Young Writers Society

One quick thing I'd like to say that also applies to your other poem I've read, Life Counts, is how you break up your lines. You kind of split the lines of your stanzas in weird spots that don't flow well. In my opinion, you should finish a "phrase" before you move on to the next line. Don't cut the line up in weird spots to keep lines the same length. UNLESS it's meant to be that way. Some poets want the rhythm to be "choppy" or the rhythm they create is unique and causes lines to be split up differently.
If that's what you wanted or how you like it, GREAT! Keep it how you want it. It's your poem. But if you didn't intend a rhythm or if you are looking for room for improvement, at least consider what I said.

One example is the first couple lines. "These dry bones have worn
away, and rusted into complete
nothingness."
In my opinion, if it's a part of a sentence, one word shouldn't be its own line.
A possible change would be, "These dry bones have worn away,
And rusted into complete nothingness."
It's a simple change, but only do it if you feel it would improve the piece.

On a positive note, I love your religious references. You're right; you will arise again into the light of love, but don't wait to make that happen. It can happen now. I'm assuming this is based on Christian beliefs, and if so, don't try too hard to be your own savior. Jesus wants to be our Savior; he wants us to depend on him for everything to show our trust and love for him.
Just remember it's never too late or too early.

Thanks for sharing your art on YWS!!

Hello, Sarah here to review for ya!

Now, I don't know much about poems (considering I've only written one), but I think this has really lived up to a poem's expectations. I love the use of description and metaphors, it gives me a nice little picture in my head to go along with the emotion you are trying to portray (which was given nicely, I must say). I like the idea of an insecure bird wanting to be strong and independent and accepted. The ending had me cheering for the bird to fulfill his dreams and be the important bird he always wanted to be. It gives the poem that realistic feel every work needs and I liked that a lot.

As for my nitpicks, I think your structure could have been a little better. You seemed to cut off phrases and then continue in the next line which took away from the flow of your words. Also, some lines ended a bit abruptly and I just think that for a poem like this, fluidity is really important.

Overall, I enjoyed your poem. I think it has amazing potential and your writing will definitely take you far if you continue with this! Great job and happy writing!

Hi.

I thought you said you were going to write happier works from now on. :p
I don't necessarily think this is happy.

These dry bones have worn
away, and rusted into complete
nothingness.

I've fallen from the nest and
out of grace.
I'm just a flightless bird unseen,
unheard, and rejected by nature.

Next time I'll be braver,
I'll be my own savior.
I will be free once again.

Hey, Retro here for a review.

First off i'll do a few nitpicks then talk about what I liked, okay?

Right, the first thing I want to talk about is the second stanza as i'm not sure it fits neatly within the piece. In the first stanza you have a lovely progression of different ideas which fit into one another, the same for the third but in the second it seems a little repetitive. And with that it seems a little wordy.

'My feathers only breathe heavy
sighs of relief, since they've lost
faith.
My wings are waiting to decay,
now that they've lost hope.
I wonder if there's a requiem
for a broken bird:'

Up to here you have me, as a reader, captivated and i'm thinking yes woo, you go! but then we have the second part.

'I hope my
last breath is a sigh of relief.
I've fallen from the nest and
out of grace.
I'm just a flightless bird unseen,
unheard, and rejected by nature'

It feels wordy, and slightly like it is mirroring the first part of the stanza. I feel like you should maybe get rid of someone of the personal pronouns and make it long sentences. Unless, if you're going for broken like the imagery then maybe have lots of periods, and change the form slightly because at the minute it seems a little bit stuck...Good, but stuck!

However, this is my only nitpick. I think the imagery you use in this piece is really good. Your beginning and end are very captivating and emotive, you have some really nice emotions actually in this. Sort of freedom versus entrapment within a nice analogy. And on grammar and what not I think it is pretty solid.

Well done,
here if you need me!
~Retro

Hey Chips, Weather here with a review.

Firstly well done on having your longest poem to date, it's written well too. You've used poetic devices such as pathetic fallacy, metaphors, similes and a subtle rhyme scheme and a generally inventive vocabulary. It's quite focused too.

I found the concept of a bird to be quite interesting, it can be interpreted in many different ways. I saw this as a bird which was mentally caged and had forgotten what it's like to fly as the bird is not free in its mind. It's mind is the cage which doesn't allow it to fly and have a "song" as bird do. The ending also gave me the interpretation that the bird is finally beginning to break out of the internal captivity and has gained confidence within itself "again", as its confidence was perhaps taken away.

My main critiques are that the second stanza was a little lengthy so you could break it up into two stanzas and it also addresses somewhat different concepts. It would also look more equal, but that's up to you.

I think the title of "Sovereign", fit in well with the last stanza most.


Overall, it was a good piece from you, don't hesitate to write more poetry like this Chips .

~WeatherMan