Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Full Novel Synopsis: Sequel to 'The Spiralling', itself a sequel to the Kick-Ass (2010) movie. However, this novel can be read on its own. After Big Daddy died, Mindy was driven mad, subdued by Dave, and locked away in an Institute after killing all who she deemed responsible but Dave. Will she recover? What will happen next to a New York without her nor the Motherfucker? Elements of the Kick-Ass 2 (2013) movie and comic series will be taken in.
The Descent
Chapter 11: My Father in Heaven Part 1
I was early for the meeting, wherever the hell it was – Doctor Gravity told me to wait at some back alley behind Murphy’s Bar in Bowery Street, and prepare for a surprise. Cue me sitting on a loading dock, all alone, this weird fellow in wetsuit and pseudo-SWAT gear. I had plenty of time to imagine what the surprise was, and I had plenty of ideas from the pages of comic books and the silver screen of movies. I could imagine the team coming down, in a neatly arranged Delta formation. I could imagine a huge secret entrance opening up. At the same time, I kept an eye out for danger – I was paranoid enough after getting tricked by Red Mist to think that Doctor Gravity could be a plant, and my date with the street gang yesterday a stage. I was paranoid, some could say too paranoid, but after everything that had happened…
I remembered the Grandmaster. I remembered thinking about inviting him into whatever superhero team I managed to put together. I’ve seen how he was, but I couldn’t stop seeing that glorious Aragorn in him, in that shrivelled shell. I decided to text him. I was lucky he’d modernised with the help of his daughter, Nevaeh. Last time I checked, he was also on Facebook, and I got his number from there:
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From: Dave Lizewski
To: Aldan Bonitus
Aldan, Im meeting n actual team of supeheroes! You wanna come?
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I didn’t know what to expect. It sounded like hoping Wolverine would tear through the silver screen with his Adamantium claws, waving hello to everyone. Unrealistic. On the other hand, miracles happen. Miracles like Mindy – no girls before puberty could have pulled what she did in the past year or so, and for a year, I was dreadfully certain that she would be a permanent resident of Jameson Psychiatry Institute. Well, at least the message came along. I could imagine him having porridge for an early dinner. Not particularly encouraging:
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From: Aldan Bonitus
To: Dave Lizewski
Dave Lizewski. With all sincerity, I appreciate your invitation to your no doubt illustrious cohort of fine peacemakers. However, I must apologise, for I can barely even teach in the local chapter, much less fight crime in any fashion.
It is never what I wanted, my friend. My sole reason for returning home to New York is my family. Having failed my late wife, my daughter Nevaeh is all that binds me to this world. There was never any intention for me to become a ‘superhero’. I live for Nevaeh, and her alone now.
I dearly hope you understand, Dave Lizewski, and not let this come between our friendship. Once again, I apologise for this rejection and any hurt I brought in its wake.
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Aldan was a mash of old and new world ideals. He’d written a short letter to me in cellphone message form. I was hardly disappointed by his response. I knew all along that he would reject it. Though it doesn’t mean it didn’t snuff up some hope in me. Not to mention, there was always that undercurrent right up to my chest – I felt queasy that Aldan was the way he was, especially considering that I was involved, even if he wasn’t blaming me. With his rejection came his image of vulnerability anew – I hadn’t met his daughter yet, but who’s going to take care of her if Aldan kicks it?
For some time, I stewed in this undercurrent, but it didn’t last forever. The door in the loading dock behind me opened up without warning, mechanically, sounding vaguely futuristic. There was a streak of paranoia in me, so I backed away quickly, halfway across the alley, my batons out.
And they were still out when Doctor Gravity walked out of the opened loading bay, his Zero-G device by his side, shining pink in the relative darkness, reminding me vaguely of Mindy, the colour. “Pretty cool, huh?” He boasted. It sounded like he was in this supposed base before me, like days before me, “This is how the beer gets delivered.” My paranoia begins to fade, the blood washing away. I let my batons droop and my guard down, but I was still considering if it was a mistake.
When I came in, I finally decided to take a leap of faith, and put away my batons. A smile began to form on my face. There was still a fanboy somewhere in me, and I couldn’t restrain him. It got even better when I realised there wasn’t another door to the other side, because it was a cargo lift. “Dude… You got a secret elevator to your underground headquarters!”
“Yeah, look what I told you about the guy who owns this place!” Doctor Gravity replied with equal enthusiasm. I could tell even past his red-tinted goggles and mask, at least, that he was almost as new as me to the superhero facility. His grin said it all. It gets even better than that. There was a corridor ahead lined with bricks and pipes. We walked together, took a turn to the left.
“It looks like a real-life Bat Cave.” It was awesome, far from what I expected. The most that I allowed myself to ever hope for with Big Daddy and Hit-Girl non-functional was some backroom in an abandoned house, or a spare storeroom with a store as a front, some place that was a member of the team’s small-medium grocery business. Not even Big Daddy could match up to the fictional Bat Cave, and the chance of having a billionaire with us was next to nil.
“I know, right?” He squealed in manly delight.
When we went down further, there was a rack at the side, holding some sticks, possibly weapons. It was too dark to see, but I thought I saw police batons. There were plastic covers up ahead, the kind that can commonly be found in meat processing factories or butcher shops. I had never felt such anticipation for a long time. It wasn’t the kind that you feel when things hit the fan – it was the good kind, not the kind I used to feel before my mistakes caught up with Mindy’s sanity, or even Big Daddy’s life. But it was the kind I used to feel when I turned the pages of a comic book issue I was dying for.
When we shoved the plastic cover past and went in, I was suddenly surrounded by more superheroes, people like me, well, somewhat. I could feel warmth in my blood. For a moment, it was shocking, the change in temperature, but it settled in well. My blood felt congealed for a long time, even after I adopted Mindy. They were sitting in a rough semi-circle, reminding me of some kind of group therapy session, but I didn’t care. As far as I’m concerned, it was the therapy I need.
There were 7 of them in their costumes. I’ve met Doctor Gravity, I’d seen the couple in blue sports jackets on TV before, glanced at Nightbitch online… But the other three were unfamiliar, but it was obvious who the leader was. The tallest guy, who also looked the oldest and wisest, upon noticing me, stood up from the head of the green couch he was sitting on – he was altogether inspiring, like the latest Captain America but realistic, in his convincing military uniform with a dog in matching gear by his side. He was the next best thing to Big Daddy and Hit-Girl. Hell, I let my reservations drop; he’s as good as them. He regarded me with a measure of respect, and greeted me in a stoic, reserved tone, a cross between too many superheroes I could remember, “Welcome to Justice Forever.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey, Dark Raven!
Right off the bat, I'm really confused about this Red Mist (chick?). I recall Deanie mentioning them in one of her reviews, but tricking Dave into thinking Doctor Gravity is a plant? Didn't he not meet Doctor Gravity until just a couple days ago? And I do not recall a Red Mist appearing in that huge encounter with the gangs trying to beat them up. Please clarify.
Uh... wasn't this just mentioned in the couple lines before? Wasn't this just being summarized there too, about why he was paranoid? Oh, the wonders of showing instead of telling. It also reduces repetition.
Another thing that sort of threw me off a ton was when the loading dock suddenly started to open. Since the narration had gone off to include more about what Dave thoughts would happen, inviting Aldan, etc. I had completely forgotten at that point where he was. I even had just assumed he was in a regular old alley. Perhaps try to keep that fresher in the reader's mind instead of just mentioning it once.
It's interesting how Dave scopes all these guys he's meeting out, sort of checking to see if they're any good. However, I don't really see how he could so quickly accept 'how good he is'. He may look pretty epic, but you can't really know a person until you've seen them in action, so I would think that he would be much more skeptical about it and still hold those reserves, as he mentions, though his first interpretation of the man is super impressive.
When Dave first came in there, it was pretty funny to see him be all, "Whoa!!!" Of course he would. He basically became of super hero because comic books are his life. (Random thing, I sort of wish you mentioned to origin story of Kick-Ass a little. You know, because seeing the actual movie is much more work...)
Another great chapter you have here! Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
I thought this was generally pretty well done.
Grammar wise, there are a lot of comma splices; that is, using a comma to join together two independent clauses. Take this line for example:
After front, there should be a period. Then "some place" would start off a new sentence.
However, a lot of the comma splices may simply be your writing style, and it is an interesting writing style. It's very stream of consciousness, but I'm not quite sure about it. The problem is lines like this:
The sentence just kind of keeps jumping around. By the end, I'm not even really sure what you're referring to.
But, there are other places when it works really well:
I think the difference is that this line is describing action whereas the other line is describing an object. When you're conveying action, stream of consciousness can work really well. But when you're described a physical thing, it can get a bit unwieldy.
Overall though, I enjoyed this piece. Thank you.
GOOD EVENING! I am here representing The Epic Ice Cream Warriors of Pluto in this fantabulous review day! Yes, that really is our name!
YAY!

And Yes, I realise that I'm jumping into the middle of your story here, so bare with me with the details if I get anything wrong. I shall do my best! *pumps up chest with pride*
I will review as I read so that it will make a lot more sense to both me and you. I tend to get all muddled up otherwise and ramble on and on. (SEE - Rambling!)
Here we go!
1. Love that you've given a little synopsis a the top! It's like you read my mind about making my job a little easier! Love that!
2. Love your varied sentence openers! I hate seeing I, I, I. If you keep this up, I will be one happy gal!
3. I love how excitable you've made them. It's infectious!
4. I would like to know what this leader guy looks like, talks like, etc. Yet, I love the end line. I already want to know more about the Justice Forever malarky.
5. I didn't think I would like this at all but you've pleasantly surprised me! You're style of writing is fantastic, there's comic relief in there and the story seems to be going somewhere good!
Good luck! Keep writing and I look forward to seeing more of your work soon
Olive <3
Brilliant!
Well written, exciting and I love how you build up to that dream-like more perfect than anything situation. Especially where you close the chapter, with welcome to Justice Forever. It seems like Dave has stepped into heaven. It was different though, to see how he preferred this to Big Daddy and Mindy's place. Here it seems more comical, and there more serious.
A brilliant chapter
My one little problem with this was originality again. I can see how you want it to go along the same lines, but really, you could use different dialogue? The same words, same actions and to me it seems like I'm reading what I've already watched although the situation is a bit different. Maybe you could make some of the characters within this group different and unique in themselves, to deviate from the film a bit.
Apart from that, it was all good here! Seriously, you're just making it harder for me to review because there are a lot less slip-ups.
Deanie x
It's a really hard case for originality, because this being fanfiction, there's little that is original to begin with. The most I could do is to add on to the canon.
. Sometimes I can't control what happens haha. It's taking a life of its own.
My case is special, because it's more or less a parallel universe, so I was going with a theme in which everything's happening differently, but with similarities. It also helps with my compulsion to allow my work to 'converse' with the canon in the movies and comics. Like, the canon will echo in my fanfic...
But I get what you're saying, but don't worry about it. I'm trying to be as original as the story allows me