i.
i was among the shining stars
in the infinite universe.
i drifted undetermined,
gazed and gawked at,
i was an asteroid.
craters were built
into my cold rocky surface.
*
ii.
the closest i ever got to a blazing star
i was spinning out of control.
rapidly thrown off of nothing,
but the second we collided
i felt my biggest crater's birth.
i felt myself chip away,
strewn into the opposite direction.
i felt flames licking my rocks.
*
iii.
i was plummeting away
towards the water residing
on your earth.
your gravity pulled me like
nothing i've ever felt before.
*
iv.
dressed in heat,
i sank into your atmosphere,
becoming an incandescent meteor.
i broke through layers and layers of you
and watched the glistening stars
slowly become a million twinkling dots.
*
v.
my attraction to touch
liquids i've never felt, grew.
as i broke into pieces,
guilt formed a new crater within
when i burned through your clouds.
*
vi.
i felt like i was getting rid of your stars;
trying to replace them with myself.
and i feared that that is what
you thought of me.
i am a meteor sailing through your sky
about to make home in your waters
and i only thought
the damage i was doing
to you.
*
vii.
immediately as i hit your water
some sort of relief embraced me.
maybe it was just that i had landed
and now i was with you.
i sank down deeper being
swallowed by a familiar darkness.
*
viii.
you made me into a meteorite,
but i looked like all the other rocks
settled around me.
i feared that i was just led right back to
the beginning,
drifting undetermined.
*
ix.
you were something beautiful
when compared to the
stars i was with.
now i can't see them.
*
x.
your water cleansed me,
rounded me off.
i lost the craters that defined me.
it makes me wish i floated aimlessly
once again, where i could collide
with shimmering stars.
and form new craters as i watched
you from a distance.
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137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
Hello!
This was a beautifully described falling star! Beautiful poem. Fantastic work.
While this had such nice descriptions and emotions, the entire time I was missing something. I wanted MORE! I wanted to be weeping that the asteroid had become a meteorite and could no longer flash between stars. I was just merely a little sad. Pack in the emotion! Have me reaching for some tissue. I wanted more breathtakingly-beautiful descriptions. What did the asteroid see and love most as it flew around?
Otherwise, I think what you have here is excellent, the way you describe all of it.
I didn't really get this asteroid's obsession with having craters. Maybe you could explain why that would be a good thing in its eyes. Also, in the beginning you said the craters were "built." I feel like that is not as good of a word as you could have used. Maybe carved, or something more visual. And who would have build the crater? You don't generally "build" a hole...
I'm also not sure who "you" is. I would assume it's the earth, but you said "on your earth." which I assumed you meant earth as in Earth planet and not earth dirt. If "you" is the Earth, I would change that one line. If it's not the Earth, then I would clear up who you are talking to.
I like the progression of this. The reader can actually see you moving from one frame of time to another.
I really liked this, I just wished for some more emotion!!
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
I love your metaphors in this poem. Romantic chills came over me as I was reading each stanza of this poem. One thing irks me about this though. I don't care about the lowercase stuff when it comes to poetry, but what I don't like is that the single "i"s are lowercased. When "i"s are alone, they always have to be uppercased like this: "I". You don't have to take my word with that because the rest of the poem is perfect. I can sense a man's hands petting my skin as I'm reading it. Honestly, I love romance poems, and this can't be anymore romantic than what you wrote. Keep it.