Hi there Amadeus. Saw that a few entries of this story were stuck in the back of the Green Room, so I figured I would try and stop by to review this. I've scanned through the earlier sections of this so hopefully, I have an idea of what's going on.
A couple of short things I want to go over here. I think this reads as an interesting idea, the troubles of a young kid living in a not-so-perfect neighborhood with a tough family situation too. I can feel sympathy for Luther for sure, but I'm not quite sure if I like the narration style here, with how he's kind reciting all of these events in a blend of the present and past tense all at once. I think what throws me off the most are the time skips of a few months, of a few years, all in two or three paragraphs to start this section of the story. If you want to include time skips, that's fine, but I would rather just a summary of "It had been a few years since my father remarried. I didn't understand what he saw in Claudia, but she became my stepmother either way." And then continue with the memories, but link them in a slightly kinder way for the reader, as a bunch of time skips can lead to the reader trying to know what year it is, how old the narrator was, and if both parts make sense.
That's part of my criticism as well, is that since this is being recited as a way of someone telling their entire back story to another person, the narration part falls flat. With some of the lines in here, a typical youngster wouldn't speak of things in this way. I do find it kind of funny that he was so against Claudia for what really seems like no reason besides the fact that she got together with his father. That part seems a little harsh, on how much Luther easily hated someone who never treated him poorly and seemed fair enough. I think I would almost rather have a memory of them meeting for the first time rather than being told of that in point-blank range, sentence after sentence of background information.
I'm a little perplexed by how he got to get off campus during school hours? I didn't think many schools still let kids do that, but I suppose it can still be applicable here. Continuing on, the second half of this story flows decently well. I was saddened that Claudia became much more of an addict than before, as that's a tough situation for a step-mother and a step-son alike. I'm a little surprised that some random person on the street would remember enough from the television to know who exactly was in jail, but I guess good for them? I can understand trying to get a heart-pumping scene to then show the character's powers and how they first form when they're in danger, but I don't know if this seems too realistic in recognizing someone's face from a story about their father nearly a year ago, and that they would try so hard to get a stranger to do drugs. I've never been in that kind of situation before though so I don't have much knowledge on that.
Overall, this is an interesting premise, but I think I would rather read this as a more simple novel-style book rather than the main character telling another person his backstory.
I just read the second part of your story and though I should leave you another comment. It is review day after all, and I am kind of hooked to your story!
So this was a pleasant surprise! It is much better than the first one I read before! You don't have so many information dumps or long, tiring sentences in this one!
You have both imagery and your characters interact with each other in a very descriptive manner. I really enjoyed your attention to detail and the constant plot twists.
I can see your characters feelings changing throughout the text. How he first hated his father's girlfriend but then supported her and tried to stand by her. I also liked the descriptions of the ghetto and how even though the protagonist was afraid, he told those kids off. Great plot twist, even though I didn't really understand the invisibility thing. I do get what you wanted to do there but while I read it got a bit confusing.
Other than that you have to look out for mistakes in formation. Even though your sentences weren't as long, your few paragraphs were way too big.
Overall it was a great read, it had more dialogue than the previous and I enjoyed that. You are good and expressive with dialogues and conversations.
I just read the second part of your story and though I should leave you another comment. It is review day after all, and I am kind of hooked to your story!
So this was a pleasant surprise! It is much better than the first one I read before! You don't have so many information dumps or long, tiring sentences in this one!
You have both imagery and your characters interact with each other in a very descriptive manner. I really enjoyed your attention to detail and the constant plot twists.
I can see your characters feelings changing throughout the text. How he first hated his father's girlfriend but then supported her and tried to stand by her. I also liked the descriptions of the ghetto and how even though the protagonist was afraid, he told those kids off. Great plot twist, even though I didn't really understand the invisibility thing. I do get what you wanted to do there but while I read it got a bit confusing.
Other than that you have to look out for mistakes in formation. Even though your sentences weren't as long, your few paragraphs were way too big.
Overall it was a great read, it had more dialogue than the previous and I enjoyed that. You are good and expressive with dialogues and conversations.
Keep up the good work!
Best regards Kostia
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Hi there Amadeus. Saw that a few entries of this story were stuck in the back of the Green Room, so I figured I would try and stop by to review this. I've scanned through the earlier sections of this so hopefully, I have an idea of what's going on.
A couple of short things I want to go over here. I think this reads as an interesting idea, the troubles of a young kid living in a not-so-perfect neighborhood with a tough family situation too. I can feel sympathy for Luther for sure, but I'm not quite sure if I like the narration style here, with how he's kind reciting all of these events in a blend of the present and past tense all at once. I think what throws me off the most are the time skips of a few months, of a few years, all in two or three paragraphs to start this section of the story. If you want to include time skips, that's fine, but I would rather just a summary of "It had been a few years since my father remarried. I didn't understand what he saw in Claudia, but she became my stepmother either way." And then continue with the memories, but link them in a slightly kinder way for the reader, as a bunch of time skips can lead to the reader trying to know what year it is, how old the narrator was, and if both parts make sense.
That's part of my criticism as well, is that since this is being recited as a way of someone telling their entire back story to another person, the narration part falls flat. With some of the lines in here, a typical youngster wouldn't speak of things in this way. I do find it kind of funny that he was so against Claudia for what really seems like no reason besides the fact that she got together with his father. That part seems a little harsh, on how much Luther easily hated someone who never treated him poorly and seemed fair enough. I think I would almost rather have a memory of them meeting for the first time rather than being told of that in point-blank range, sentence after sentence of background information.
I'm a little perplexed by how he got to get off campus during school hours? I didn't think many schools still let kids do that, but I suppose it can still be applicable here. Continuing on, the second half of this story flows decently well. I was saddened that Claudia became much more of an addict than before, as that's a tough situation for a step-mother and a step-son alike. I'm a little surprised that some random person on the street would remember enough from the television to know who exactly was in jail, but I guess good for them? I can understand trying to get a heart-pumping scene to then show the character's powers and how they first form when they're in danger, but I don't know if this seems too realistic in recognizing someone's face from a story about their father nearly a year ago, and that they would try so hard to get a stranger to do drugs. I've never been in that kind of situation before though so I don't have much knowledge on that.
Overall, this is an interesting premise, but I think I would rather read this as a more simple novel-style book rather than the main character telling another person his backstory.
Thanks for the review!
Hello again, AmadeusW!
I just read the second part of your story and though I should leave you another comment. It is review day after all, and I am kind of hooked to your story!
So this was a pleasant surprise! It is much better than the first one I read before! You don't have so many information dumps or long, tiring sentences in this one!
You have both imagery and your characters interact with each other in a very descriptive manner. I really enjoyed your attention to detail and the constant plot twists.
I can see your characters feelings changing throughout the text. How he first hated his father's girlfriend but then supported her and tried to stand by her. I also liked the descriptions of the ghetto and how even though the protagonist was afraid, he told those kids off. Great plot twist, even though I didn't really understand the invisibility thing. I do get what you wanted to do there but while I read it got a bit confusing.
Other than that you have to look out for mistakes in formation. Even though your sentences weren't as long, your few paragraphs were way too big.
Overall it was a great read, it had more dialogue than the previous and I enjoyed that. You are good and expressive with dialogues and conversations.
Keep up the good work!
Best regards
Kostia
Thanks again for reviewing!
Hello again, AmadeusW!
I just read the second part of your story and though I should leave you another comment. It is review day after all, and I am kind of hooked to your story!
So this was a pleasant surprise! It is much better than the first one I read before! You don't have so many information dumps or long, tiring sentences in this one!
You have both imagery and your characters interact with each other in a very descriptive manner. I really enjoyed your attention to detail and the constant plot twists.
I can see your characters feelings changing throughout the text. How he first hated his father's girlfriend but then supported her and tried to stand by her. I also liked the descriptions of the ghetto and how even though the protagonist was afraid, he told those kids off. Great plot twist, even though I didn't really understand the invisibility thing. I do get what you wanted to do there but while I read it got a bit confusing.
Other than that you have to look out for mistakes in formation. Even though your sentences weren't as long, your few paragraphs were way too big.
Overall it was a great read, it had more dialogue than the previous and I enjoyed that. You are good and expressive with dialogues and conversations.
Keep up the good work!
Best regards
Kostia