z

Young Writers Society



smoke from space

by Percybeth


i.

i was among the shining stars 

in the infinite universe.

i drifted undetermined,

gazed and gawked at,

i was an asteroid.

craters were built 

into my cold rocky surface.

*

ii.

the closest i ever got to a blazing star

i was spinning out of control.

rapidly thrown off of nothing,

but the second we collided

i felt my biggest crater's birth.

i felt myself chip away,

strewn into the opposite direction.

i felt flames licking my rocks.

*

iii.

i was plummeting away

towards the water residing 

on your earth.

your gravity pulled me like

nothing i've ever felt before.

*

iv.

dressed in heat,

i sank into your atmosphere,

becoming an incandescent meteor.

i broke through layers and layers of you

and watched the glistening stars 

slowly become a million twinkling dots.

*

v. 

my attraction to touch 

liquids i've never felt, grew.

as i broke into pieces, 

guilt formed a new crater within

when i burned through your clouds.

*

vi.

i felt like i was getting rid of your stars;

trying to replace them with myself.

and i feared that that is what

you thought of me.

i am a meteor sailing through your sky

about to make home in your waters

and i only thought 

the damage i was doing 

to you.

*

vii.

immediately as i hit your water

some sort of relief embraced me.

maybe it was just that i had landed

and now i was with you.

i sank down deeper being

swallowed by a familiar darkness.

*

viii.

you made me into a meteorite,

but i looked like all the other rocks

settled around me.

i feared that i was just led right back to 

the beginning,

drifting undetermined.

*

ix.

you were something beautiful 

when compared to the

stars i was with.

now i can't see them.

*

x.

your water cleansed me,

rounded me off.

i lost the craters that defined me.

it makes me wish i floated aimlessly

once again, where i could collide

with shimmering stars.

and form new craters as i watched

you from a distance.

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621 Reviews

Points: 4984
Reviews: 621

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Sat Jul 12, 2014 2:28 pm
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Rook wrote a review...



Hello!
This was a beautifully described falling star! Beautiful poem. Fantastic work.

While this had such nice descriptions and emotions, the entire time I was missing something. I wanted MORE! I wanted to be weeping that the asteroid had become a meteorite and could no longer flash between stars. I was just merely a little sad. Pack in the emotion! Have me reaching for some tissue. I wanted more breathtakingly-beautiful descriptions. What did the asteroid see and love most as it flew around?
Otherwise, I think what you have here is excellent, the way you describe all of it.

I didn't really get this asteroid's obsession with having craters. Maybe you could explain why that would be a good thing in its eyes. Also, in the beginning you said the craters were "built." I feel like that is not as good of a word as you could have used. Maybe carved, or something more visual. And who would have build the crater? You don't generally "build" a hole...

I'm also not sure who "you" is. I would assume it's the earth, but you said "on your earth." which I assumed you meant earth as in Earth planet and not earth dirt. If "you" is the Earth, I would change that one line. If it's not the Earth, then I would clear up who you are talking to.

I like the progression of this. The reader can actually see you moving from one frame of time to another.

I really liked this, I just wished for some more emotion!!
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis




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122 Reviews

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Reviews: 122

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Fri Jul 11, 2014 4:19 pm
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ccwritingrainbow wrote a review...



I love your metaphors in this poem. Romantic chills came over me as I was reading each stanza of this poem. One thing irks me about this though. I don't care about the lowercase stuff when it comes to poetry, but what I don't like is that the single "i"s are lowercased. When "i"s are alone, they always have to be uppercased like this: "I". You don't have to take my word with that because the rest of the poem is perfect. I can sense a man's hands petting my skin as I'm reading it. Honestly, I love romance poems, and this can't be anymore romantic than what you wrote. Keep it.





I feel like it will be absolute hotdog water, but oh well. It's just a draft.
— Charm