way you described feeling in this piece was really vivid, I liked how it was really lyrical and established a true connect and feeling between the two people. You did really well in describing all the senses, hearing, touch, sight, and it made the reader feel like we really were there with you. All the imagery was really immersive and had so much feeling and felt very elegant, like a dance, so it fit the poem really well. I also loved how you incorporated light and darkness into the poem, like how when you were dancing, you felt like light while everything else around was like darkness. Lastly, the ending was a great way to wrap up the poem, talking about how the memory turned into darkness, and related it to the setting sun, like something temporary but beautiful.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
I really enjoyed reading this poem, it was very vivid and it was like painting a picture of a scene. Thanks for telling me about your poem! Keep writing, I hope I can read more in the future!
-Ant
Thanks for the review!
<33
This poem is so, so beautiful!! Really good job!!
Thank you so much!