Hey there! I missed Review Day but let me help you get this piece out of the Green Room!
Your character is very likeable and approachable, but this was countered by the fact that it took me a while to figure out his name or sex. I think knowing something off the bat, maybe seeing a journal in his room with his name or something similar would have been helpful. The introduction was Claudia drunkenly saying his name actually made it harder to guess his name. Knowing his name and that he's a guy makes it easier to know and relate to the character.
Since this is written with a date at the top, I think a better ending would have been to end with the ending of that day. It would make more sense to do it so that there's a break at the end of the day, because it's all taking place in that time frame. As it is, it just trails off. The cliffhanger isn't really all that strong, since it's just them leaving to get his stepmom, and it doesn't really seem compelling to continue to read it. I think it needs to be expanded and then finished more completely so that the timeline makes more sense to the reader.
While overall, I think your writing style is a good, clean style, I actually agree with what was said before about the formatting being a bit confusing. It seems like it's written in journal style, but then it switches to first-person narrative. Just something to consider.
Thanks for the review! In case you didn't realize, this post is the 3rd installment in the story, so you missed Luther being introduced in the first chapter. See Shadows; Entries 1&2, and Shadows; Entries 3&4 for the beginning of the story.
Hey AmadeusW, blue team here to get you out of the Green Room!
Even though I haven't read the rest of this work, I liked your descriptions of your surroundings, and I got a good feel for the characters. I'm not sure what the world-building is here, but I'll do my best with what I've read here.
If you're going for an actual diary-entry feel, you're going to want to rewrite this in a different style. First of all, I don't know anyone who includes dialogue in their diary entries, or at least writes it like their life is a novel. It doesn't feel real to me, especially if this kid is from a disadvantaged background.
You can make your characters however you want to, but I just want you to know my reactions upon reading the dialogue and inner monologue of the main character. I was already rolling my eyes at how inflated Luther's ego is in the first paragraph. If you're trying to make him into a smart character, try taking out the feelings of superiority. He's annoying and not very likable. He also turns his nose up at the officer's attempt to be kind to him, which further illustrates that he thinks that he's better than everyone else.
That brings me to another point. The officer doesn't seem very realistic. Being that vulnerable with a kid, as much as to give away that his partner was killed, within the first day of meeting a child, seems far-fetched. Perhaps make him a little more guarded, and then further on in the story we can find out about his partner.
Overall, this part felt like it was an exposition dump. "This happened, then this happened, then we rescued my step-mom." It doesn't feel like it moves naturally. Rewriting this part to be more of a diary entry, with much quicker pacing and fewer nitty-gritty details, will really help the feel of this piece. I would definitely consider revising the style in which this is written. If you're looking for inspiration, The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky or if you're looking for a darker read, [quote]Go Ask Alice[/i] by Anonymous are good places to start for diary-style writing. They might skip out on some details, but all the important bits are there, and can really highlight what you need in this style.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Keep writing, and keep YWSing!
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Hey there! I missed Review Day but let me help you get this piece out of the Green Room!
Your character is very likeable and approachable, but this was countered by the fact that it took me a while to figure out his name or sex. I think knowing something off the bat, maybe seeing a journal in his room with his name or something similar would have been helpful. The introduction was Claudia drunkenly saying his name actually made it harder to guess his name. Knowing his name and that he's a guy makes it easier to know and relate to the character.
Since this is written with a date at the top, I think a better ending would have been to end with the ending of that day. It would make more sense to do it so that there's a break at the end of the day, because it's all taking place in that time frame. As it is, it just trails off. The cliffhanger isn't really all that strong, since it's just them leaving to get his stepmom, and it doesn't really seem compelling to continue to read it. I think it needs to be expanded and then finished more completely so that the timeline makes more sense to the reader.
While overall, I think your writing style is a good, clean style, I actually agree with what was said before about the formatting being a bit confusing. It seems like it's written in journal style, but then it switches to first-person narrative. Just something to consider.
Happy Writing!
Toboldlygo
Thanks for the review! In case you didn't realize, this post is the 3rd installment in the story, so you missed Luther being introduced in the first chapter. See Shadows; Entries 1&2, and Shadows; Entries 3&4 for the beginning of the story.
That makes more sense.
I saw "Entry 1 of 5" and assumed it was a five part story.
Hey AmadeusW, blue team here to get you out of the Green Room!
Even though I haven't read the rest of this work, I liked your descriptions of your surroundings, and I got a good feel for the characters. I'm not sure what the world-building is here, but I'll do my best with what I've read here.
If you're going for an actual diary-entry feel, you're going to want to rewrite this in a different style. First of all, I don't know anyone who includes dialogue in their diary entries, or at least writes it like their life is a novel. It doesn't feel real to me, especially if this kid is from a disadvantaged background.
You can make your characters however you want to, but I just want you to know my reactions upon reading the dialogue and inner monologue of the main character. I was already rolling my eyes at how inflated Luther's ego is in the first paragraph. If you're trying to make him into a smart character, try taking out the feelings of superiority. He's annoying and not very likable. He also turns his nose up at the officer's attempt to be kind to him, which further illustrates that he thinks that he's better than everyone else.
That brings me to another point. The officer doesn't seem very realistic. Being that vulnerable with a kid, as much as to give away that his partner was killed, within the first day of meeting a child, seems far-fetched. Perhaps make him a little more guarded, and then further on in the story we can find out about his partner.
Overall, this part felt like it was an exposition dump. "This happened, then this happened, then we rescued my step-mom." It doesn't feel like it moves naturally. Rewriting this part to be more of a diary entry, with much quicker pacing and fewer nitty-gritty details, will really help the feel of this piece. I would definitely consider revising the style in which this is written. If you're looking for inspiration, The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky or if you're looking for a darker read, [quote]Go Ask Alice[/i] by Anonymous are good places to start for diary-style writing. They might skip out on some details, but all the important bits are there, and can really highlight what you need in this style.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Keep writing, and keep YWSing!
Thank you for your candid review! I love receiving straight critiques no chasers, and I love improving my writing!
I am in love with this!
Amazing work!