Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Lyrical


Life Counts

by ChipsMcCoy


I know you've cried 97% emotion

and 1% salt; six times in one hour and
five minutes, at 3AM, precisely .
And you're down to your last 2% of feeling
like existing.
Everyone you fear is merely 70% water.
And everyone you love is 30% stardust. 



You are made of endless seas and infinite stars.
You are a constellation of hope.
Mosaics are made from broken pieces, but
they're still works of art and so are you. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
113 Reviews


Points: 181
Reviews: 113

Donate
Thu Feb 15, 2018 7:53 pm
Bellarke wrote a review...



I know you've cried 97% emotion

and 1% salt; six times in one hour and
five minutes, at 3AM, precisely .
And you're down to your last 2% of feeling
like existing.
Everyone you fear is merely 70% water.
And everyone you love is 30% stardust.



You are made of endless seas and infinite stars.
You are a constellation of hope.
Mosaics are made from broken pieces, but
they're still works of art and so are you.
this is true. sad. But honestly, what even is the real point. I have severe depression and ignore this because I am a negative person.

I loved the poem though.




User avatar
30 Reviews


Points: 1208
Reviews: 30

Donate
Sun Nov 23, 2014 3:42 pm
View Likes
Vibe wrote a review...



Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love this a lot!.
Are you a mathematician? a scientist? or a statistician maybe?
You do write well.

Indeed life counts. Despite the brokenness and chaos around us.
the stars and water
I love how they work things out in your poem. The stars, the salt. Oh, how they dance gleefully in that poem of yours. Such craft, such beauty it must be known not only here in our society but even by the whole world.

YOu guys are just so a m a z i n g! So young, yet so full of brilliant ideas. I should've started writing as early as possible. But that would be of no use now. Would it?

Kudos bata! Keep writing. Keep inspiring readers and writers alike.




User avatar
92 Reviews


Points: 4553
Reviews: 92

Donate
Sat Nov 22, 2014 2:48 am
View Likes
pendr wrote a review...



Wow. This is deserving of all the likes and more. If someone can't relate to this, they haven't experienced life. This is so beautiful, and I am so touched by it. Thank you for making me feel understood and hopeful. Thank you for sharing with others the hope life holds, the hope and love everyone deserves to experience. The hope everyone needs. This is a truly beautiful poem. Thank you again.




ChipsMcCoy says...


<33



User avatar
134 Reviews


Points: 474
Reviews: 134

Donate
Wed Nov 19, 2014 5:30 pm
View Likes
DrFeelGood says...



This is awesome!




Random avatar

Points: 240
Reviews: 0

Donate
Mon Jul 21, 2014 1:41 pm
View Likes
BBS says...



" I know you've cried 97% emotion
and 1% salt; six times in one hour and
five minutes, at 3AM, precisely .
And you're down to your last 2% of feeling
like existing.
Everyone you fear is merely 70% water.
And everyone you love is 30% stardust. "

I just love it.

" You are made of endless seas and infinite stars.
You are a constellation of hope.
Mosaics are made from broken pieces, but
they're still works of art and so are you. "

I also just love it.


More more mooooreee :)




User avatar
65 Reviews


Points: 607
Reviews: 65

Donate
Sun Jun 29, 2014 4:06 am
View Likes
wtppowers wrote a review...



Hey there, ChipsMcCoy (great name, by the way). It's Mr. Powers here for another fun and exciting review. Today, I'm going to look at this poem, entitled "Life Counts".

The first stanza, while confusing to me, is also very interesting. The person you've written this for has cried so hard that he/she just might buy a farm shortly.

The second stanza is less confusing. You basically tell the person to cheer up, that not everything is gone forever.

To be honest, this is a bit psychedelic to me. Or, at least spiritual. With lines like "You are made of endless seas and infinite stars" and "everyone you love is 30% stardust", it's no wonder I feel this way. The imagery is strong here, and it leaves a soothing taste in my mouth. I like this. I want to read more of your stuff, so please, keep writing!

______POWERS OUT________




ChipsMcCoy says...


Thanks for the review :D



User avatar
1007 Reviews


Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Donate
Sun Jun 29, 2014 3:58 am
View Likes
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here, yet again!

I thought this one was an ingenious way to say percentages, something that usually belongs and should stay on math charts. You took those numbers and put them into a poem that was just amazing. I love how you used the words, 97% emotion. I thought that using those words, instead of 97% tears or something really added something. It said that tears aren't really a physical change to you. Its more of a mental change. A spiritual change, even. You have given up on something, or are just having a hard time believing in something. I think that using that example was just amazing and made your poem so unique, compared to all of the other poems about tears. :)

six times in one hour and
five minutes, at 3AM, precisely


You have been using numbers like this(4) throughout the entire first part, but then you fall back to writing them out in this part. I think that you should stick to one format of things, and use that. So 6 times in 1 hour and 5 minutes, at 3AM, precisely.

I love the fact that every word adds something, and isn't meaningless. Like, precisely, for an example. You are really watching this person with a close eye to notice that precise.

So my biggest nitpick here is that the two stanzas don't go well together. Look at them closely. The first has a distinct style. So does the second. But they aren't the same style. Don't get me wrong! Both of them are really pretty, and I can understand and visualize everything you describe, and I think both are just amazing, but they don't seem to go well together. I don't think they match very well. One has beautiful images, and the other has numbers.

Okayy... So I really loved this poem, Chippy. I like how this work centered around not just tears, but that everyone is special. That everyone, no matter how many times they fall and begin to doubt themselves, will get up and continue where they left off, whole once more. The person that this poem seems to be about is afraid, not despaired. It seems to be that they are afraid of what they don't know, and you are trying to pull them out, trying to convince them that everyone is just like they are--made 70% of water.

Beautiful poem. :)
~Darth Timmyjake




User avatar
861 Reviews


Points: 29596
Reviews: 861

Donate
Tue Apr 22, 2014 11:40 pm
View Likes
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there!

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

At first glance, this is good. It brings out emotion. It's swirling and intense.

I don't know if I find this work exactly fabulous yet, though.

I like your technique that uses the percentages. However, I don't know if it is as effective as everyone seems to think it is. It gets a bit list-y after a while, and while you're saying something, the way you're saying it quickly gets boring and uninteresting. Use your percentages, but don't use so many. Try spreading them out, or saying some of them differently.

The ideas are used. Overused, I would say. I have a Tumblr, and let me tell you, I see a poem about someone being an infinite sea or part of a star about twice a day. The idea is nice, but there are so many more ways to say this than telling them that they are an ocean. The image of the ocean is overused. It's big.

This poem also reminded me of this quote from Doctor Who:

All the elements in your body were forged many, many millions of years ago in the heart of a far away star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. After so, so many millions of years these elements came together to form new stars and new planets. And on and on it went. The elements came together and burst apart forming shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. Until, eventually, they came together to make you. You are unique in the universe.
I feel that this might have been inspired by this, or by poems that were inspired by this.

My advice to you is to change what you compare the other to in this poem. Don't compare them to big things. Find the infinite in the tiniest things. What makes you feel infinite? Let's look at an example.
I find that the wind makes me feel infinite. Why does the wind make me feel infinite? The smell of new growth that comes with it. Why does that make me feel infinite? Because I am privileged enough to know that some new plant is growing somewhere, after the long winter.

So let's try it.
You are made of the green smell that accompanies wind.
You are the sprouting of new life out of the winter
that lasted too long.

That might still be a little overused, but not as overused as the sea and the stars. If you look at poetry through the ages, that's a lot of what you're going to find. If you want to stick with those symbols, look at the details of them, don't just list them and say they are endless and infinite. Be specific.

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Have a nice day and keep writing!




ChipsMcCoy says...


Thanks for the review



User avatar
191 Reviews


Points: 7136
Reviews: 191

Donate
Tue Apr 22, 2014 12:38 pm
Nargles says...



This is so good. I love it.
I like the whole percent thing and how you have created a really strong image.
Good job!




ChipsMcCoy says...


Thanks!



User avatar
101 Reviews


Points: 654
Reviews: 101

Donate
Tue Apr 22, 2014 1:44 am
View Likes
MysteryMe wrote a review...



Hi there! It's MysteryMe! Here for a quick (rather pathetic) review!

I'm not much of a poem person, so I can't say much about improving this, but I just loved it too much not to say anything at all. So... here it is: This piece is simply too beautiful for words. You did an amazing job.

Imagery? Fantastic. Flow? Perfect. Grammar? No complaints.

My favorite part?

"Mosaics are made of broken pieces, but
they're still works of art and so are you."

Simply flawless. I can't say anything more.

I also laughed at the line: "Everyone you fear is merely 70% water. And everyone you love is 30% stardust." It's so true: both in a scientific perspective, and in the metaphorical way. This poem is just so incredibly clever and beautiful all at the same time. You have talent, honestly.

I know this wasn't too much help, but I hope I made you feel proud, at least! Keep writing!!! You're great at it!




ChipsMcCoy says...


Thank you so much.



User avatar
254 Reviews


Points: 11396
Reviews: 254

Donate
Mon Apr 21, 2014 8:02 pm
Sonder wrote a review...



Oh, wow. This is beautiful, the imagery is amazing. I love how you used measurements and percentages for items that aren't necessarily tangible. My favorite line, ever, it made me gasp it was so good, was

Mosaics are made from broken pieces, but
they're still works of art and so are you.

Oh ma gersh yes! I also loved the part about everyone you fear is 70% water, that made me laugh. Nothing to fear, your foes are merely liquid! XD
Great job. This definitely deserved the featured spot. :)

Keep writing and being amazing!

~GC




ChipsMcCoy says...


Thank You!



User avatar
57 Reviews


Points: 246
Reviews: 57

Donate
Sun Apr 20, 2014 7:31 pm
Weymouth wrote a review...



This is really, really good! I love the all the numbers spread throughout, it makes the poem feel kind of regular and brings in a storyline (kind of). I also really like the adjectives you've used, like "infinite stars" and "constellation of hope". I only have one nitpick with this, and that's line 5. I feel like it just kills the flow of the poem, try filling the line out.

I feel like i should say well done more than once, so here it is 120 times :D

Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!




ChipsMcCoy says...


Wow lol um glad you liked it



User avatar
272 Reviews


Points: 3455
Reviews: 272

Donate
Sun Apr 20, 2014 4:55 pm
cleverclogs wrote a review...



Wow, very inspiring. Your imagery is fantastic, and I love your metaphors.
My favorite line was, "Mosaics are made from broken pieces, but they're still works of art and so are you." It just radiates hope. The only thing I would suggest is clarifying who "you" in the poem is. I got the feeling that it was the reader, but might not be. Great job with this! I hope you keep writing!

Edit: I just reread your description, and realized that the "you" is the hurting individual you mentioned. Sorry about that!




ChipsMcCoy says...


Thank you.



User avatar
22 Reviews


Points: 434
Reviews: 22

Donate
Sun Apr 20, 2014 4:18 pm
Gingahcakes wrote a review...



I like this poem. I could feel the emotion put into it. You put in a lot of percents, but you made it work. I also like how you summed it up in the end with a 100%. That was perfect. It took a while for me to understand the percents, but I got it. You are very descriptive and I liked it. Good job and keep up the great work!




ChipsMcCoy says...


Thanks :)




History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
— Napoleon Bonaparte