18+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Descent Chapter 11: My Father in Heaven Part 2

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Full Novel Synopsis: Sequel to 'The Spiralling', itself a sequel to the Kick-Ass (2010) movie. However, this novel can be read on its own. After Big Daddy died, Mindy was driven mad, subdued by Dave, and locked away in an Institute after killing all who she deemed responsible but Dave. Will she recover? What will happen next to a New York without her nor the Motherfucker? Elements of the Kick-Ass 2 (2013) movie and comic series will be taken in.

The Descent

Chapter 11: My Father in Heaven Part 2

Meanwhile…

Dave was gone after school again. He left even earlier than before! I’m starting to miss him. Dad’s still at home though, so I’m not totally alone. There was always someone in the house with me. They cared about me, I guess, so they might have made sure that at least one of them was there for me.

I was doing my homework, trying to remember as many words as I can. Then I needed to go all of a sudden, so I left my room and went straight to the bathroom. But I saw someone at the stairs on my way, so I stopped.

It was God. Blonde hair and moustache, big spectacles, brown jacket. But I saw even more of him. He wore a brown sweater over a white shirt inside and jeans. He was walking down the stairs, and I forgot all about the bathroom.

“God?” I said after him, but he didn’t look at me. I followed him. When he was going down the stairs, he didn’t even make a sound. He disappeared down the stairs soon after. I was a little afraid to catch up with him, “Wait, please! There’s so much I wanted to say!”

I pray every day, once or twice, or even 3 times. I could see his face every time, but he wouldn’t talk to me. His smile was warm, and I wanted it every day. I wanted even more to really be with him. Now, even more so, because I’m worried about Dave. He didn’t seem as happy.

I went down the stairs, and I saw God going past the living room. I followed, and then I saw him going down to the basement. Dad and Dave told me not to go down the basement. I didn’t know what to do then.

But I need to be with God. I could feel it inside, so much. I went after God, down to the basement. I remembered what Dave said. ‘Don’t go down to the basement, Mandy, it’s dirty and dangerous.’ It was very dark too. Like a… Like a… Nightmare I had with all the explosions and shouting.

I held my necklace in my hand, the one daddy bought me. He added a cross to it yesterday. He said that I deserve it since I was a ‘devout Christian’. The wooden stairs down were already scaring me. They creaked when I stepped on them. I couldn’t help but to jump at them.

‘NOW GO TO ROBIIIIIIIIIIIIIN’S REVEEEEEEEENNNNNGE!!!’ I could remember my first nightmare. It came back to me once in a while, and I was still afraid of it. It came back to me when I descended down the wooden stairs. I could almost hear the screams. ‘AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!’

I held my heart and cross even tighter. I could barely see. When I was down in the basement, I couldn’t see God anymore. He disappeared. There were old furniture and boxes all over, boxes on top of each other. Almost everything was taller than me! There was a workbench in the middle. I could see a… utility belt? In front of me. It was easier than everything to see because it was yellow. ‘NOW SWIIIIITCH TO KRYPTONIIIIIIIIIITE!!!’ I could almost hear it, the screams. ‘ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!’

“My Father in Heaven, hallowed be thy name…” I whispered under my breath. I was scared, but I wanted to see God. I walked past the workbench, “Thy kingdom come…” There were boxes all over. Something was moving in the boxes. It was scaring me. I could barely see. I can’t help but to cry, but I didn’t want to make any noise. I could feel tears going down my cheeks. I was frightened, “Thy- Thy will be done…”

‘There are other things in this world other than God.’ I remembered what Pastor Harkman said. I couldn’t move when the boxes moved even more. “Thy kingdom come…” I repeated because I couldn’t even remember how to continue the prayer. I was too afraid!

I could hear moaning from inside the stacks of boxes. I couldn’t move. Then an arm shot out of the boxes! I could see a little better, and I saw the arm. It was sticky and dark red. Small, like mine. I ran. I cried and I ran. I was screaming. I ran up the stairs. I didn’t feel the need to go anymore. I ran. “DAD!”

When I got out, daddy was at the stairs, running down, “Mandy! What happened!?” I was crying so much. I found it hard to say it all.

“Dad! I’m sorry I’m so sorry! I went down the basement, I went down!” I hugged daddy. “There was- was something inside dad! There was a monster inside! Daddy I’m so sorry I’m so sorry Dad!”

Daddy went to take something out of his room. It was a long, black flashlight. A mag-lite. We went down the basement together. “Stay behind me, Mandy.” He said, so I did as he was told. His mag-lite was bright, so I wasn’t as scared anymore.

I took him to where I saw the arm coming out of the boxes. When he was about to reach into the boxes, I held him back. I pulled at him hard, “Dad, no! It’s in there!” But he told me not to worry and reached in.

The box moved. Something squeaked. I jumped. Something flew across the room. I saw it. It was a squirrel, but… The squirrel flew across the room and went out a window at the side of the basement. “See? Nothing to worry about.” Dad said. He chuckled, “Nothing to be afraid of, alright? Daddy’s here, Mandy.” I hugged him again. I was SO scared.

“Why’s the floor wet?” He shined his flashlight on the floor. There was water from where we were, trailing all the way up the steps. I looked down and saw that my only pair of jeans was wet. I had never felt so ashamed in my entire life. If I wasn’t crying earlier, I would have cried now.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review

Hey, Dark Raven!

It's definitely times like these that I wish I hadn't jumped in when I did, since the tension would've been so much higher for me. Despite that, you still did a really good job capturing everything going around in Mandy's head, how she wanted to see 'God' and all that. One thing that I wish you would've done was that when she was thinking about what the priest said about the devil, it actually came to her. That perhaps this 'God' was the devil trying to trick her.

That's kind of scary that she's actually seeing God, and for a bit I had thought that this was just another dream, but your use of puncuation had improved. It was a nice twist though, all of it. (And I know what the hand is... O.O). There were a few things that I thought about while reading this though. Some probably more criticism than others.

It's really interesting that they are encouraging Mandy to pray and to become 'a devout Christian', even though she's only praying and then only doing that to see her father, who she thinks is God. I'd think they would maybe look into how she is always praying and talking about wanting to see God. It's also interesting why she can only see him when she prays. Was there some kind of connection between her father and church that her mind can slip his image into?

Throughout this, Mandy always talks about almost being able to hear the screams, almost sounding like they are there. It seems kind of distracting to have them there if it's not certain she hears them. Well, then why put them in there? (Or why not italicize them for extra effect?) Are you trying to line up the events of her old life to this one? Is this even a real memory of hers?

Which leads me to my next point. So, perhaps this particular dream isn't a memory of hers? Maybe it's from some kind of movie? She remembers Robin and then she hears Kryptonite and I'm wondering if her mind is trying to mash together all this comic book knowledge. Seems kind of odd though... Would Mindy have a Kryptonite?

Final really minor thing that I thought about was the part with the utility belt...? Is it just like an actual workshop down there, with a tool belt consisting of hammers and other tools? Or is it something more? Why was it glowing in the first place? It just didnt make that much sense to me.

That's it for now. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~

User avatar
Archer
Review
Archer wrote a review · Sun Nov 24, 2013 8:23 pm

Your writing style changed a lot between the previous chapter and this one! In the previous chapter, there were a lot of comma splices and run-on sentences. Here, you instead opt for short sentences, which I think works a lot better. It makes it easier to follow the narrator.

I like the way the chapter begins, and how it goes from there. You describe the hallucinations (if that's what they are) rather well, and it gives the piece a sort of nightmarish dream quality to it. I just hope you return to them! At the moment, I have a lot of questions, such as, "Why did she see God?" and "Why did she see a bloody arm?". Is she being driven mad by past experiences? And where does she go from here? If I thought I saw a bloody arm, I probably would not be able to sleep that night!

One thing that I think you can work on is the descriptions following dialogue. Take this for example:

Stay behind me, Mandy.” He said, so I did as he was told.


The "he said" is redundant. We know who's talking, and it draws away from your distinctive writing style. Instead, begin with "I did," which I think will be more in line with your style.

In fact, one thing that I would do is go through and remove any extra words no matter where they are. I love the short sentences, but every now and then they get a little long. Cutting out extra words could help with that.

In any case, this was a good chapter. I look forward to reading more!

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Sat Nov 09, 2013 5:53 pm

It's nice to see that Mandy has a mind of her own, and will disobey Dave and her Dad if she feels like there is a greater calling. I wonder why she keeps seeing the ghost of Big Daddy, or if it's just her memory? And it was interesting to see how scared she became, and how frightened. It just shows the stark contrast between Mindy as she was, and Mandy as now. I didn't know Mandy was that devout to Christianity that she learnt the prayer already! Sometimes she has a very good sense of memory and education, and then sometimes she's slow on picking up things? Selective memory....?

“Wait, please! There’s so much I wanted to say!”


Although the story is in past tense, the dialogue is always in present tense. Because at the time, she was saying it like it was happening to her. Or maybe that should be out of the speech marks because Mandy is thinking that she had a lot to tell "God"?

Another minor thing, but you keep switching from daddy with a lowercase 'd' to a capital 'd'. Just remember that for Big Daddy it's a capital because it's a name. But usually with books it's a lowercase for words like mum or dad. This is because it's not actually their name, but just a title given to them.

Other than those minor things, it's still looking good. And on to the next one ^^

Deanie x

Hmm thanks for all the wonderful feedbacks. I'll be sure to change those in the next draft. Could be a while though, because I'm currently just concentrating on trying to finish this humongous fanfic.

Anyway, yeah, Mindy's enigmatic that way. The best way to explain it is that her hardware's still as good as ever, so she's still a fast learner. However, the reason why she's not getting her past is because of the censorship and lies her new family keeps putting up for her.



"Growing up isn't the problem... forgetting is."
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince