Some days I'm just two kids
on each other's shoulders
in a trench coat pretending
to be an adult.
Some days I'm the eternal
laughter that lasts many moments
long after the joke had past.
Some days I'm that shooting star
many hope and wish to get
a glimpse of.
Some days I'm the blown out
birthday candle, carrying dreams
beneath the smoke.
Some days I'm the ocean,
turbulent and powerful
washing away the past.
But most days, I just want to be yours.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,337 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Wesh! My name is Jade and I'm here to review your poem. Line by line. Word by word. Anyways, your title caught my attention so here we are. let's go!
Some days I'm just two kids
on each other's shoulders
in a trench coat pretending
to be an adult.
So, even though the syllable count is off I don't have to re-read anything. It's a great introduction to your poem and draws me in. Maybe change the words in the first two lines so it's easier to understand. But I like it so thumbs up!
Some days I'm the eternal
laughter that lasts many moments
long after the joke had past.
I would recommend putting stanzas between each paragraph. You can copy and paste some good ones online. But this is relatable, deep, and emotional. Yes!
Some days I'm that shooting star
many hope and wish to get
a glimpse of.
The count is off and it throws the flow. Maybe read your poem aloud to hear it. And you don't need to say hope and wish, that's saying the same thing two different ways. Like if I said this paragraph is good and excellent. Which it is!
Some days I'm the blown out
birthday candle, carrying dreams
beneath the smoke.
The metaphors of this poem are so good! I have nothing to add to this one.
Some days I'm the ocean,
turbulent and powerful
washing away the past.
But most days, I just want to be yours.
I love the ending!
OVERALL: This was great and I really hope to see more of your work soon! Keep writing because this is awesome!
-Professor Jade
Hey ChipsMcCoy! Zenith here for a review.
Firstly, I would like to say that you have a great poem here. Even the first line about being two kids instantly catches our attention. And the rest of the lines easily manages to keep us hooked. I love the imageries you have used and the pictures created by them in our mind. All the lines add together to create a protagonist.
In the first para, he is shown to have a childlike innocence. His mind, like a child's is not afraid to question every aspect that comes into his notice, thus the significance of two.
The second para shows him to be someone who is cheerful and cherishes every moment of this life.
In the third para, he is hopeful.
Fourth para makes him out to be sure of his dreams and he wants from his life.
The fifth tells me that he is progressive in nature, doesn't let the past come in the way of his future.
But the last line, I'm afraid, kind of feels like an anticlimax. You have gradually drawn an amazing protagonist. But given all the qualities he has, why does he/she need to be anyone else's? He/She seems like his/her own person to me.
But maybe you wanted to tell us that how love affects a person and we can't be complete just in ourselves. Anyways, I really like this poem. I hope you keep on writing stuffs like these.