She looks out upon our scarred land.
Her eyes, they sting with hot tears.
The sounds of war and death and fire
Was too much for the girl's delicate ears.
~
Dressed in rags, barefoot, weeping,
She runs back into her broken home.
She calls for her mother, her father, anyone,
But the war got them all, and she was alone.
~
Deep blue eyes close tightly in fear.
"What if they come for me?" she cries.
She opens her eyes to look up high,
But no angel appears to whisk her to the skies.
~
Instead appears God, all alone.
"The only way to live without fear
Is to not hide the fear, the pain,
Instead use your tears to put out the fire, my dear."
~
It's amazing that someone so small,
So sweet, so insignificant and helpless,
Could put out the fires in our hearts
Left by the wars that were so heartless.
~
She walked tall and proud, masking her fear.
Stopping at the foot of the fire,
Bending over, she let her feelings out,
Her sobs drumming out, not seeming to tire.
~
She was so close
To the most painful and sorrowful
Thing there ever was, this fire,
That she began to feel burnt and dull.
~
But dull she was not, no, not ever,
For the bravest thing was she!
Confronting this fire once and for all,
Crying away the flames to save us, you see.
~
"Keep going, little girl, you're almost to saving everything,"
Said the great God of Heaven.
As the last flame was put out by the bitterly sad tears,
The girl was scarred so much she was standing there...
~
...Standing there next to God.
She gave up her life from sea to shining sea,
To save us all - but her legacy lives on,
And her name is Lady Liberty.
~
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi there, Em101cats!
I generally like poems written about news articles or pieces of history. I love that poetry has the power to take an event and let us feel or hear about it in a new way, get a new perspective. Its' why we write poetry! So thanks for taking the story of lady liberty and working on getting a new feel for it.
I think the biggest problem of this poem is that you don't stay consistent with rhythm. You're trying to rhyme and keep rhythm in the lines, but it definitely falls apart around this stanza:
First, you rely on a very odd rhyme. If you think the rhyme depends on just the last syllable of the word, then it's technically rhyming the same thing with itself. If you think it depends on the whole word, then "help" does not rhyme with "heart" so it doesn't rhyme. Either way, it's odd.
Secondly, count your syllables.
First line: 9, Second line: 11, Third line: 8/9, Fourth line: 9. You can see the second line stickin' out like a sore thumb there.
Then we go even further into word STRESS. What makes sonnets and other classic poems so easy to read is that the authors took great care to make sure they stuck to a specific stress pattern. You can check out this article from the Knowledge Base to learn more about iambic pentameter and get you familiar with the idea of stress in the first place.
Let's look at this stanza one more time in terms of STRESS.
It's amazing that someone so small : o oOo o Oo O O
So sweet, so insignificant and helpless : o O, o OoOoo o Oo
Could put out the fires in our hearts : o O O o Oo o o O
Left by the wars that were so heartless. : O o o O o O o Oo.
All over the place, right? Look at this example from Shakespeare's "Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day":
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, : O O o O o Oo O o O.
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date. : o Oo O o O o O o O.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, : oO o O o O o Oo O
And often is his gold complexion dimmed; : o Oo o o O oOo O.
You can see there's a much more uniform switching of stressed and unstressed syllables that is the call-sign of iambic pentameter.
Work on your meter!! You can do it~~
As for the material of the poem, I loved especially the stanza about her standing OVER the fire. There's no other way for her to put out a fire with her tears than for her to stand OVER the fire, a dangerous place where no one else would want to go, and I love that image, that gesture of bravery. More concrete sights of lady liberty would go a long way to making this poem more memorable!
I hope these thoughts and suggestions will be helpful to you.
Lemme know if you have any questions or comments through PM or a reply to this review.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah
I love poems that tell stories with creativity and a background woven into it discreetly. This was one of those poems. I found no grammatical errors at all and by telling the story through poetry it conveys that a deeper message was there. It is a very insightful and interesting look on our Lady Liberty!
Very good work,
Kymorhens
Wow.
This was very good and very poetic.
Nitpicks.
Number 1.
After you say keep going then a comma. That comma kind of puts a pause in the story. So I think it is not good to put that comma there because it kind of does put a pause. I got graded on this millions of times before by Willowpaw1 but I might fix them sometime later.
I didn't really find anything more wrong with this. So I guess I will talk to you later.
Love,
Dogsrule5
Thanks!
No problem. I am going to start writing chapter 6 of lost magic not then maybe another poem. I don't know
I published chapter 6 a while ago so you should read it now. I think you will like it a lot