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What Love Can Do

by Dossereana

Authors Note: This is an old poem so it might note be that good

Love, can be the most sweatiest thing,

It brings people closer to gather,

You can get comfort from one another,

Love is like a beautiful instrument,

that flows in you heart for ever.

But love is not all ways that simple.

Love can tier many hearts and souls,

Till there broken,

Till it is no more

But you must stand strong

You must stay tall,

You must not break to the floor

Don’t let anyone break,

that beautiful heart of yours.

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121 Reviews

Points: 21970
Reviews: 121

Sun Apr 25, 2021 7:07 pm
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stygianmoon17 wrote a review...

Hi there, stygianmoon17 here for a review :D

Usually people say that a work is "old" so that people aren't too judgmental about it, since the author believes it's not very good. I thought it was great !

Although this is a poem about love, which, let's be honest here, is something that poets have written countless poems about. But this poem stands out from the rest, and managed to captivate both my attention in the first few lines, hold it until the end, and touch me deeply. Which is something I believe everyone who's read this poem has felt.

However, I saw a few things you could polish to perfect this poem a bit more, such as:

Love, can be the most sweatiest thing,

"Sweatiest" is like "best". It already means that it's the maximum that a thing can be. So there's no need to add "most". It would be like saying "the most best" or "the most perfect".

Love is like a beautiful instrument,

that flows in you heart for ever.

Such a beautiful line. It really conveys what love feels like. I have nothing to say about it, just wanted to point out this great segment <3

But love is not all ways that simple.

I think this is a typo, but "all ways" should be "always"

Love can tier many hearts and souls,

"Love can tear"

Till there broken,

"There" is used when talking about an object being in some place, like "the ball is there"
However, here it should be "they're", which is short for "they are"

And I've got nothing to say for the last few lines.

Truly, thanks for this wonderful read <33

Dossereana says...

Thanks so much for the kind words. <33
Yeah even now I struggle with my grammar, thanks for pointing it all out. :)
Thanks for the review I will differently keep it all in mind. I'm glad you liked the poem.

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264 Reviews

Points: 26458
Reviews: 264

Mon Apr 19, 2021 6:19 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...

Hi Dossereana,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Even if a poem is titled "old", I wouldn't exactly describe it as bad or not so good. Otherwise, you wouldn't read stuff from three hundred years ago or much older today :D

What I liked best about the poem is not only that you tried to make it rhyme, but also with the simplicity, you describe love and its effect. There are so many poems that deal with the subject of love and don't reach the goal that the writers actually wanted to achieve. But you manage to touch my heart (and I assume the hearts of others) with this simplicity.

Love is like a beautiful instrument,
that flows in you heart for ever.

I was particularly taken with these lines and I think they are also a kind of climax in your poem. I think everyone, even those who have never felt love, can understand that music is like love. It is magical, incomprehensible and sometimes sad.

I think your poem can best be pictured as two mountains, where you climb the first one (and arrive at the lines quoted above) and then it goes downhill, as you also question the risk of love, and yet your ending is a new mountain to climb. I hope that is understandable. That's how it felt to me. :D

But you must stand strong
You must stay tall,

I also find this passage very strong, because it describes once again that you can get through the difficult moments if you remember what can hold you up.

There are a few small spelling mistakes, which I didn't find really dramatic and didn't disturb the reading flow. I suppose if you read over them once, you will have quickly removed them.

Have fun with your writing!


Dossereana says...

Thanks so much for the kind words I'm glad you liked it, spelling words isn't my strong point I still make mistakes, so yeah sorry about that.
Again thanks for the review :D

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Points: 368
Reviews: 3

Sun Apr 18, 2021 2:06 pm
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Amore wrote a review...

You alrdy warned us that it is an old poem so it might not be that good, but i hope that you'll put our reviews and your personal judgment (of what is good and what is not) into good use. I also want to see how it'll end up if you do get the chance to improve it. So, let's head on to the comments lol. I like the theme and the flow of ideas, but i think you have to use more figures of speech so that you can put more feelings into the piece and somehow add more imagery to help the readers feel and/or visualize what you want to say while also increasing the artistic value of the piece or smth. and i think you should also make the readers more engaged or certain abt who you are talking to or referring to by having a consistent point of view. if you do want to talk to them (like what i feel u want this poem to do for u), then legit talk to them (in an artistic but not cryptic way unless you want cryptic lmao) and try to increase the feel factor or smth.

some tip/s and piece/s of advice:
there are never "too many" figures of speech; as long as they're appropriate and they sound good (or if they fit the rhyme scheme or meter or vibe or whatever you're going for) and they do express what u want to express, just go ahead and experiment. the good thing about writing is that you can revise over and over again and you can create your own phrases.

you can try rhymes and specific syllable counts (idk what they're called if they do have a name lol) too. tho i do see that your poem has rhymes.

Per line:

1- Love, can be the most sweatiest thing,
*the most sweatiest>the sweetest
*you can use a simile or a metaphor instead of just saying that it is the sweetest thing. what is the sweetest thing you can think of?

2 - It brings people closer to gather,
*to gather>together
*now idk if "to gather" is intentional, but "together" still sounds more appropriate

3 - You can get comfort from one another,
*make POVs consistent, especially when your subject in a line is not Love (or the legit main subject) but persons included/involved. try to stick with one throughout the poem unless you intentionally want/have to change it for better effect.

4 - Love is like a beautiful instrument,
*it would be better if your make "beautiful instrument" more vivid or specific... what instrument? Try to use some symbolic shizzery to illustrate love.

5 - that flows in you heart for ever.
*you>your (if you choose 2nd person POV)
*forever in Am English; for ever in British English
*In connection to line 4, what instrument can flow in your heart? rn, i can think about the sounds made by the sea, ocean, or winds that u can use in line 4. why? because they have no physical form therefore it will be easier to justify that they do flow into the heart with the help of the physical senses. moreover, they're natural, seemingly unceasing (forever yaaay), and ever-present.

6 - But love is not all ways that simple.

7 - Love can tier many hearts and souls,
*a question you have to answer is: how can love can tire or destroy hearts and souls? it will be good to cite historical or mythological references here. if you don't want that, then ig smth more relatable and commonly experienced in the present times? you can try add one line for that.

8 - Till there broken,

9 - Till it is no more
*what exactly is "it" referring to? the love? if it is, you can just say "till love is no more" (not minding meter, syllable count, and rhyme scheme). but if you want to refer to hearts and souls, change "it is" to "they are".

10 - But you must stand strong
*it's good to add another simile here. stand strong like what?

11 - You must stay tall,
*you can add another figure of speech here. why would the person have to stay tall? give smth inspirational... if it doesn't fit in this line, try to add another. since line 10, assume that your reader is a heart-broken person in need of consolation.

12 - You must not brake to the floor
*i personally don't like this line much. idk but it might be bc of how it is worded.

13 - Don’t let anyone bake,
*idk why you chose to use "bake"; try waste or taint or smth similar to them.

14 - that beautiful heart of yours.

so that's it. it's gotten pretty long. i hope you pick up a thing or two that might help u in writing more poems (or in editing this one). Have a nice day<3

Dossereana says...

Thanks so much for the review, it was very helpful, I will take this in for my other poems.
also bake was was supposed to be spelled break so I need to go change that oops.
Thanks again for the review.

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26 Reviews

Points: 29
Reviews: 26

Sun Apr 18, 2021 3:10 am
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nightshadows wrote a review...

Hi! This is nightshadows bring a new comment live to a theater near you! Ok, so enough of my uniqueness here are my thoughts:

Aww yes! I love all these love poems! I honestly enjoy very much the flow transition from love to heartbreak, it really puts some rise into your poem!You have a very amazing talent of putting another reader into your shoes, just by the use of words, *applauds*.
Maybe try and add a simile or two but other than that I really love this poem! Great job <3

Dossereana says...

Thanks so much nightshadows, I'm glad you liked it. :D <3

"Be yourself" is not advice. It's an existential crisis waiting to happen.
— Hank Green