Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey AmadeusW! I'll be stopping be to drop a review for you here today
I haven't read the first chapter to this. I'll try to avoid commenting on anything that I might have known had I done so, but if I do, please take what I say with a grain of salt.
This... seems like an odd thing for someone to get upset over? I mean, I'm not rich and don't get huffy about little things, but this just seems like an odd thing to say "Don't insult my intelligence" to.
First off, you'll want to clarify that it's Mario that you're talking of. Secondly, what poise?
As opposed to "bad" notice?
[quote[Mario's wife was mad as a bat out of hell,[/quote]
"A bat out of hell" is a phrase used to describe someone trying to escape quickly, not used as an evaluation of how angry someone is.
Are you referring to an actual servant or a bellhop?
Glad that she "directed" her gaze into a "direction" (I'm sorry. Sarcasm aside, this is a bit repetitive though)
Well, for one thing, I'm glad her expression is "silent" and not noisy. I hate it when my facial expressions are noisy.
Really though, this is a strangely written sentence? Why couldn't it just be "the pain across her features returned." ?
I haven't commented on it because this reads like a journal, but you use "I feel" a lot, which is telling. It's all right if this is meant to be a journal though, since not everyone writes in the same way (and you don't worry about telling vs. showing when you're writing a journal). I wanted to bring it up so you knew, but like I said, I think this is something like a journal entry.
On another note, this is written eloquently, which I'm sure you did to enhance the story. This is all good (and I like the style well enough!), but I do want to bring up characterisation. Is the character writing this that eloquent? What was their education like? (I say this as someone who used to work in a manual labour job at my stable and as someone who is a writer, so I'm not saying it's implausible for this to happen, I'm just wondering in terms of who this character is and what kind of life they've had, and how they're interests align with what they do and so forth. Also, I'm not sure what time period this is set in? So, I guess take that into the equation as well)
When did he try??
He's not allowed to just Not Be Into That?
I have to wonder why this woman came onto the protagonist anyway? I mean, what was the purpose? Was it because her husband was abusive and she just wanted an escape?
Idk, it feels off to me, I guess? I'm not too thrilled with how the protagonist handles it in terms of "why don't I want to JUMP her" cause like... people don't want to have sex sometimes. It's not weird, it's not unnatural. I'm also not big on having a woman just... throw herself at a male protagonist like this.
A little technical thing I want to bring up too (that I literally just abused in my last paragraph) is how many ellipses you use. Ellipses are like frosting, or spice. They're a little something extra to add to prose. They aren't like commas or periods, which pop up often. When you use ellipses too much, they start to lose the impact they're supposed to have. So, when using them, be careful of how often you do so!
I wish there was some more description of the hotel, though I don't know if you did this in the first chapter, so I'll leave this as more of a general suggestion rather than a hard recommendation.
Circling back to your writing style- I like it! It's clean, and flows well! I wouldn't have said anything about it before if you hadn't introduced the chapter in that sort of opening, journal-y format, because I would have assumed it was just in first person perspective.
I am going to agree with Asith, however, about your dialogue. How often do people speak eloquently as such in real life? I'll admit I have written dialogue similar to this, though I did it to add a more dated feel to the piece. I'm not sure if that's what you were trying to do here (if you were, please feel free to ignore me!)
It doesn't bother me much though, honestly, so it's kind of a "take it or leave it" situation.
Otherwise, good job on this piece! If you have any comments or questions about anything I said, please let me know!
I hope you have a fabulous day, and Happy RevMo!
Hello again! I couldn't help but keep reading, so I thought I might as well keep reviewing this too. I'm just going to jot down my thoughts as I read, so excuse the list format :p
She was a posh Italian lady wearing a black feather shawl when she waltzed in with her millionaire husband Mario around seven at night.
This sentence's wording is off. It makes it sound like she stopped being a posh Italian lady after she waltzed in.
“Not to me, madame. To other men you will appear as the lustrous light that makes the moon drive them to lunacy, but not I.”
“I feel nothing for you, madame, no matter how much I try. I couldn’t tell you why, for I don’t know why, myself.”
Okay, these two bits of speech caught me off-guard. I think there's a large uncertainty as to how articulate your main character is. He's clearly very literate in his writing, but his dialogue up to this point has always been relatively colloquial. It felt very odd to see him spewing borderline poetry in speech; especially during such a high-tension situation: Look at how these bits of speech contrast with these others:
“Would you like me to finish cleaning your hotel room?” I asked her gently.
“Sorry, man. How about we don’t talk about that.” [chapter 1]
“So, what are you planning to do for the rest of your life?” [chapter 1]
It just seemed a little off. The most eloquent I remember this character being is in Chapter 1, when he spoke about no Hellfire being hot enough for the monster. The fact that I actually noticed it while reading through it might mean that it's something you should revise.
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General remarks about this chapter include the fact that I really liked reading it, somehow even more so than the first, even though that was ore exciting. I how you've introduced a new side of the main character's morals, and created a side-conflict. I also think your pacing was far better in general, and I look forward to reading more!