18+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Descent Chapter 1: Picture of a Pink Unicorn Part 1

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

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Full Novel Synopsis: Sequel to 'The Spiralling', itself a sequel to the Kick-Ass (2010) movie. However, this novel can be read on its own. After Big Daddy died, Mindy was driven mad, subdued by Dave, and locked away in an Institute after killing all who she deemed responsible but Dave. Will she recover? What will happen next to a New York without her nor the Motherfucker? Elements of the Kick-Ass 2 (2013) movie and comic series will be taken in.

The Descent

Chapter 1: Picture of a Pink Unicorn Part 1

There’s always this burning question I asked, every time I flipped through a comic book, ‘what’s exactly going through the mind of a superhero when the shit hits the fan’? What exactly happens to Bruce Wayne when his parents were killed? Or how about when Rachel was blown up? Sure, we’d get the words and carefully drawn sad face off a page, or a good Bale performance, but what were they really thinking? Feeling?

After almost two decades, I guess my questions were finally answered. The biggest part about being a superhero, as it turns out, wasn’t the flashy weapons, or the team-ups, or the cool factors. It was all in the head, how much pain you could take inside and keep going. It’s all the difference between Batman and Two-Face, and I found that out the hard way.

8 months ago…

“Kill me! KILL ME, cunts! Kill me!” A rather young, but foul-mouthed voice screamed, her voice cracking from dryness, losing even more innocence than it already did, if that was even possible anymore. On the television screen, a girl not even 12 years of age was, with great difficulty, being stuffed into a straitjacket by four burly men, the best in their fields. Yet, they were having trouble, as the kid was continually tearing herself away from the straitjacket just as they were about to secure it.

As they finally pulled a strap over her flat, prepubescent chest and locked it, she delivered a precise kick at one of the orderlies, right in the throat. He stumbled back, his eyes wider than normally thought possible, as he struggled to breathe. Leaning on a wall, he slid down, fell unconscious, “I’ll fuck you up! All of you! Fucking fuck all of you!” She was screaming between threats, panting like an athlete on shots.

Another strap came in place, and then another. What looked like the devil’s daughter was finally in control. Another of the orderlies took out a syringe, plunged it into a bottle containing a clear fluid, and sucked it all out. After knocking it and testing the plunger, he leaned in, near the girl’s head, so that he could find a vein on her neck.

Despite his size and muscles, he was near-sighted, and preferred to be safe, which was when a surprise head-butt knocked him back. The girl was struggling against her restraints, growling and screaming like a possessed case, but another orderly took over, and stabbed the syringe in her neck, injecting the clear fluid. The girl screamed, and her high-pitched voice actually had the orderlies covering their ears.

I could still hear the screams, even after the television in Doctor Paul’s office was turned off. Couldn’t help but to lean forward, cover my eyes. I could still see her contorted face as she was trying to get out, trying to kill everyone and get even with me. The darkness my hands gave me didn’t help. Instead, it made the scene even clearer. It was even worse than the scenes from The Exorcists. This was real, that one wasn’t, “Oh God… Jesus, no.” I couldn’t help but to let a few tears crawl – it certainly wasn’t superman from a comic book page we’re talking about, it was the same girl who saved my life back at D’Amico’s, the same girl who started feeling like a sister after that.

She was even worse than a shadow of her former self. From the video recording, I could see her pallid face, yellowish in some parts, her hair messy. I saw the whitish slits on her arms, not exactly scars, but they will remain there for years to come, and even longer in her mind, in all of ours’. She wasn’t herself. She looked so thin and frail, yet she was somehow still able to fight off men five times her size. It was frightening to me even when it shouldn’t have been.

“Is there anything else I could do? To help?” I was swallowing saliva like cups of water, I wasn’t sure what else to say, what else to do. It was no longer my arena. It wasn’t about crimefighting any longer, not that I was that good to begin with. For months, I had been filling out questionaires, writing reports the size of essays, as long as I could possibly make them. It was a good way to make me feel helpless and worthless, after all, what I knew about her case made it worse. I made it worse, I started it all, “And please… Something more than papers, anything.”

My voice was quivering, I couldn’t help it. I hated it, I wanted to be strong for her, but I couldn’t. It was that hard I suppose – Well, that’s another level of badassness for those superheroes I’ve been reading. An epiphany at the wrong time.

“Yeah, well, okay.” Dr. Paul was flipping through his clipboards. I could tell that he, too, was a little taxed. The beads of sweat on his forehead, and his shivering fingers were all tell-tale signs that he had met his match. It didn’t help my own confidence, “She’s been a little quiet for the past couple days. She was usually swearing and beating people up. There’s one thing you could do. Please, come with me.”

The psychiatrist led me out of his office, through white, spotless corridors that managed to irk me. Hey, the cleaner it is, the more shitty the place actually is, but as far as asylums go, it wasn’t something that could run me out. I was used to it since the beginning, I had to be, for her, “I believe a little bit of positive stimuli could be beneficial to her mentally. I believe you are the positive stimuli. After all, if your reports hold true, you are what stopped her where half the police force and mafia didn’t.”

We went through the low security zone, and like any movies about asylums, and definitely not Arkham Asylum, there were patients milling about, playing card games, reading, watching televisions or zoning out, supervised by orderlies. I was hoping to see her there, but none of the patients were even remotely her size.

Instead, we ended up in the maximum security area, right past the high security zone, where the worst cases were held. There were a lot of orderlies, four in a checkpoint, a few others standing by these huge steel doors. There were even a few security guards present, and they weren’t just packing tasers or batons like the orderlies.

“Hey Paul.” One of the guards greeted my psychiatrist as they let us through. Inside, we were flanked by four orderlies and a guard. Even then, I couldn’t help but still feel unsafe. I was trying hard to beat out that fear like fire. I owed it to her. Passing by doors, I couldn’t help but to look in, hoping to see her in one of them. All I saw were men or women, all mumbling crazy things, or sitting still, too still. One of them was frantically writing giant letters on pieces of paper that I didn’t feel like reading.

“Here we are. Indeed.” The doctor said as he nodded to the guard escorting us. The four orderlies got ready. I could see sweat everywhere, just pouring. I tried hard not to, “I want you to talk to her, try to get her to communicate. Okay? Good. Alright, outstanding.”

I looked in, but I didn’t want to see. Instead, I forced my eyes close, drew back. I wanted to wait, hope against hope for any good surprises. The guard was still fumbling around with his keys, and my heart was thumping, hoping that she would remain docile even as I entered the cell. It took a while as I waited in the rather stereotypically dark corridor, but the guard managed to get the heavy steel door into her room to open with a very loud series of clicks. It felt like facing some final boss, for some reason. I entered the room, which was actually quite spacious, followed by everyone else. There were seven of us.

Inside was her, sitting on the floor, wearing a kid-sized patient’s gown, facing away from me, facing a wall. She was working on something with soft-looking crayons, I couldn’t see what. The Doctor nodded to me as he held his clipboard up, ready to jot down notes. I took a step. Another. Trying to be cautious. Took a deep breath, and released. I came closer, trying to be as casual as possible.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review

Hey again, Dark Raven!

I hope you don't mind me pulling this up out of the grave. I rather enjoyed your later parts, and a story doesn't make much sense starting thirteen chapter in. So, I'll do my best to leave a helpful review here.

This is quite the strong beginning of the chapter, and I was pulled into the parts mostly. There were a few points here and there that didn't quite line up with me, and I had to go back and reread or thinking about what was happening for a second, for instance when Dave mentioned how clean it was. It was sort of phrased awkwardly and just didn't feel like it fit to me. Why would he be mentioning how clean it was? Sure its unusual, and perhaps it was to get his mind off of what's happening, but it could be more clear.

Now onto a few things I noticed while reading.

Couldn’t help but to lean forward, cover my eyes.


This one spot didn't flow very well with the rest. Since it was very blatantly missing the subject, it just threw me off when reading it, and it's really obvious that you're trying not to repeat I over and over again, which is good to do, but your narration shouldn't become forced either. Perhaps try rewording the sentences around there, or even change this up.

Not sure what about it, but the descriptions about this girl (I assume it's Mindy, because I got some pretty huge spoilers earlier xD) are really weak and disjointed feeling. One thing that may have caused some of it is the use of '-ish' after some of the colors, which really weakens the language. The flow was alright, I believe, but some of the wording used to describe her was somewhat odd, so maybe go back and look over it.

I could see sweat everywhere, just pouring. I tried hard not to...


And then it goes into dialogue. I don't quite understand what was trying to be said here. It's a sentence fragment without the most important part of the sentence. Another thing that this makes me realize is that sweat is mentioned a lot. Yes, people sweat when they're nervous, but there are also other nervous quirks that people have. Try to spice it up a bit more.

Towards the end of this part specifically, some repetition started showing up, specifically with Dave 'trying' two things at the same time, so be careful of that. And one last technical thing to add, was sometimes there were some comma splices in there, which sort of worked, but it caught me off guard, expecting a participle or something to that effect.

Anyways, I still really enjoyed this and I'm really curious to find out more! Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Sat Oct 26, 2013 11:18 am

Hi there Dark Raven,

I can see that I setting myself up for a lot of hard work. Already there's lots posted into bits, and although I'm reviewing this first bit, I'll catch up with the story as much as I can tomorrow on review day.

I haven't seen the films, so I'm reading this fanfiction without the fan part - just as fiction. Sorry, but I hope you don't mind. You did say it could be read either way ;)

Feedback time. You're description is just, great and I loved reading this. It had no punctuation or grammatical problems in it. And I thought it was fab. You've got a great style here. My main problem was with the actual story.

Reading this alone I was very confused. The beginning was very good, where the speaker mentioned that he wanted to know what the superhero's thought through certain moments. I understand all that.

Then we hit a flashback, where the main character is sitting in the office and watching on television an event that happened to this girl that he knew. Presumably someone the main character knows well. Although the relation isn't completely said, I think very good friends. What I would like here now, at the point where the television is switched off, is the main characters name. It could be dropped in very subtly where the Doctor says, "Come on Jim, there is something you can do." Maybe his name isn't Jim - but you get the point :P I think it just helps the reader to know this, and it seems like the reader knows the main character a bit more personally.

And I would also like the name of the person he is going to visit. Just to clear a bit of confusion about who this girl is. I'm suspecting her name is Mindy, from the introduction-y bit at the beginning of this chapter? Also saves a lot of approaching confusion.

So, my main advice here was just to add in names, and little details like this for the main characters to become a bit more familiar to the reader. It's a great start and I'm interested to see where this will go. I don't usually review fanfiction, so this is something new for me too :D

I'll see more of you and this story tomorrow! Till then!

Deanie x

Indeed, it'd be ALOT of hardwork. As of now, there's 23 chapters, or almost 110,000 words. We're not even half-way through, and the novel is far from finished. Chapter 24 is half-way done.

It's fine if you haven't watched the movies. It can be read either way, you're right.

Anyway, about the names bit... Yeah, I might do that, but you've gotta remember that this is only a part of a chapter... The names are all further down in the next part. Still, every feedback has its merits. I might consider yours. When I look at this chapter for the next draft, I could always play around with how soon I remember the names.

If I remember correctly, I threw in the names late in this chapter so that I could give the reader time to get acquainted with the characters, to get to know them first before formally getting introduced. Might not be appropriate as you said though - I mean, we don't do that in public, heh!

I'm glad that you're enjoying yourself. However, if you're not, do tell me, just as you told me what's wrong in this part. Thanks for the review! :)

I live for challenges :P Sounds like a proper novel you have there. Looking forwards to it.

And I saw you cut it down to "YWS chapters" which are smaller because well... too long and it frightens off reviewers :P

Indeed, I've noted that the readers in YWS have a far shorter attention span than in FF.net...

I'm glad you like challenges. Just don't forget to enjoy yourself :)

Hey there! I'm Onyx and I will be reviewing your novel today. :)

Comments
Great job all together! I really liked it and it defiantly draws me in to read more. There are just a few things I would like to point out. :)

It’s all the difference between Batman and Two-Face, and I found that out the hard way.
I like the last line in the second paragraph before you go into the next paragraph. For me, it is very grabbing. It makes me want to continue to read through this. Great job! :)

What looked like the devil’s daughter was finally in control.

Great detail, I like it. It tells how horrid she is being and a good metaphor.

crimefighting any longer,

This sounds a big weird to me, I think "longer" should be "anymore" But that could just be me.

hope against hope for any good surprises.

What do you mean "hope against hope" ? Just a question that popped in my head when I had read it.

Inside was her, sitting on the floor, wearing a kid-sized patient’s gown, facing away from me, facing a wall.

Great detail work here! I really like it, it makes me want to read more!

Over all
Great job over all! You did amazing work! I love it, I can't wait to read some more of this story. I will have to go back and read the other one. If you don't mind sending me the link to it? That would be awesome. So, those are just a few things I have pointed out while reading. If you have any questions or reason why I have said something. Feel free to send me a private message and I would love to chat. If you need anything else reviewed, feel free to post a message on my profile and I would love to do some more reviewing! Thank you so much for your time and keep on writing!
~Onyx

Thanks for going through this. If you're reviewing this book, hoh boy do you have your work cut out for you, because if I divide the current chapters I have in store into similarly sized parts, there will be about 67 parts, and that's not counting the new chapters I'm writing, though for now real life is currently stemming the tide of new chapters coming in.

Anyway, there's no other one to go back to. This is a repost, as I found out the hard way that a 3000 words long chapter scares people here. This is just that but broken down into two parts. I will post the second part soon. I'm just trying to figure out if I should post it after this one has left the green room or if I should just post it whenever the predecessor part has one review.

Anyway, whenever we have time I'm sure we could chat. The only things I will have for you to review though would be just this: The Descent. But I'm considering importing some of my original works as well. Who knows?

Anyway, thanks for your valuable opinions. You might see them affect the next draft of this chapter. I should be the one thanking you for your time :D I think you must be exhausted from reviewing my work hahaz :D

Thanks again.

Ha- I am ready for anything you can throw at me! :D Oh alright, I thought there was. You can post the next section when ever you are ready. I am always ready for a new review! :) You should import some original works! As far as this one goes, I can't wait to read more! I am exhausted but hey that is what I am here for! :)
~Knight Onyx

That's some remarkable enthusiasm you have there. It'd be a shame if something were to happen to it... :) haha jk.

I'll import the next section soon-ish. Shouldn't be that unreasonable if two parts of the same novel (and chapter) appears in the green room at the same time, I suppose.



i enjoy repeating things twice in poetry. but only ever twice. nothing tragic ever happens thrice if i have control of it
— theromanticchemist