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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hello! This was a beautiful-sounding piece and a real pleasure to read. From what I gather, the narrative is relatively straightforward: a man returns to sing his praises to Night, whom he previously did not court out of fear she would not return his feelings. You've done terrific work with the rhyming and rhythm in my opinion, and I could envision this tortured lover in my mind as if watching a play.
There seems to be a bit of a contradiction between the first and third stanzas. In the first stanza, this person says he wants to know Night's soul, but in the third stanza, he says her soul was in his memory all along. Was this intentional? It doesn't seem to work since the first stanza occurs in the present after he discovered her soul in his memory.
Besides this, I understand that "a drop of water in the sea" tries to convey that her soul was hard to find. However, if it was as hard to see as a tiny drop of water in the sea, how did he know that it "always" travels back to him? Was there a particular event that triggered his realisation? Perhaps extending the metaphor to explain that would be good.
Finally, one minor comment: in the last stanza, writing 'again once more' followed by 'one final chance' feels a bit redundant.
That is all from me. Overall, this was a really good piece. I hope these comments are helpful!
Thank you for the review! I see your point about the contradiction; I should put the line "My heart yearns to know thy soul" in past-tense, because it is intentional actually that there are two different statements about the soul, but one should be in the past while one is in the present, to get the message across that the man had yearned to know her soul, but had no idea that her soul had been in his mind all along.
I also see what you mean about the two statements side by side sounding redundant. I added a bunch of extra words to make the rhythm work, but I can do better!
Ooh, I like how you changed the 'drop of water' metaphor. I also like how you improved that line in the last stanza, though I think you could leave out the 'to have' in that sentence. "And I once more desire the chance to be with you." seems adequate, in my opinion. Great work!
Thanks for taking the time to look it over again!
No problem!
Hey! Luke here for a short review.
So, I did really enjoy this poem. At first glance, you do have quite a convincing Shakespearean style to the piece, and the general narrative is well written, pushing the poem forward at a steady pace, so well done.
I do have a few tiny nitpicks though. Firstly, Shakespearean poetry in general (this is no absolute rule of thumb) tended to more implicit in meabing than you are here- it uses more imagery and metaphor to convey the message to an audience. More show and less tell. Perhaps this is a stylistic choice to bring a more modern twist to the poem. In which case, continuez s'il vous plait. But, for me, it's just a little bit jarring. That being said, I'm not a big fan of the preface. I find it unnecessary, and it draws the audience to a conclusion, rather than allowing them to reach their own interpretation. So maybe consider revising that. Remember that poetry has the aim of causing emotion, rather than forcing it.
On the whole though, I did enjoy the poem, it's very well written
Keep writing,
Luke
Thank you for the review! I will definitely consider revising or even removing the preface.