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138,368 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
Holy shit I love this! It flows so well and can be so many different things depending on how you take it. Punctuation is on point and definitely adds to this poem. I can't say anything in ways of a criticism, its great. Thank you for sharing it!!
-Laci <3
Aw, thanks. c:
Shadow,
Now, I just want to say that I hope to see you more in the poetry realm of things. I at least hope that this poem was enjoyable for you to write, I always used to like playing with rhymes, myself. I also appreciate your experimentation with flow, rhythm, rhymes - I think you pulled it off flawlessly, it sounds great and flows smoothly when you read it out loud and I didn't feel as though there were much (if any) trouble spots (as far as flow goes). So let's move on from that and talk improvements/suggestions.
I'm always (fashionably) late to the party, but don't think I ain't coming
I haven't read your previous reviews, so I may be repeating things, but what I found mainly was that the poem dragged. Particularly the 4th and 5th stanzas I feel you can eliminate them completely and still achieve the same effect. Meanwhile stanzas 1 and 2 practically carry the same meaning, just written out differently, and the same can be said with stanzas 6 & 7. What kept this poem from being more enjoyable for me was the last stanza, particularly this line:
Out of the entire poem, this part felt forced to me. What was coming for you [the speaker]? And as for words being the answer to the puzzle, I felt it was a bit anti-climatic.
Also, there are many things I think of when I think of the power of words and why I love them - they can start wars, and they can make you smile, or make you cry. They can make you understand, or make you better, or make you YOU, they connect us all -- all of these things have been said before, I'm not really saying anything new, yet some of the things in this poem; words being things many hate, light or dark, locked in our hearts -- that's pretty general and not really interesting.
The way to keep your poems interesting is by using images.
is all very nice and good. But when you have something like:
words a'strut and a'sway a fine swing
pirouetting they'll spin tales for me
what you end up bringing to the poem is action, excitement, and style. It's also a lot more interesting. Instead of telling the readers, "hey, these words dance in meter!" -- illustrate it! Like I've done with the first line. In one line, I've managed to capture this idea of music, dancing words, and that sweet ring. That gives me a line I can use for free to do cooler stuff, like metaphors or a play on words. Here, I played with "spinning tales" and related it back to dancing.
So, Shadow - write more poetry! Play with poetry! If the first thing that comes out of your head when you write is "light" and "dark" and "love" -- take a few moments to go back and say to yourself, okay...how can I make this interesting? How can I make these everyday words into original images?
I hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy
Hi Shadow, here I am!
Specifics[/b
1. The opening wasn't amazing but it has a good rhythm and I like the tone of it. It's very engaging. I can't quite place my finger on what I don't like about it and the trouble is I like it more on a second and third read. I think it's the last line that's jerky. 'Takes many' doesn't seem to flow quite right.
2. A little bit awkward on those last few lines! A few suggested tweaks:
'The thing that I love
Beyond compare,
It has been known to
Bring others despair.'
That makes your third line more actionable which flows better with the others because when all your lines are active except for one quivering, passive line it really breaks the mould.
3. Okay so I'm liking the mystery of this but I think you could give us less obvious paradoxes! These are all the ones that first come into your head: light, dark, hope, despair. Think outside the box! Next you'll be going for fear or pain
Maybe take a closer step and go for something more solid or be abstract. You could talk of cobwebs, which would be symbolising neglect. Or you could go a step further and use an image like a broken spade. You would probably have to adapt the form somewhat, but it would give more substance to your poem.
4. I'm liking stanzas five and six better. It's a very slow progression but the beat is spot on so it doesn't bother me as much. Maybe if you could tighten up those earlier stanzas I'd come to like the simplicity of it. It's certainly worth a try!
5. The second to last stanza is a step too far in the 'write something but don't add a new spin' category. It's very much a repeat of the previous one so I'd say nix it.
6. The last stanza needs better phrasing! You're saying you love words but it's one of the less polished stanzas which is contradicting your statement. Maybe try to be more imperative, to have a stronger, more conclusive tone. The questions really take away from the finality. A single question would work really well but multiple adds too much uncertainty.
I hope you'll forgive me for playing with your words again, I've always been better at showing what I know than explaining it:
This tool that I love
comes in different degrees,
but these words are mine
and they're working for me.
Just by extending the lines a little and choosing a few careful words, you can add a lot more meaning and a stronger feel to the stanza.
[b]Overall
It's good! You have a nice knowledge of rhyme and rhythm and next you need to concentrate on word choice. You don't get many in poetry so choosing them carefully is very important and keeping a thesaurus handy or using the online one is the best tip I can give to any poet. If I haven't looked a word up in a thesaurus, then the poem hasn't been thoroughly edited.
Keep writing and I hope you find this helpful!
Heather xx
Sorry about the bolding! Should have checked that first.
Hi, Shadow! Here as you requested
This didn't feel like a very strong start, because "thing" isn't a very interesting word. However, as the poem goes on, I found myself starting to like the way it almost sounds like a riddle. And I love riddles.
Stanza number 2 needs to be read in a specific way to make the rhythm sound smooth. But luckily that's the way that I "accidentally" read it at first, so you get away with it.
The third stanza is nice and smooth, nothing to pick on there! I like "locked in your heart", cliche or not.
The fourth stanza is where the road gets a bit rocky. First of all, "pain" and "thing" don't rhyme, yes? I was also confused what "change" you talk about and what is the thing that controls it. I can't even defend it by saying you did for the rhyme, because there is no rhyme...
Stanza 5 - I automatically asked "where can it not be contained?" The image seems a little incomplete. "Hard to explain" is a bit meh - after all, you're kind of just explaining it in the poem anyway.
The sixth stanza: Since "thing" is a word that you keep using as the poem's "theme", I'd suggest avoiding it when you're saying other things. Here you have "thing" that is not "the thing that I love", and since we already kind of established it's not the most descriptive word, maybe you'd better steer away from it normally. I also didn't understand "dances in meter"? Is that like, a poetic meter?
Stanza number seven - lovely.
The end - the last line is a bit awkward and doesn't deserve to end this poem in my opinion. All in all, though, the ending is nice because it answers the riddle! And "words", yes - who doesn't love words?
Hope this helped! See you around!
Demeter
x
Okay, going to really nitpick here.
This is a good start, but you use 'many' twice in quick succession. Also "Many hate" isn't a particularly strong line, and I think you could get your message across in a much more powerful way if you changed the wording.
My favorite line!
You sort of already said this with the 'Causes others despair line', but I still like it...
All in all, I like this. It has a very easy rhythm...almost sounds like it should be sung, with a very bouncy tune, haha. I don't know much about poetry, so that's really all I can say, but it's very good.
Keep up the good work!
Really well written, loved the fact that it rhymed and it had great flow.
Keep writing!
I like it! The way that clues are laid out, pushing the reader to the end of the poem to find out what you are describing is great. You do give it away a little bit before the end, so the mystery no longer holds. But nonetheless, the lines after that are still enjoyable.
My favourite bit:
"Suddenly I've roused,
A great book from it's sleep."
Only writers can relate to the feeling that we are mere messengers, and a book has a life of it's own that speaks through us. Well done!
- EtherealEmber
This is cute and makes someone smile after reading. Personally, i like the content and the flow of your poem..
ll
U
Vyper! ^^
First reviewer! YES! xD
Eh-Let's get back. First off, hands down. You're an awesome writer! Second, I love the rhyming that comes in between of every stanza. That's kind of different and a wonderful way to express what you have to say. But there's one thing I have to say. In this poem, the flaws I saw mainly are of two things :- Format and Repetition.
Format:
I guess in textbooks and everywhere else, the stanza's of every poem start with a capital letter. Its not necessary you have to put every letter in capitals for the starting of the line. Only if the line ends with a "full-stop", you'll be needed to start with a capital. Otherwise, its all okay!
Repetition:
The poem started off with "The thing that I love", and it went on for a few more stanza's. To be exact, till the 3rd one. Then, the 4th one had a break. But soon the same thing came back tot he 5th and then, it was totally broken after that. I suggest, that you make everything either fully repeated or, the starting and the ending repeated. That's a more formal way to do it. I wouldn't say its a mistake, but that's how a poem generally goes by.
Other:
Things other than the last mentioned two of them, maybe left me a little... confused and curious? In between, I was lost and it kept me with many questions. Like these two:
I think you lost the flow between these. Its not somewhat connected. I think you should fix that.
Overall: I think you have written it really beautifully but it needs a little more polishing. Of course, there's more time on YWS, you can fix that! There's not many mistakes, so don't worry.
Keep Writing!~ You have a lot of good talent.
--
ChocoCookie