Shadows; Part 2 of Entry 5

Hello hello!! Dusting off the cobwebs and writing my first review in a minute.

I apologize that I haven't read the first installment so I won't have all of the context, but what I've gathered is that we have our MC who has a special ability he's still figuring out, and this cop is looking out for him for some reason. I'm not super clear on the plot (what the MC wants, what's standing in his way, and why it matters) but that may have been established in the first segment.

Anyway!
There are two main things I wanted to mention after reading this segment and they sort of go together. 1. I want more showing. 2. I want more description.

I was super intrigued when he mentioned trying not to get stabbed at school and that being the first time he discovered this ability. This is listed as a novel chapter, so I'm assuming this will be a much longer work with plenty of time and space to expand things. This is a scene I would love to see! I would love to be in that moment with him in the lunchroom, terrified because someone is coming at him, how his ability came out the first time, how everyone reacted around him, his immediate reaction and theory about what happened.

I'm also always super intrigued when I read stories that take place outside of what I'm familiar with. I'm familiar with Skid Row, but I don't know a ton about Skid Row. When they roll in, I want to feel that neighborhood. Transport me. I want to know the sounds, smells, see what people are doing, etc. I'm thinking about The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas, which takes place in a rough neighborhood, and how visual she made it.

The final portion when he finds his step-mom barely hanging on to life and they have to go to the hospital - I want that to be more emotional and I want the drama upped. Not the melodrama, more the emotional stakes. Show me his feelings. Let me feel the fear along with him. What will it mean for him if she dies or if she has to go away to rehab? Is he embarrassed they found her this way or is this a common thing?

Overall though I think there's a lot of potential here and I think you have an intriguing concept. I liked that we got to see a little bit of his ability and how it helped them. Are there times when it's less helpful? (or is it too soon for him to find any unhelpful parts yet?)

I'm going to head on over to the next segment because they've been in the green room far too long! But let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention!

Wesh! Professor Jade here with a review. I've never read any of this before, so excuse me if some of my comments make no sense with your story plot. OK? Let's just get to it.

I'll be going through this practically line by line and stopping whenever UI see something I want to point out.

"I was glad he changed the subject. I was starting to get weary of dragging myself through my past.

We left the precinct and entered his car. Next to us, another police car pulled out. Brady looked over, met eyes with them, and saluted them. I chuckled silently because of their playful use of the military salute before heading off. I wasn’t sure at first if the people next to us were on the same job or not, but after getting on the road, with them following us for a while, it was made clear that they had the same destination as we did."

OK, this is an amazing way of capturing our (meaning the readers') attention. It gives me the feeling you left the last on a cliffhanger.

He drove for about a quarter of a mile more. “There,” I said, pointing to a shack approaching us on the right. Brady pulled over next to the house, and the second police car that followed us did the same.

“What a dump,” Brady whispered under his breath in amazement. I made no comment.

This is where I suggest adding more detail to your story. I want to be able to see this in my mind's eye. When I do detail I think of four of the senses. Sight, hearing, smell, and feel. You don't need to do taste, unless your character licks everything. Just explain the way they feel (physically or mentally), the smell of the area, the sounds of it, and what it looks like.

Brady put his phone away. “That was my wife, Jayden,” he said to me.

“I figured as much.”

Dr. Timur came out a moment later. “Alright, my friends! You can go see her now!”

To be continued...

Good ending! The cliffhanger is a great way to draw suspense. I kind of have shivers down my spine.

OVERALL: I like this and Ill be reading the first parts. I did see a few spelling and grammar mistakes but I won't nit-pick. Good job and I hope to see more of your writing. Please don't take any of this personally and I hope it helped !

-Professor Jade