Shady back to rescue another chapter of yours from the Green Room! Can't wait to see what poor Raffie has waiting ahead of him! You're already familiar with my reviewing style so let's get started...
How could I be God? Raffie thought. How could I perform an act that would defy all teachings of the Bible; how could I defeat Death itself? Is it possible? Could I, Raphael Cortez, defeat Death, and be God’s equal? Could I?
No, you really can't, Raffie. Theological issues aside... aren't you like, six? Do you really think you can take on a monster like the one you saw? Hmm....
As the surge of angry confidence subsided, what remained was an eerie flatness, not quite actual calm, but something just above it, like passive rage that was ever-present but dull in all sense of the word.
Ooh, this is really great description of the emotion. A very powerful sentence! I really liked it!
He was a mystery, that man. One moment you thought he was one way, the next you see something different and form a new conclusion, after that you again spot another idiosyncrasy that suggests the creation of a new and different judgment.
So, this is a really good exposition about him. Nice description. However, it feels a little bit too soon. Why does Raffie already think he knows how Brent is? He's barely said a word to Raffie the entire night and they've only just met. It's not like Raffie has had a long time to observe him and form conclusions from that observation.
he felt no fear outside, yet was attacked by it upon entrance to the McCollins home.
BRENT IS THE MAN WHO ATTACKED HIS FAMILY ISN'T HE?
“On the floor, obviously.
So I remember that this story isn't set in America so the foster system might be different from what I'm familiar with. But I do have quite a bit of experience with foster care in America -- and this is supppppper unrealistic here.
In order to be approved to be foster parents you have to have a home study to prove that your house is safe for children -- and part of that is proving that you have a place for the children to reside, which includes having their own beds. Children of the same sex are allowed to share a room, but never a bed. Which means that there is no chance Raffie would have been placed into the care of this family if they did not already have a bed prepared for him.
“Emotional stability?” the doctor exclaimed. “That’s the least important thing to consider right now!”
This also seems extremely unrealistic. Social workers are super super concerned about the emotional and psychological stability of traumatized children in their care.
“Fine, but if you do this, I’m deducting this entire week’s pay from your monthly check.”
I... don't? understand this? At all? This would be going above and beyond the call of duty. Why in the world would he deduct a week's pay for her doing extra work?
“Anyway,” he returned to the conversation, “I’ll get the couch set up for him, and you can bring him on up.”
I REALLY love this <3 I love how supportive Jim is. Like, he didn't get any heads up, no nothing. And yet she walks in and explains and bam, he is totally willing to open up his home to help a child in need. That is really heart warming.
~ ~ ~
Okay! I think this chapter was significantly better than your first two, honestly. I felt a lot more of an emotional grip and connection with the characters and the awful situation the brothers are in. I am still highly skeptical of the way you describe the foster system here and it really doesn't seem realistic at all, which detracts a bit from the overall story arch, but I also think it's setting up for a tragic plot twist later on so that's good.
This chapter is better in length than the previous ones were, but it's still a bit too long. I'd recommend a chapter break where you switch perspectives. It's already a natural break in the action and is about at the halfway point, which is about the size that you want your chapters to be anyway.
I think that's all I've got to say about this chapter, though!
This is a great story. My only problems are- well, it's a bit stereotypical, isn't it? The over religious, god-fearing latino/Hispanic young boy? And his name, "Raphael Cortez", I mean, geez! How typical can you get? As a Hispanic person, this is almost funny. I also think that Irene would not have believed the children so easily in thinking that the devil himself was outside their door, no matter how religious she was herself. Also another thing- when Jesus says “No está mal,” the proper grammar should be "No estoy mal." Just a few tips from a fluent Spanish speaker! Good job and keep writing!
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These were autumn mornings, the time of year when kings of old went forth to conquest; and I, never stirring from my little corner in Calcutta, would let my mind wander over the whole world. — Rabindranath Tagore, The Cabuliwallah
Hey Amadeus,
Shady back to rescue another chapter of yours from the Green Room! Can't wait to see what poor Raffie has waiting ahead of him! You're already familiar with my reviewing style so let's get started...
No, you really can't, Raffie. Theological issues aside... aren't you like, six? Do you really think you can take on a monster like the one you saw? Hmm....
Ooh, this is really great description of the emotion. A very powerful sentence! I really liked it!
So, this is a really good exposition about him. Nice description. However, it feels a little bit too soon. Why does Raffie already think he knows how Brent is? He's barely said a word to Raffie the entire night and they've only just met. It's not like Raffie has had a long time to observe him and form conclusions from that observation.
BRENT IS THE MAN WHO ATTACKED HIS FAMILY ISN'T HE?
So I remember that this story isn't set in America so the foster system might be different from what I'm familiar with. But I do have quite a bit of experience with foster care in America -- and this is supppppper unrealistic here.
In order to be approved to be foster parents you have to have a home study to prove that your house is safe for children -- and part of that is proving that you have a place for the children to reside, which includes having their own beds. Children of the same sex are allowed to share a room, but never a bed. Which means that there is no chance Raffie would have been placed into the care of this family if they did not already have a bed prepared for him.
This also seems extremely unrealistic. Social workers are super super concerned about the emotional and psychological stability of traumatized children in their care.
I... don't? understand this? At all? This would be going above and beyond the call of duty. Why in the world would he deduct a week's pay for her doing extra work?
I REALLY love this <3 I love how supportive Jim is. Like, he didn't get any heads up, no nothing. And yet she walks in and explains and bam, he is totally willing to open up his home to help a child in need. That is really heart warming.
~ ~ ~
Okay! I think this chapter was significantly better than your first two, honestly. I felt a lot more of an emotional grip and connection with the characters and the awful situation the brothers are in. I am still highly skeptical of the way you describe the foster system here and it really doesn't seem realistic at all, which detracts a bit from the overall story arch, but I also think it's setting up for a tragic plot twist later on so that's good.
This chapter is better in length than the previous ones were, but it's still a bit too long. I'd recommend a chapter break where you switch perspectives. It's already a natural break in the action and is about at the halfway point, which is about the size that you want your chapters to be anyway.
I think that's all I've got to say about this chapter, though!
Keep writing!
~Shady
This is a great story. My only problems are- well, it's a bit stereotypical, isn't it? The over religious, god-fearing latino/Hispanic young boy? And his name, "Raphael Cortez", I mean, geez! How typical can you get? As a Hispanic person, this is almost funny. I also think that Irene would not have believed the children so easily in thinking that the devil himself was outside their door, no matter how religious she was herself. Also another thing- when Jesus says “No está mal,” the proper grammar should be "No estoy mal." Just a few tips from a fluent Spanish speaker!
Good job and keep writing!
Thank you! Since I know nothing about Hispanic culture, I am definitely eager to be corrected if I am off about something!
Would you be interested in reading the subsequent chapters? I really value constructive feedback!
Yeah, no problem!