The Dark Revenant - Chapter 3

Hello AmadeusW! I saw your profile post about this new novel, and I thought I would pop by and give a few notes on this. I'll mostly talk about what I liked and what I didn't like.

First, what I liked about this chapter. I think that this is an interesting premise and certainly brings up questions as to what could be going on in this main character's life. If this is set in London, I'm curious if there will be any true British slang/twists on words or if that is better left to other details. I appreciate getting a look into the current setting and establishing the town around the MC, Ryan, but sometimes I'm a bit perplexed by when everything happened and when the narrator is actually chronicling his life. There aren't too many clear moments especially because time skips are prevalent in this novel even early on.

Next, what I didn't like as much about this chapter. I am a stickler for what tenses/views I like to read books in, so to be fair, a first-person with both the present tense and the past tense isn't my cup of tea. If this is the style you enjoy, then of course, continue along with it, but I do have a few things to say concerning the overall style. As mentioned before, too many time skips can really throw off a reader, especially if there's anything like a journal-entry section or depiction. The inclusion of a narrator that is simply going over all of these things in his head can really confuse the reader in addition to the non-inclusion of any scene breaks [dashes ---- or asterisks ** to denote a change in scene] can only add to the stress of continuing with the narrative.

As far as the narrative goes itself, I do like the description of London with the weather and the time of day, but this chapter felt rather short and didn't seem too eventful. The past chapters do carry more words and length naturally than this one, and I wonder if there could be a way of splitting this chapter and the previous one to more comparative lengths.

Overall, this is an interesting idea, but I think a few modifications to the overall style and arrangement of this story could really help with the continuity issues and keeping your readers engaged.

Here to review chapter 3

Firstly, I'd like to say the beginning was a bit jarring. Having just read chapter 2, I found the change in tone extremely sudden. I know that a good amount of time has passed in the story, but it was still a little abrupt for a reader. Just letting you know :p

I like this chapter for the fact that it returns to the bulk of the story, and I enjoy where it is going. However, there's something missing here, and I apologize profusely because I don't know what it is. Something about the appearance of the man, the stand-off, the short conversation, and the fact that your main character is writing a memoir before investigating this massive lead all feel... hollow. I enjoyed your descriptions of the world far more than the action. This isn't to say that any of it was written badly -- your mastery of the written-word remains strong -- it's just the quality of the narrative that seems to have fallen in comparison to the previous chapters. I think a simple revision would help greatly. Perhaps you wrote the latter half of this chapter in a rush? I'd recommend re-focusing on character actions. Would the main character really stumble back in disbelief after the man says he knows who killed his parents? Even after he remained stoic when the man said his name? And if this is such a massive, impactful lead for the main character's primary objective, I wonder whether he would be able to write down a recount of the scene before calling the number.

Now, this may all be based on my perspective. Perhaps feedback from other readers would be nice, before you make any rash changes, just in case. Regardless, I have not begun to dislike the story whatsoever. It's still gripping, so you've got that sorted!